Nothings changed.... yet everything has changed....
I'm sure we all feel the same. There are shallow smiles and laughter. They are short lived but hugely important amidst the deep anguish, loss and sadness I feel. Sometimes I can sleep. Sometimes I can't. Obviously things can never be the same, in part that's the beauty of life. If you dip your foot in the river then take it out, then a few seconds later dip it in again, are you dipping your foot in to the same river? No. You can never dip your foot in the exact same river again. The river is constantly changing, running past us all. What we can't see around the bend upstream will eventually come to us. The water you dipped your foot in a few seconds ago has since moved downstream without you; this is new water. I suppose I have to get used to this constantly changing river of life. Be willing to accept the turbulence, the deep dark eddies, the waterfalls, the wild rapids that occur in everyone's river at some point. If everything happens for a reason, as I keep reading... Destiny the tapestry of life etc etc then Amanda is not here with me, with us all, for a reason.... At the present time I can't see what that reason is. Did her life need to be shortened? Had she achieved everything she needed to? Did I, Robyn her family and friends need to experience deep sorrow so soon at the loss of this wonderful lady? Nothing else could have made me feel this way. Friends and family are wonderful. I am so grateful for all the love. But nothing comes close to what I felt when we were together...
I find myself trying to get on with something, then before I know it I'm back sorting out more photographs for our life album.... or ordering more prints, or searching for little movie clips. I had a two clips of Amanda in Auroville, India on a little pink memory card.... I can't find it anywhere. I've turned the house and car upside down. I'm gutted. I wanted them forever. Attachment to things eh. Pointless and upsetting.
I've listened to music this week. Songs that meant something to us.... Beautiful lyrics or happy tunes, they all evoke such deep emotion.
Last weekend a good friend held a dinner party for a group of us. 7 courses for 6 people. It was fantastic. The food was a delight and the company was wonderful. A small glass of wine to match each dish ensured lively discussion and conversation. Yes once or twice I broke, and went to 'the naughty step' on the stairs for a sob, but that was fine. My friend then suggested we go to town. I wasn't sure. Kevin assured me if I was unhappy we could come straight back. Very nice of him. Well it was strange being surrounded by lots of merry revellers seeking love or sex within their alcohol. Stranger still a girl with a pretty smile danced with me for a brief spell. I told her the situation.... I think she could tell there was something amiss by my lost rather forlorn expression, she also spotted Amanda's engagement and wedding rings which I wear on my little finger. She was very kind and understanding and very smiley which was nice. She didn't just leg it either, which she could have done!
There were tears in town again due to the complex myriad emotions I was feeling with so many strangers around, so much noise and calamity. These tears were pretty well stashed though. It was a pleasant (bearable) re-introduction to the normality of human existence here on the Isle of Man. Thanks to Charlie for all his effort with the food and the boys for a lovely evening, and thanks to Kev for 'taking care of me' in town.
Last week I was fishing on a tiny river gorge near Santon. I'd forced my way upstream in my heavy neoprene waders to cast towards a big deep waterfall pool. My spinner (a little lure with hooks that imitates a small fish) became snagged just alongside the waterfall upstream.
The sound of the water was all encompassing. It roared like a great white noise. You can hear voices in a waterfall, it's very strange. At the same time this deafening sound was peaceful and tranquil in the dappled light coming through the trees. I was stood waist deep in the powerful stream pulling and tugging the line, unable to go any further due to the depth and power of the water. I'd cast so far upstream I couldn't quite see where I was snagged. I held the rod straight and stepped backwards in an attempt to snap the line and start again. Every now and again we lose spinners due to tree branches, fences and big rocks. Suddenly the line loosened. Whatever had been holding on had given up. I wound the line and spinner in, to find a
beautiful, fresh piece of ivy attached to my spinner. It was the same size as Amanda's tattoo that ran down her left hip. I've never snagged on ivy before, my hooks have definitely not returned with ivy on them before.... I know it's just a silly tedious link to the ongoing connection with my love, but I hoped she was with me. Watching over me maybe.
Obviously this whole watching over me thing could prove awkward down the line. I'm hoping she will give me a little privacy where necessary! A wood pigeon clattered in to my window too. What's the link there I hear you ask? None. I wasn't looking for a link in that one, though it did remind me of the time where Amanda literally saw straight through a big heavy glass door (the sun was shining brightly through it) and ploughed straight in to it whilst we were in Engelberg, Switzerland. She returned to me with a big bump on her head, a split lip and swollen knee and we hadn't even been out with the snowboards yet. We'd just arrived in the village searching for accommodation.... A little TLC and she was fine in no time!
