Last weekend I ventured over to Banbury with my lovely step daughter Robyn. Amanda left us for one another. This trip gave us time together. Time to talk, time to air all our feelings regarding the loss of Rob's wonderful Mum and my delightful wife... It was time well spent. Emotions can become extremely confused when we lose someone. What fires out of our mouths can seem like anger, but if the pressure isn't permitted to build within and more gentle emotions are given the right of passage anger rarely rears it's ugly head. It's allowing ourselves to be with our gentle emotions that really helps us heal. That's why I cry so much.... If I stuffed it down I'm sure everyone would be walking on egg shells around me. I'd no doubt be like a mini Mount Vesuvius ready to erupt at the slightest emotional tremor...
The ferry ride from the IOM to Liverpool was filled with tears during the first 15 minutes. I'd only travelled via ferry.... or plance with Amanda over the past 8 years. Walking through Liverpool, along the Albert Dock brought back memories of us heading off on our travels.... and returning from our travels (Thailand, May 2012). More tears. Then meeting Rob at Lime Street Train Station in Liverpool, even more tears.... I'm surprised I didn't dehydrate on the way to Banbury. Banbury itself was a real eye opener for me. Or should I say eye waterer? I couldn't believe the flood of emotions that came up. Delightful, wonderful, love filled memories. Pavements where we walked, the park where we relaxed, the pub we frequented.... Even bloody Sainsburys was
emotionally traumatic. But I just let the emotions be. I just let them flood through. It's easier that way.
Both Rob and I were surrounded by loving hearts the entire weekend. And thanks again to everyone who helped out with storage, moving, lending of vehicles etc. Particularly Steve Prentice and his lovely lady Kesh who always seem to end up with the majority of our bits and bobs, even after I 'fined' our belongings down to various charitable organisations. Going through clothes is saddening. The snowboarding gear especially. I'd love to just lie with it all wrapped up around me. So many fun memories. But this is clearly insane and things like this should be released to folks who can actually use them. Hard though. Very hard.... Lovely little snowboarding lady x
All in all it was a very pleasant, in fact I'm holding back, it was a very enjoyable weekend for all concerned I think. I look forward to returning with more time on my hands next time. Such good friends. Thank you all.
Amanda's bench was sat patiently in the garage at home awaiting my return. I was lying in bed thinking about the words Amanda would like to see on it. I think got to thinking how much I'd like to carve words on it. So rather than paying for someone to carve it, I've decided to pay for three lessons to learn the art of carving letters in to wood. Today was my second day. It was great. I can lose myself in an A or W for hours.... I'm sure it shouldn't take hours to carve these consonants but that's how long it takes me. I wanted to put my heart and soul in to Amanda's bench.... I want it to contain and reflect my very own love for her.... that and a little blood too no doubt as the chisels are sharp enough to shave hairs from your arms - or where ever you fancy shaving hairs from for that matter! So this learning takes time.... The carving will also take time.... So my travels are on hold until I feel everything is in place.
Each day I still return to my photo albums of Amanda. I decided that the albums should also feature images of memories we both had, and also some featuring me and people we met. I was focused on all the pictures just having Amanda in. But our travels were together, and so many pictures hold stories in my head. They may be smiles or frustrations or surprises.... But they are beautiful memories. There is a shot Amanda took of me fishing from the rocks in Northern Goa, her feet are in it. I love it because I can imagine her watching me and taking the photograph.... It makes me smile.... Then it makes me cry. But that's standard practice. Without sadness there can be no joy. Without darkness there can be no light. Without tears there can be no laughter. Everything is balanced in this life. We learn to cope with this balancing. We must learn not to grasp and cling to happiness, as there will always be sadness to encounter at some point. Our lives are waves in the ocean. Constantly moving. Ups and downs. Calm and storms. Ours is to learn to enjoy all weathers. All movements. To simply understand and be aware of our emotions. An awareness that life and everything in it is impermanent. For that reason we must aim to enjoy and learn from every experience that comes our way. Whether we see the experience as being good or bad we can take something positive from it. It's seeing that. It's learning how to actually see that. This is life. This is also dying.
We fear death... There's no doubt about it. I don't currently fear death any longer, which feels strange (I'm no longer scared sh*tless of spiders any more either). The Buddhist Philosophy states life is like an arrow fired from an archer... It's always headed in one direction... It's always headed toward it's target.... That target is death. That may sound macabre. But from the moment we are born we are constantly on a journey towards death. Whatever we do in between birth and death is what defines us. How ever many people remember us for the wonderful, beautiful things we did, for the help we gave, for the love we shared is really what defines us.... But not all of us see that yet.... For some it's what and how much we owned, or what position we held at work....I'm beginning to see things in a much different light. It's a beautiful love filled light. It illuminates the shadows that hide judgement, impatience, fear and anger... I hope it makes me a better man in the future.
Being with Amanda, then losing her has shaped the man who writes these words. He will continue to be shaped by what he chooses to read, who he chooses to interact with, his future life experiences - He will be shaped by the love in his heart.
I'm not entirely sure what's happening to me, and it may seem strange... weird to all those who've known me from years ago.... But we all change one way or the other.... Life is a river, life is an ocean, life is a mountain.
