Life.

It's been 25 days since Amanda passed away.... Much has happened over these few days.

There has been much grieving and confusion from everyone who loved, adored, respected and treasured this beautiful woman. Hopefully love, respect and forgiveness will eventually abound from the negativity that sometimes arises from the doubt, guilt and fear instilled within us all.

I received two beautifully kind hand written letters stating how much the blog had restored their faith in human love and kindness. The chaps who penned these letter agreed that Amanda did indeed leave a beautiful impression on everyone who was lucky enough to meet her. One of these letters contained a wonderfully generous donation of £200 to Amanda's charity, the Indian Pre-School in Gokarna. I won't name the chap, but I would like to him once again for such a grand show of generosity.

There have been many sleepless nights over these past few weeks, and many tears shed by all Amanda's daughter, husband, friends, relatives. Here on the blog I can only speak of my own personal experience. My empathy and compassion lies with
everyone who is also suffering, but beginning to remember where their focus should be placed as far as Amanda's life was concerned..... The good times, the smiles the laughter and of course the tears.

Since Amanda and I returned from India I had been suffering a pretty brutal tooth ache.... I kept postponing getting it looked at, it didn't seem worthy of my attention.... Amanda was the most important thing in my life. I had no desire for a root canal (nor did Amanda want me to have one) after all we'd read about undetected infections within root canals having massive implications in later life, having caused a huge drain on the immune system.

A couple of weeks after Amanda passed over I had a previously arranged appointment to have the tooth sorted once and for all. Five weeks ago the dentist performed an emergency procedure to remove the root, as the pain had become unbearable. I was told I would have to wait for another dentist to either finish the root canal procedure of pull the tooth. My front right molar would be sorely missed!

The time arrived. I entered the dentist feeling deflated and downhearted about life in general. I lay back in the chair and explained that I'd rather the tooth was removed than have a root canal procedure. The dentist explained that my teeth were in such good shape, that my oral hygiene was apparently of a high standard and it would be such a pity to pull the tooth. I didn't have it in me to discuss the matter any further.... Which is rare. The dental assistant, a lovely young lady from Port Erin, asked if I'd received the sympathy card she'd had sent from the practice. I nodded, 'hank-oo' I said with my mouth stretched to it's maximum capacity. I lay there thinking about Amanda. Half an hour in a tear trickled from my eye down across my face in to my hair, then another. The dentist, stopped, 'Oh I'm sorry, am I hurting you?' She said compassionately. I gently shook my head. The dental assistant looked at me and smiled sympathetically and dabbed my tears away with a tissue. She knew.

I thought to myself how unhappy Amanda would have been about this root canal, I should have stuck by my guns. Considering all that was going on, I felt quite relaxed, almost unaware of the constant scraping, drilling and pulling. Three x-rays (which I was uncomfortable with) later I was being informed that the roots of my molar were so long and narrow that performing a good root canal would be difficult. Filling the entire root would be problematic, infection and complications later down the line would be likely. 'Ax ot I onted ing ga hirst klace' I exclaimed amidst my aching jaws. Knowing that I wanted the tooth extracted anyway, they got to work. Amanda would have been very happy with the sudden revaluation, the change of heart. I asked Amanda to guide the hand which currently held the long, sharp, steel dental tool currently being leant against my tooth with all the dentists might. I kept thinking, 'One slip and I'm a goner..... Reeeee-lax' The tooth, now overly brittle due to having been hollowed out for the root canal attempt, broke in two. The dentist and her assistant complimented me on my bone density, stating such strong bone is a sign of good health. The downside to that was the long roots were refusing to leave the dense bone of the jaw. She rocked and rocked and rocked.... My jaw ached..... The vacuum sucked.... 'We need to take another x-ray.'

'Goo yo haf koo?' I asked.

She confirmed they did need to take another x-ray, in fact they took two, unsatisfied with the first (or fourth).... Five x-rays in such a little area! It's not good for the health. 70 minutes later, with the help of a second dentist both halves of my deep set molar were extracted. A gaping hole, wide and deep enough to home a medium sized blackberry (the fruit not the mobile device) exists in place of my molar.

That evening I decided to pack my my bags in search of solitude. Emotions were running high, and I was feeling low. I packed a rucksack with camping gear, oats and nuts for breakfast, soup for dinner and lunch the next day and water, fishing gear and photographic equipment. I drove to The Dogmills north of Ramsey on the North East coast of the island. I parked up, grabbed my gear, and dropped my container holding my whole organic oats. Of course the lid came off. I spent the next 5 minutes gathering as much grain as I could, returning it to the container with as few stones as possible - The last thing I needed was any further dental damage. I walked 3 miles carrying almost 15kg of gear over the soft shingle beach, my feet sinking and sliding with each step. I was exhausted. I threw up my tent and pinned it down with large beach stones. It was 6pm. I rolled out my sleeping mat and sleeping bag. I set about gathering drift wood for my camp-fire. Amanda & I loved sitting by a big crackling fire when we camped. I gathered dried seaweed, grass and twigs for kindling along with a bundle of various shaped chunks of air dried driftwood which had been tossed to the bottom of the huge sand dunes during seasonal storms.

A peregrine falcon soared along the top, making it's presence known to all; flapping and screeching. By dusk my fire was crackling and popping beautifully. I wished Amanda was with me. I shouted her name at the top of my voice. There was no one for miles. I screamed it again, and again. It felt good to shout her name. Maybe she could hear me. Maybe she could see me. If she could see me, she'd think I had gone mad. I know it's crazy, but I thought she may visit me if I found a place where no one else would be. A spiritual rendezvous.... 