If everyone we experience (I'm not talking the types of experiencing I did when I was a young rampant thing) is there for a reason, either to help, guide or teach us something we must learn to be open to everything. Even the experiences we consider negative. When someone puts us down there are those that life us up. When we're getting cocky, there is someone to draw our attention to it and bring us down to earth etc etc. Basically there are no negatives and positives, there are just experiences on our way through life. It's only our emotions that judge these experiences as positive and negative, and emotions generally have a mind of their own and are generally a little unruly and out of control. What's positive for one can be negative for another. I'm constantly trying to process things in my own mind. I'm sure you'll all agree when we lose a loved one it seems there's no rhyme nor reason..... but if I continue to think like that I will just become bitter, twisted, lost and sad.... I could be on this planet for another 50 years or more... There's no point me being miserable for the entire time. For that to happen I have to think differently. We all have to. We have to think how Amanda had learned to think. She was more worried about the people she was leaving behind, and how they would feel, than what came next for her.... She knew something great was waiting for her on the other side of the anxiety, pain and discomfort she was suffering..... I just wish I knew.
I have no fear of death any longer. And I really did fear death. I always felt that there was so much to experience and not enough time to fit it all in. I loved life. I was so happy. Now I don't fear death.... I still feel the same about all that there is to experience, but I'm not so happy. I need to focus on how lucky I have been to have shared so much time with Amanda. How lucky I was at age 20 to see her that day at the petrol pumps (the amount of things that had to happen so that simple meeting could come about, the chain of events that has to happen in all the lives involved is phenomenal in itself). How lucky I was to meet her in Port Erin a couple of weeks later. How lucky I was that she liked me. How lucky I was that she fell in love with me. How lucky I was that our love survived over months and years apart where our separate lives changed dramatically. How lucky I was to share in the life of such a divine, compassionate, spiritual, loving (I'm sticking to all Amanda's positive traits here!) and gentle soul. Meeting her allowed me to love someone so much I didn't believe it possible. It allowed me to feel total devotion. Some say soul mates. Who knows? What I do know is that we merged, morphed and developed over the 17 years plus that we knew one another. We grew as a couple.... our understanding of one another, and of those around us grew. This was down to Amanda. She taught me so much. Not just in what she said, but in how she acted with others.
I woke up the other morning and decided I would read the blog from the beginning. I'm only half way through. Very emotional. There's so much to be added to this story of love, devotion and strength.... So much that shaped this wonderful soul we knew as Amanda, or AJ as many of you knew her.
She has shaped me for the better. I respect my mind and body so much more than before. I aim to continue my personal development and to make other's lives better through the compassion, empathy and love I have learned to give. I will at some point see the world again as I used to.... only better. Not because my wonderful wife is no longer her with me, but because my wonderful wife will always be with me where ever I am. I love you Amanda.
x
I'm sure we all feel the same. There are shallow smiles and laughter. They are short lived but hugely important amidst the deep anguish, loss and sadness I feel. Sometimes I can sleep. Sometimes I can't. Obviously things can never be the same, in part that's the beauty of life. If you dip your foot in the river then take it out, then a few seconds later dip it in again, are you dipping your foot in to the same river? No. You can never dip your foot in the exact same river again. The river is constantly changing, running past us all. What we can't see around the bend upstream will eventually come to us. The water you dipped your foot in a few seconds ago has since moved downstream without you; this is new water. I suppose I have to get used to this constantly changing river of life. Be willing to accept the turbulence, the deep dark eddies, the waterfalls, the wild rapids that occur in everyone's river at some point. If everything happens for a reason, as I keep reading... Destiny the tapestry of life etc etc then Amanda is not here with me, with us all, for a reason.... At the present time I can't see what that reason is. Did her life need to be shortened? Had she achieved everything she needed to? Did I, Robyn her family and friends need to experience deep sorrow so soon at the loss of this wonderful lady? Nothing else could have made me feel this way. Friends and family are wonderful. I am so grateful for all the love. But nothing comes close to what I felt when we were together...
I find myself trying to get on with something, then before I know it I'm back sorting out more photographs for our life album.... or ordering more prints, or searching for little movie clips. I had a two clips of Amanda in Auroville, India on a little pink memory card.... I can't find it anywhere. I've turned the house and car upside down. I'm gutted. I wanted them forever. Attachment to things eh. Pointless and upsetting.
I've listened to music this week. Songs that meant something to us.... Beautiful lyrics or happy tunes, they all evoke such deep emotion.
Last weekend a good friend held a dinner party for a group of us. 7 courses for 6 people. It was fantastic. The food was a delight and the company was wonderful. A small glass of wine to match each dish ensured lively discussion and conversation. Yes once or twice I broke, and went to 'the naughty step' on the stairs for a sob, but that was fine. My friend then suggested we go to town. I wasn't sure. Kevin assured me if I was unhappy we could come straight back. Very nice of him. Well it was strange being surrounded by lots of merry revellers seeking love or sex within their alcohol. Stranger still a girl with a pretty smile danced with me for a brief spell. I told her the situation.... I think she could tell there was something amiss by my lost rather forlorn expression, she also spotted Amanda's engagement and wedding rings which I wear on my little finger. She was very kind and understanding and very smiley which was nice. She didn't just leg it either, which she could have done!
