As
I travel through India with Amanda in my heart and mind, resting my
weary head in pokey little rooms where my little shrine of images are
placed as soon as I'm settled, I continue to muse over the many
questions regarding life and death.
I
seem to feel more emotional whilst travelling between destinations,
these emotions more often than not end up in tears. I think these
travelling times were where we relied on one another. Our strengths
and weaknesses covering one another. In addition to the support
there was always the smiling eyes, laughter, talk and touch..... All
with a woman who wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and me
with her. I continue to remind myself how lucky we both were to find
one another and to fight for one another from when we first met until
'death did us part.'
I'm
still with Amanda, it's obvious to everyone I meet. I think that due
to this relationship any girls who travel with me for a short time
feel safe, one girl Gemma, thought Amanda was still with me. She
thought I'd left her back in the UK.
I
don't want to bore you with the focus on my feelings. They are
unimportant, they are nothing compared to Amanda's life being cut
short. I choose, well we all choose our feelings. To feel sad is a
choice, it's not something forced upon us by a situation. It's in
our minds. Most of us do not realise this simple fact of life. We
only think negatively if we choose to do so, we can end up feeling
depressed due to a loss of mental control, a loss of presence and
awareness. It's up to us where we place our focus. I feel sad
because I choose to feel sad. I often think of the great times that
make me smile. That made us both really smile.
I
continue to ponder the theories of destiny and reincarnation.
A
few months ago I considered the suggestions which allude to our paths
of destiny having already been mapped out. Not to say we have no
real choices in life that allow us to determine our own path through
life, rather we are on a wide track which travels through a dense
forest, off this track there are many trails to choose from, these
choices/paths determine what events we experience along our journey.
This life starts with birth and ends with death.
But
now I question this theory.
Why
would our life expectancy increase steadily as it has over the years
with more of us surviving child birth plus improvements in water
quality and medical developments (surgery). Why would destiny a type
of timeless 'magical' predetermination of all our lives allow itself
to be influenced by human modernisation? Why would 'Destiny' adhere
to the modernisation of human evolution? If 'Destiny' exists I would
assume it is a more powerful force than everything invented or
improved by humans? Do you see where I'm coming from?
I'm
not sure we were set to be born and expire at a predetermined age
according to the laws of destiny or 'The Gods'. The simple fact that
we are tending to experience slightly longer lives muddles this
theory for me.
Cancer,
diabetes, stroke and various heart conditions seem to have replaced
the old diseases that man managed to eradicate or at least control,
such as small pox, typhoid and tuberculosis. Whilst cancer, diabetes
and heart problems exist there will be a continued culling of the
young and old.
I
always end up thinking that somehow I could have saved Amanda, that
she could still be here, laughing, smiling and being. But I'll never
know, as I won't get the chance.
It
will never matter that others believe we did all we could. Or the
ones that believe she made the wrong choices, even though they know
little of the actual results and failure of conventional treatment.
The five percent success rate in certain cancers associated with
chemotherapy could simply be down to genes, placebo effect,
nutrition, mental disposition or something greater. Who knows? This
could also be said for the alternative success rates.
Maybe
this 'something greater' is 'Destiny'.
In
all the years I knew Amanda I don't think I ever failed her. I saved
her, protected her, loved her and nurtured her, as she did me. We
made each another laugh, smile and cry. We brought joy to one
another. Our intense love and commitment enhanced our lives.
Could
I really have saved Amanda this time? I believe somehow I could.....
Maybe this is something I need to work on. No matter what I believe,
a chain of events conspired to take this beautiful woman away. No
amount of grief or 'what ifs' will bring her back.
I
truly hope there is something bigger and better after this life, or
that reincarnation really occurs..... I don't have faith.... But I do
have hope..... and while we have hope there is always a chance.
Travels
are still difficult, I miss Amanda so much, but there's nothing I can
actually do about this missing, this longing, this aching. I
continue to experience the series of events we know as life. I aim
to find enjoyment and peace, to give love and kindness where ever I
can. That's it really.
www.completingourjourney.blogspot.com
