Thank you all for all your supportive words and messages over the past few days. They are heartfelt and beautiful.
Thank you all for your donations to Amanda's worthy cause, the Shankar Prasad pre-school in Gokarna India. We've currently raised over £600. Amazing. Amanda would be very proud of you all, and be moved by such a great show of generosity.
Today Amanda and I would have been married for six years (although we first got together for a few months of affection and love 17 years ago, then decided to travel our own paths before getting back together on numerous occasions, up until 9 years ago,when we both decided we were ready to fully commit to one another... This plus the fact I was then willing to move away from the Isle of Man!).... I hoped for at least 45 years of married bliss before one of us popped our clogs, but what can you do?
The last few weeks of Amanda's life haunt me, the final days, weeks, hours and that final minute torture me.... I am sure I could have done more. It matters not what anyone else tells me or writes in heartfelt messages. As long as I believe I could have done more, that's how it is. This is what eats me at quiet times. Why when I loved her so much did I not do more to make something happen? My mind is frustrating me. Upsetting me. Graphic images, sounds and unanswered questions race around in my head.... Then, I focus and once again regain control bringing my attention to the love we had... The love I still hold for Amanda.... Then the cycle begins again.
I ordered a large print of Amanda sat on the Beas river in Manali, India. It arrived the day after Amanda's send off. I opened it and wept at her beauty amidst the raw energy of nature that surrounded her. Why was she not by my side any longer? Where was she? Many words of wisdom and kindness are gestured my way. A smorgasbord of cliches. As my friend correctly pointed out, cliches become cliches because they are considered to be intelligent observations, words of wisdom that are used over and over again to offer comfort to those in need.... I keep all the messages to read over again... because at some point I will no doubt feel comforted by the fact that so many care about my state of mind and precarious current fragile emotional wellbeing, but at times I just see words.... I don't really feel anything. Please don't let this put you off sending me messages of kindness, they are lovely.... It's just at the moment my emotions are unrecognisable. My thoughts are beffudled.
Over recent days whilst surrounded by friends having fun, or whilst experiencing exhilaration through mountain biking alongside vertical drops above the sea I felt brief sparks of joy, but these sparks quickly succumb to 'I wish Amanda was here with me, she would have added another dimension of fun and love to the day, to the event... to whatever was going on.' Then I think how much she would have enjoyed what we were doing, how much I'd have enjoyed having her beside me, her love circling around me like a warm coat... little glimpses at one another, playful eye contact and cheeky smiles.... Then I realise that is never going to happen again.... then as if my body has become an absorbent vessel capable of converting all emotion to sadness and the ground I stand on has become a pool of sorrow... I fill, I expand to full capacity.... the overflow spilling out as tears from my eyes..... I weep.....
I guess this is how it's going to be for a while.
Thank you all for your donations to Amanda's worthy cause, the Shankar Prasad pre-school in Gokarna India. We've currently raised over £600. Amazing. Amanda would be very proud of you all, and be moved by such a great show of generosity.
Today Amanda and I would have been married for six years (although we first got together for a few months of affection and love 17 years ago, then decided to travel our own paths before getting back together on numerous occasions, up until 9 years ago,when we both decided we were ready to fully commit to one another... This plus the fact I was then willing to move away from the Isle of Man!).... I hoped for at least 45 years of married bliss before one of us popped our clogs, but what can you do?
The last few weeks of Amanda's life haunt me, the final days, weeks, hours and that final minute torture me.... I am sure I could have done more. It matters not what anyone else tells me or writes in heartfelt messages. As long as I believe I could have done more, that's how it is. This is what eats me at quiet times. Why when I loved her so much did I not do more to make something happen? My mind is frustrating me. Upsetting me. Graphic images, sounds and unanswered questions race around in my head.... Then, I focus and once again regain control bringing my attention to the love we had... The love I still hold for Amanda.... Then the cycle begins again.
I ordered a large print of Amanda sat on the Beas river in Manali, India. It arrived the day after Amanda's send off. I opened it and wept at her beauty amidst the raw energy of nature that surrounded her. Why was she not by my side any longer? Where was she? Many words of wisdom and kindness are gestured my way. A smorgasbord of cliches. As my friend correctly pointed out, cliches become cliches because they are considered to be intelligent observations, words of wisdom that are used over and over again to offer comfort to those in need.... I keep all the messages to read over again... because at some point I will no doubt feel comforted by the fact that so many care about my state of mind and precarious current fragile emotional wellbeing, but at times I just see words.... I don't really feel anything. Please don't let this put you off sending me messages of kindness, they are lovely.... It's just at the moment my emotions are unrecognisable. My thoughts are beffudled.
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| My wife looking thoughtful amidst the peace of nature..... Stunning.... Simply Stunning.... |
Over recent days whilst surrounded by friends having fun, or whilst experiencing exhilaration through mountain biking alongside vertical drops above the sea I felt brief sparks of joy, but these sparks quickly succumb to 'I wish Amanda was here with me, she would have added another dimension of fun and love to the day, to the event... to whatever was going on.' Then I think how much she would have enjoyed what we were doing, how much I'd have enjoyed having her beside me, her love circling around me like a warm coat... little glimpses at one another, playful eye contact and cheeky smiles.... Then I realise that is never going to happen again.... then as if my body has become an absorbent vessel capable of converting all emotion to sadness and the ground I stand on has become a pool of sorrow... I fill, I expand to full capacity.... the overflow spilling out as tears from my eyes..... I weep.....
I guess this is how it's going to be for a while.
Mark, my heart goes out to you, I lost someone very dear to me this year. It is still such a shock when they pass from this life to the next. We went to Derwentwater in the Lakes to scatter his ashes as this was the most beautiful place (and his favourite)in the world, As we stood on the montain and released him, he literally danced away across the lake leaving little wispy white trails. I remember you coming into the salon while Amanda was doing my hair, to drop her lunch off, the love between you was undeniable, she had a sweet little look in her eye. On Thursday while I was on my lunchbreak I was thinking about Amanda, and a little white feather floated by, it brought a tear to my eye, but was also beautiful, Thinkin of you both
ReplyDeleteLove and Peace
janni
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Thanks Janni x
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