As Biffy Clyro (a fantastic Scottish band) once said
'I am a mountain, I am the sea, you can't take that away from me.
Nothing lasts forever except you and me. You are my mountain, you are my sea.'
Love to you all
x
.JPG) |
| Me & Rob at Banbury Train Station |
emotionally traumatic. But I just let the emotions be. I just let them flood through. It's easier that way.
Both Rob and I were surrounded by loving hearts the entire weekend. And thanks again to everyone who helped out with storage, moving, lending of vehicles etc. Particularly Steve Prentice and his lovely lady Kesh who always seem to end up with the majority of our bits and bobs, even after I 'fined' our belongings down to various charitable organisations. Going through clothes is saddening. The snowboarding gear especially. I'd love to just lie with it all wrapped up around me. So many fun memories. But this is clearly insane and things like this should be released to folks who can actually use them. Hard though. Very hard.... Lovely little snowboarding lady x
All in all it was a very pleasant, in fact I'm holding back, it was a very enjoyable weekend for all concerned I think. I look forward to returning with more time on my hands next time. Such good friends. Thank you all.
Amanda's bench was sat patiently in the garage at home awaiting my return. I was lying in bed thinking about the words Amanda would like to see on it. I think got to thinking how much I'd like to carve words on it. So rather than paying for someone to carve it, I've decided to pay for three lessons to learn the art of carving letters in to wood. Today was my second day. It was great. I can lose myself in an A or W for hours.... I'm sure it shouldn't take hours to carve these consonants but that's how long it takes me. I wanted to put my heart and soul in to Amanda's bench.... I want it to contain and reflect my very own love for her.... that and a little blood too no doubt as the chisels are sharp enough to shave hairs from your arms - or where ever you fancy shaving hairs from for that matter! So this learning takes time.... The carving will also take time.... So my travels are on hold until I feel everything is in place.
Each day I still return to my photo albums of Amanda. I decided that the albums should also feature images of memories we both had, and also some featuring me and people we met. I was focused on all the pictures just having Amanda in. But our travels were together, and so many pictures hold stories in my head. They may be smiles or frustrations or surprises.... But they are beautiful memories. There is a shot Amanda took of me fishing from the rocks in Northern Goa, her feet are in it. I love it because I can imagine her watching me and taking the photograph.... It makes me smile.... Then it makes me cry. But that's standard practice. Without sadness there can be no joy. Without darkness there can be no light. Without tears there can be no laughter. Everything is balanced in this life. We learn to cope with this balancing. We must learn not to grasp and cling to happiness, as there will always be sadness to encounter at some point. Our lives are waves in the ocean. Constantly moving. Ups and downs. Calm and storms. Ours is to learn to enjoy all weathers. All movements. To simply understand and be aware of our emotions. An awareness that life and everything in it is impermanent. For that reason we must aim to enjoy and learn from every experience that comes our way. Whether we see the experience as being good or bad we can take something positive from it. It's seeing that. It's learning how to actually see that. This is life. This is also dying.
We fear death... There's no doubt about it. I don't currently fear death any longer, which feels strange (I'm no longer scared sh*tless of spiders any more either). The Buddhist Philosophy states life is like an arrow fired from an archer... It's always headed in one direction... It's always headed toward it's target.... That target is death. That may sound macabre. But from the moment we are born we are constantly on a journey towards death. Whatever we do in between birth and death is what defines us. How ever many people remember us for the wonderful, beautiful things we did, for the help we gave, for the love we shared is really what defines us.... But not all of us see that yet.... For some it's what and how much we owned, or what position we held at work....I'm beginning to see things in a much different light. It's a beautiful love filled light. It illuminates the shadows that hide judgement, impatience, fear and anger... I hope it makes me a better man in the future.
Being with Amanda, then losing her has shaped the man who writes these words. He will continue to be shaped by what he chooses to read, who he chooses to interact with, his future life experiences - He will be shaped by the love in his heart.
I'm not entirely sure what's happening to me, and it may seem strange... weird to all those who've known me from years ago.... But we all change one way or the other.... Life is a river, life is an ocean, life is a mountain.
As Biffy Clyro (a fantastic Scottish band) once said
'I am a mountain, I am the sea, you can't take that away from me.
Nothing lasts forever except you and me. You are my mountain, you are my sea.'
Love to you all
x
Your blog moves me to tears and your strength is truely inspiring :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you. Amanda's strength moved me to tears. Her outlook on life and how to interact to others compassionately and selflessly is to be my inspiration when I choose to continue this journey.
DeleteMark Boyd
http://www.facebook.com/MarkBoydPhotography
You write so beautifully, Mark - such strength in your vulnerability.. I salute you <3 I hope this isn't perceived as 'meddling' or inappropriate but as I read your heart-breaking blog, a book 'Dying to Be Me' by Andrea Moorjani came to mind..
ReplyDeleteNamaste Pam
Thankyou Pam. Amanda downloaded this book during her final 6 months, it was the audio version. When she was very ill during her last few days I would pop the earphones in for her, and play the book. I hoped it would give her peace. She wasnt communicating at the time, so I hope it was the right thing to do for her.... amanda loved Anita's story x
Delete