Laid to Rest.... The Service....

If you listen on a laptop or desktop there is audio with this post....

Yesterday, Thursday 29th August was a powerfully emotional day.  It was the day we were to officially acknowledge Amanda's passing.... The preparation sleep proved evasive, but meditation allowed me to feel rested as the sun rose.  At 8am we collected Amanda from the Funeral Directors in her white poppy print casket and brought her back to her sisters house.  Rose petals and little bunches of exquisite wild flowers, beautifully put together by Amanda's Aunt Linda were strewn over and around my wife's casket.  Candles flickered on the window sill.  The room looked beautiful.  Personal treasures and notes were left inside the casket with Amanda.  My goodbyes

Amanda's Wishes....

Over the next  few days I will post little excerpts of Amanda's musings.....
This one was regarding her wishes were for her send off.....

'If this doesn't all pan out as Mark & I hope, I've asked Mark to 'deal with my arrangements'. I have faith in his emotional strength to carry out these wishes whatever the opinions of others. We all hope our lives will be long, healthy and fruitful, but one day we will all pass on. The time for our spirit to leave our physical body remains a mystery to us all.

During October we attended Tushita. A beautiful meditation centre set amidst the foothills of the Himalayas. We were to partake in their '10 day Introduction to Buddhism course'. 10 days of near silence but for one hour set aside each afternoon to discuss what we had learned. It was a beautiful experience. Mark & I were so privileged to meet many wonderful like minded people deepening their knowledge and understanding of Buddhism philosophy.

On the sixth morning we meditated on death. Many participants wept, no doubt the

A River of Love....

Laughing.... Really Laughing..... xxx

What can I say?  You have all left me dumbfounded, bathed by love, compassion and empathy.... Beautiful heartfelt messages for Amanda, myself, Robyn and the family that miss her so much.  Moving poems, memory filled photographs, sweet tributes... Facebook juddered in to life the evening after Amanda's passing.  I typed and wept responding to beautiful tributes and voices of friends.
Early that evening a strange thing happened - No doubt I'll begin to make more and more tedious links as the days and weeks go by - But whilst sat looking out from the back of my parenets house a heron, slim and elegant with her exquisitely long neck perched a top the wooden arched treliss outside the window.  She stood looking in the living room window and the window above where Amanda and I slept during last summer.  This magnificent looking creature, towering near

Peace...

Yesterday evening saw Amanda's breathing take on a sound not unlike someone blowing and sucking down a straw placed amongst melting ice cubes in the bottom of glass, but only louder... far louder.  It was so difficult to listen to.  It sounded so uncomfortable, but she wasn't struggling with it.... Though I knew she was slipping further away from us.  Everyone felt it.
Amanda's Mum Colleen ensured that tonight it would just be my beautiful wife and I alone together.  Uninterrupted.  She know.  I built my bed to the height of Amanda's with pillows to lie as close to her as I could.  I chatted for hours about what we'd achieved over the years.  About how she had changed me for the better.  Brought calm to my life.  I told her how beautifully she had blossomed over the years, just when I thought her mind could become no purer and loving once again she would soar.  Her beauty seemed to increase year on year.  We shared earphones and listened to

We all love her.....

Three weeks ago today Amanda went in to hospital for some routine treatment, since then everything changed.  To say the past 3 weeks have been difficult for my beautiful wife would be an understatement.... 5 days after the hospital visit (after her pain had settled to what she considered a manageable level again) there was the replacement of oral medication with a syringe driver to deliver her payload of painkillers, sedatives and anti-sickness medication, as the oral drugs were sometimes coming back up.  I made Amanda a promise.  A promise that I would never give up.  So at her request I continued with a couple of fresh carrot juices each day, green teas and two almond milk and goats yoghurt vitamin and mineral packed drinks.  Initially Amanda sucked them down with a straw with great gusto.  This last week though has seen her strength diminish.  For a few days she drank from a pipette... Carrot juices still included to begin with.  Then for the next couple of days just water... She said she would tell me when she was ready.  We shared everything.  Others may think

I keep trying....

I don't really understand what's happened since the hospital visit. Amanda went in for an Herceptin infusion which didn't happen and was drained of 3 litres of abdominal fluid instead. But ever since the infusion of Zolodronic Acid a few hours later, to help bring down her Calcium levels she's been totally out of it, unable to to move. 12 days in bed is a long time. At times I get frustrated with myself. Was it the wrong decision for her to have the Z.A? Am I not doing enough? Is there more I could be doing.... There's always more we can do, but sometimes we're limited by circumstances. Amanda is in no condition to travel to Germany for instance, where they have fantastic cancer clinics. At the moment getting 10 organic juices in to her would also be an impossibility as she is only

Side Affects.....

Sometimes I think the medical profession simply try to sweep how severe the side effects of certain medications can be 'under the carpet', or at least totally underplay their effects.

I brought Amanda home from Noble's Hospital on Thursday morning at 11am. Since then she has been in bed, unable to move. Thursday, Friday and Saturday were spent in agony, with exacerbated pain brought on by the zolodronic acid infusion. This infusion also caused confusion, fever and nausea. She is still in bed today. Then there's the heavy pay load of pain killers, they cause oral thrush and constipation.... two things that no one wants when there is already a large all encompassing physical pain presence. It's simply miserable.

Amanda was so sore and pained on Thursday night she sobbed to me asking for

Herceptin Day....

Here we are driving to Noble's hospital. The sun is blazing through the windscreen of my little black 1999 Renault Clio and the morning temperature was already pushing 17 warm degrees. Having spoken to a couple of alternative/complementary cancer practitioners during the week Amanda finally decided to give Herceptin a crack. There comes a point where things feel so rough everything bar chemotherapy is worth a go. If you read this blog regularly you'll no doubt have already read about Herceptin in the previous posts, so I pray Amanda falls in to the small percentage of women that Herceptin helps. I pray even more she suffers no side effects. She has enough on her plate as it is..... Recently having enough on her plate has also been a problem. She has been