My soup bubbled. I lifted the tiny saucepan by it's hot handle. I enjoyed the soup whilst I lost myself in the embers of the fire.... Embers! More wood quick! The next piece of wood popped and crackled angrily, spitting burning chunks at every angle. Orange glowing pieces of wood landed on my socks and trousers. A few landed a little too close to the tent for my liking. I guarded my shelter until the wood excited by such an intense application of heat had settled down. The wind increased.

I meditated for an hour. Then sat and reminisced of fun times with my wife. Then cried a bit. Then smiled again. I took a couple of self timer shots for a potential fishing article. It was 11pm, the tide was now high enough to fish for bass. I grabbed my rod and walked to the crashing water. The sound of the tumbling and crashing pebbles filled the night air. The wind made for awkward fishing. I persevered for 10 minutes, then skulked back to my tent 20 yards back up the beach. 

I place more large stones around the perimeter. The wind blowing stiff from the south west, it was set to turn north west during the night. I clambered in to my sleeping bag, pulling Amanda's grey and pink silk scarf over my face. I could smell her.... I could see her smile.

I snuggled in tight the door of my tent tied back open to the elements....

Soon the elements became an issue. Had I left the front open any longer I think I may have suffered a 'Dorothy' moment, and woke up at The Point of Ayre... Sleep was nigh on impossible. I zipped the front of the tent shut, the right side of the tent collapsed under the pressure of the gusting wind. The noise was tremendous. Exhilarating. I must have fallen asleep around 4am waking shortly after at 6am. Everything was still. The sea was flat, the black and white oyster catchers 'peeped'. Curls of kelp pierced the surface like distant sea serpents. I grabbed my fishing rod and headed towards the waters edge. It was low water, it felt like a long walk from the tent to the sea. I returned to my temporary home an hour later empty handed (which I intended to do anyway. I always return the bass I catch.).

My good friend Garry had arranged to meet me that morning. He arrived whilst I was just finishing my morning yoga and meditation practise. From his shoulder hung a green canvas bag containing a flask of hot tea, organic cucumbers, tomatoes and grapes, all home grown! What a lovely man. We sat and chatted for a couple of hours. It was lovely. Then we got down to some serious fishing....

We worked our lures hard, covering a lot of water. We watched huge sea trout leaping clear of the water, teasing us constantly with their acrobatics. Fishing is not always about succeeding in capturing a fish, it is about being in nature. What we lost in failing to catch fish, we gained in nature. We watched two resident peregrine falcons and were privileged to see a migrating osprey, a real treat!

A few days later I planned a day for Robyn and I. My Mum made us a both a fantastic lunch (actually a three course delight!) and then we headed out for a nice walk. We drove to Port St Mary, and walked towards the Chasms; huge deep splits in the rocky headland near the Sugar Loaf Rock between Port St Mary and The Sound. We took photographs of one another looking over the edge or standing at the edge..... Had I fallen, many would have claimed it was suicide! 

As we walked we gathered and ate fat, plump blackberries, along with whatever insects had taken up residence within their delightful juiciness! That evening we dined in style at The Boat Yard in Peel. A perfect day. We did lunch on the Wednesday and went through lots of photographs. Choosing which to keep and which new ones to get printed to put together up to date photo albums for us both to cherish. Another lovely afternoon spent with Rob. Of course we both had teary moments. But that's the nature of remembering someone we love, someone we cherish, someone we miss so much that it evokes tears. Tears are a symptom. Tears will become smiles.

Robyn spent much time alone. Watching TV, distracting herself, but also experiencing her emotions. She spent much time with her best friend Hannah. Hannah has a good heart and soul. She is a beautiful person and is a great influence on Robyn. She offers her great love and support. Thank you Hannah. Robyn headed back to university the next day. I miss her. She has turned in to a beautiful and compassionate young lady. Yes, she is still hell bent on partying, but at 21 I was just warming up. Whilst there is no doubt she is having a great time, she is also working very hard, having achieved a 2:1 in her first year of studies. Well done Rob! We are all so proud of you. Be with your emotions, then allow their strength to guide you (Your Mum will always be your guide). It will be good for Robyn to be surrounded by her university friends. Her friends are outside the 'grieving circle', they will bring only compassion, happiness and joy. They will take care of her. She will take care of them.

I have had a large print made of 'Amanda on the Beas'. It arrived the day after Amanda's send off. It is beautiful. She is beautiful. Perfect amidst the majesty of nature. If anyone wants any prints made of any photographs let me know as I intend ordering more large prints from the company I use in Germany. Such beautiful images should only be printed on high quality paper with high quality ink.... I would have Amanda's image printed on nothing less. Their standard of quality compliments her beauty inside and out.

Many of Amanda's friends continue to text me and message me. Thank you.

Thank you Lynne for not taking no for an answer, though sometimes I do mean it. Thank you for respecting my need for solitude when I feel the need for it.

Thank you to Zoe driving out on a Sunday night just to bring the Brian Weiss publications to me. I love them. If anyone wants to read touching and beautiful tales of re-incarnation and past life regression experiences then the Brian Weiss books are amazing.  All taken from his own records as a psychotherapist.  His books have instilled hope in to me. They have reduced my fear of death. No one can tell us for certain what death holds; no one knows, but we can all choose what we would like to believe. I have altered my beliefs over the past couple of years.... and I feel less fearful for it.

Love to you all.

Mark...... with Amanda in my heart.....

xxx