Photographs.... Benches.... and more photographs....

Last weekend I ventured over to Banbury with my lovely step daughter Robyn.  Amanda left us for one another.  This trip gave us time together.  Time to talk, time to air all our feelings regarding the loss of Rob's wonderful Mum and my delightful wife... It was time well spent.  Emotions can become extremely confused when we lose someone.  What fires out of our mouths can seem like anger, but if the pressure isn't permitted to build within and more gentle emotions are given the right of passage anger rarely rears it's ugly head.  It's allowing ourselves to be with our gentle emotions that really helps us heal.  That's why I cry so much.... If I stuffed it down I'm sure everyone would be walking on egg shells around me. I'd no doubt be like a mini Mount Vesuvius ready to erupt at the slightest emotional tremor...

Me & Rob at Banbury Train Station

The ferry ride from the IOM to Liverpool was filled with tears during the first 15 minutes.  I'd only travelled via ferry.... or plance with Amanda over the past 8 years.  Walking through Liverpool, along the Albert Dock brought back memories of us heading off on our travels.... and returning from our travels (Thailand, May 2012).  More tears.  Then meeting Rob at Lime Street Train Station in Liverpool, even more tears.... I'm surprised I didn't dehydrate on the way to Banbury.  Banbury itself was a real eye opener for me.  Or should I say eye waterer?  I couldn't believe the flood of emotions that came up.  Delightful, wonderful, love filled memories.  Pavements where we walked, the park where we relaxed, the pub we frequented.... Even bloody Sainsburys was

I am Blessed Because....

Nothings changed.... yet everything has changed....
I'm sure we all feel the same.  There are shallow smiles and laughter.  They are short lived but hugely important amidst the deep anguish, loss and sadness I feel.  Sometimes I can sleep.  Sometimes I can't.  Obviously things can never be the same, in part that's the beauty of life.  If you dip your foot in the river then take it out, then a few seconds later dip it in again, are you dipping your foot in to the same river?  No.  You can never dip your foot in the exact same river again.  The river is constantly changing, running past us all.  What we can't see around the bend upstream will eventually come to us.  The water you dipped your foot in a few seconds ago has since moved downstream without you; this is new water.  I suppose I have to get used to this constantly changing river of life.  Be willing to accept the turbulence, the deep dark eddies, the waterfalls, the wild rapids that occur in everyone's river at some point.  If everything happens for a reason, as I keep reading... Destiny the tapestry of life etc etc then Amanda is not here with me, with us all, for a reason.... At the present time I can't see what that reason is.  Did her life need to be shortened?  Had she achieved everything she needed to?  Did I, Robyn her family and friends need to experience deep sorrow so soon at the loss of this wonderful lady?  Nothing else could have made me feel this way.  Friends and family are wonderful.  I am so grateful for all the love.  But nothing comes close to what I felt when we were together...
I find myself trying to get on with something, then before I know it I'm back sorting out more photographs for our life album.... or ordering more prints, or searching for little movie clips.  I had a two clips of Amanda in Auroville, India on a little pink memory card.... I can't find it anywhere.  I've turned the house and car upside down.  I'm gutted.  I wanted them forever.  Attachment to things eh.  Pointless and upsetting.
I've listened to music this week.  Songs that meant something to us.... Beautiful lyrics or happy tunes, they all evoke such deep emotion.

Last weekend a good friend held a dinner party for a group of us.  7 courses for 6 people.  It was fantastic.  The food was a delight and the company was wonderful.  A small glass of wine to match each dish ensured lively discussion and conversation.  Yes once or twice I broke, and went to 'the naughty step' on the stairs for a sob, but that was fine.  My friend then suggested we go to town.  I wasn't sure.  Kevin assured me if I was unhappy we could come straight back.  Very nice of him.  Well it was strange being surrounded by lots of merry revellers seeking love or sex within their alcohol.  Stranger still a girl with a pretty smile danced with me for a brief spell.  I told her the situation....  I think she could tell there was something amiss by my lost rather forlorn expression, she also spotted Amanda's engagement and wedding rings which I wear on my little finger.  She was very kind and understanding and very smiley which was nice.  She didn't just leg it either, which she could have done!
There were tears in town again due to the complex myriad emotions I was feeling with so many strangers around, so much noise and calamity.  These tears were pretty well stashed though.  It was a pleasant (bearable) re-introduction to the normality of human existence here on the Isle of Man.  Thanks to Charlie for all his effort with the food and the boys for a lovely evening, and thanks to Kev for 'taking care of me' in town.

Last week I was fishing on a tiny river gorge near Santon.  I'd forced my way upstream in my heavy neoprene waders to cast towards a big deep waterfall pool.  My spinner (a little lure with hooks that imitates a small fish) became snagged just alongside the waterfall upstream.

Very beautiful lady fishing on the River Beas in Northern India

The sound of the water was all encompassing.  It roared like a great white noise.  You can hear voices in a waterfall, it's very strange.  At the same time this deafening sound was peaceful and tranquil in the dappled light coming through the trees.  I was stood waist deep in the powerful stream pulling and tugging the line, unable to go any further due to the depth and power of the water.  I'd cast so far upstream I couldn't quite see where I was snagged.  I held the rod straight and stepped backwards in an attempt to snap the line and start again.  Every now and again we lose spinners due to tree branches, fences and big rocks.  Suddenly the line loosened.  Whatever had been holding on had given up.  I wound the line and spinner in, to find a