There were tears in town again due to the complex myriad emotions I was feeling with so many strangers around, so much noise and calamity. These tears were pretty well stashed though. It was a pleasant (bearable) re-introduction to the normality of human existence here on the Isle of Man. Thanks to Charlie for all his effort with the food and the boys for a lovely evening, and thanks to Kev for 'taking care of me' in town.
Last week I was fishing on a tiny river gorge near Santon. I'd forced my way upstream in my heavy neoprene waders to cast towards a big deep waterfall pool. My spinner (a little lure with hooks that imitates a small fish) became snagged just alongside the waterfall upstream.
.JPG) |
| Very beautiful lady fishing on the River Beas in Northern India |
beautiful, fresh piece of ivy attached to my spinner. It was the same size as Amanda's tattoo that ran down her left hip. I've never snagged on ivy before, my hooks have definitely not returned with ivy on them before.... I know it's just a silly tedious link to the ongoing connection with my love, but I hoped she was with me. Watching over me maybe.
 |
| Amanda's Ivy |
If everyone we experience (I'm not talking the types of experiencing I did when I was a young rampant thing) is there for a reason, either to help, guide or teach us something we must learn to be open to everything. Even the experiences we consider negative. When someone puts us down there are those that life us up. When we're getting cocky, there is someone to draw our attention to it and bring us down to earth etc etc. Basically there are no negatives and positives, there are just experiences on our way through life. It's only our emotions that judge these experiences as positive and negative, and emotions generally have a mind of their own and are generally a little unruly and out of control. What's positive for one can be negative for another. I'm constantly trying to process things in my own mind. I'm sure you'll all agree when we lose a loved one it seems there's no rhyme nor reason..... but if I continue to think like that I will just become bitter, twisted, lost and sad.... I could be on this planet for another 50 years or more... There's no point me being miserable for the entire time. For that to happen I have to think differently. We all have to. We have to think how Amanda had learned to think. She was more worried about the people she was leaving behind, and how they would feel, than what came next for her.... She knew something great was waiting for her on the other side of the anxiety, pain and discomfort she was suffering..... I just wish I knew.
I have no fear of death any longer. And I really did fear death. I always felt that there was so much to experience and not enough time to fit it all in. I loved life. I was so happy. Now I don't fear death.... I still feel the same about all that there is to experience, but I'm not so happy. I need to focus on how lucky I have been to have shared so much time with Amanda. How lucky I was at age 20 to see her that day at the petrol pumps (the amount of things that had to happen so that simple meeting could come about, the chain of events that has to happen in all the lives involved is phenomenal in itself). How lucky I was to meet her in Port Erin a couple of weeks later. How lucky I was that she liked me. How lucky I was that she fell in love with me. How lucky I was that our love survived over months and years apart where our separate lives changed dramatically. How lucky I was to share in the life of such a divine, compassionate, spiritual, loving (I'm sticking to all Amanda's positive traits here!) and gentle soul. Meeting her allowed me to love someone so much I didn't believe it possible. It allowed me to feel total devotion. Some say soul mates. Who knows? What I do know is that we merged, morphed and developed over the 17 years plus that we knew one another. We grew as a couple.... our understanding of one another, and of those around us grew. This was down to Amanda. She taught me so much. Not just in what she said, but in how she acted with others.
I woke up the other morning and decided I would read the blog from the beginning. I'm only half way through. Very emotional. There's so much to be added to this story of love, devotion and strength.... So much that shaped this wonderful soul we knew as Amanda, or AJ as many of you knew her.
She has shaped me for the better. I respect my mind and body so much more than before. I aim to continue my personal development and to make other's lives better through the compassion, empathy and love I have learned to give. I will at some point see the world again as I used to.... only better. Not because my wonderful wife is no longer her with me, but because my wonderful wife will always be with me where ever I am. I love you Amanda.
x
Just picturing AJ in all the descriptions you have written down in your lovely script Mark and shed a tear or two but also raised a little smile knowing she made such a difference in everyone's life and I too am lucky to have known her all these years.
ReplyDeleteSandra xx
.... aren't we just. Thank you Sandra x
DeleteYour words are so lovely Mark you really create a picture, I can visualise Amanda and how she looked and acted while reading this and it's a gift that not many people have. I would love to go and visit all these places on the island now that you describe they all sound so idyllic and I don't think I've visited any of them. Maybe when we're over and you've got a free afternoon we could tag along and you could show Daniel how to fish. While I was reading this I was remembering all those feelings that I felt when my mum died. Sounds funny but I watched Wimbledon this year without bursting into tears, and I'm enjoying strictly come dancing without beating myself up, and loving all the glitz and sequins. These two things were things she watched and we would talk for ages and I have wonderful memories of enjoying these things with her. Not sure why I'm telling you this but I think I'm trying to say a new normal comes eventually and doesn't replace the old normal but it's not so bad.
ReplyDeleteHellen Daniel and Edward. xxx
Thank you Hellen, and I'd love to take the boys out exploring and fishing. I'm pleased your sadness and guilt of enjoying life in the absence of your Mum is subsiding and being replaced by joy again. We live too long (sometimes) to be sad..... x
Delete