Laid to Rest.... The Service....

If you listen on a laptop or desktop there is audio with this post....

Yesterday, Thursday 29th August was a powerfully emotional day.  It was the day we were to officially acknowledge Amanda's passing.... The preparation sleep proved evasive, but meditation allowed me to feel rested as the sun rose.  At 8am we collected Amanda from the Funeral Directors in her white poppy print casket and brought her back to her sisters house.  Rose petals and little bunches of exquisite wild flowers, beautifully put together by Amanda's Aunt Linda were strewn over and around my wife's casket.  Candles flickered on the window sill.  The room looked beautiful.  Personal treasures and notes were left inside the casket with Amanda.  My goodbyes
had been  done, and having seen Amanda 'embalmed' a few days before the The Chapel of Rest, I chose not to see her resting again.... Eventually my will broke,  I felt the need to see her one last time.  I stroked her face and kissed her forehead and sobbed.... God I love her.... Andy consoled me.

20 minutes before we left for the crematorium family and friends visited to pay their respects, giving love and admiration for this beautiful woman.

Rather than a cold black hearse, I'd asked if Andy would be willing to do the honours with his plush silver converted van.  Ideal.  We took the slow drive to the crematorium.  As we approached the crematorium between the sea of headstones, we could see over 100 friends and family from the Isle of Man, England,  Ireland and Wales waiting patiently to show their respect for Amanda and support for the family..... It was overwhelming.  Steve and Kesh had always been there for Amanda when turmoil exploded into her life, so I asked Steve if he would be willing to 'carry Amanda' one more time with me, along with Jordan (her nephew) and Ray, her Mum's husband.... 'A Hundred Thousand Angels' started to play over the speakers.... we carried my wife's beautiful human shell ensconced within her white poppy print casket to the table in the crematorium.   Friends and family took their places in the overflowing pews, others crowded the aisle, spilling outside in to the soft grey morning.

I took my place in the pulpit, nervous and sorrowful but more than anything, filled with pride to have the chance to tell everyone what a truly beautiful human being we had all had the chance to share time with.

I began....

TRACK - BLISS - A HUNDRED THOUSAND ANGELS

Thank you all for coming, and thank you so much for respecting Amanda's wishes for a rainbow coloured congregation, she would be pleased to see such a fine range of colours.....

We never expect it do we? The loss of a loved one... How ever long the process takes it still comes as a devastating blow when we feel someone has be taken from us, taken from their own life. The sense of loss feels unrivalled especially when it's someone so young, so beautiful, so vibrant, so full of love and kindness for others. When I say others I don't just mean family and friends, I mean absolute strangers. Amanda's compassion and empathy for everyone was simply beautiful. So full of love..... and I miss her. I miss sharing my mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights with my bestfriend and lover. Initially I felt as though my world would fall apart, that nothing could soothe this deep ache in my chest, this painful void in my belly, but then I'd reflect. I reflected how Amanda had taught me to reflect. I sat with my emotions and let them flood through me. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes.... Tears flowed from my eyes like a gushing river, my body shook uncontrollably with the intensity of the sobbing..... with each emotional release pain was replaced by something else... Something better....

A friend we met whilst travelling India sent me a powerful message. It provoked strength within me. Dayal worshipped a holy man called Papaji. A wise yogi, a sage, his followers would travel thousands of miles simply to be within his company. Dayal said the following....

'When Papaji, who was everything to me, left his body, I thought the world had collapsed, and then I realised that he gave me the greatest gift ever. Freedom. Instead of limiting him to a body that I could see , hear or talk too for just few hours a day, he bacame available and unseparate all the time in my heart. I have never missed him in 16 years since then. Same for you with Amanda. If you realise that she is your own self, abiding in the heart sorrow will disappear and just love and eternal gratefulness will remain. Thats the truth.'

Amanda had much respect for Dayal, and were the tables turned she would take this wisdom and use it to progress in her own life. Amanda suffered no fear of death, many have asked what Amanda's beliefs were.... Amanda believed in a higher self, many know that higher self as their own God, Buddha where ever their faith may be placed. Amanda believed in the soul and the energy of the soul. That this energy would move on when our life here on earth came to an end. Maybe reincarnation.... Maybe a parallel universe..... Maybe a spirit world of boundless peace and love..... She was open to everything, but the common thread running through Amanda's beliefs was that

something else was to follow, and she had full faith in that.

TRACK - DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE – I'LL FOLLOW YOU IN TO THE DARK

Here is a typically beautifully written email by Amanda, full of consideration and empathy to a friend who had lost her father....

"Hello Lovely,  How are you  ?   I hope that your nights are more restful and hold less torment ,and that with each new day you are moving closer to being able to accept and understand your loss.  Sadly, the sorrow you feel can take so long to dissolve, but try not to fight it or push it away or it will simply remain for longer, (that which we resist, persists).   Scary as it may seem, let the sadness wash over you, pass through it, you will be fine, it will not harm you , you will come out the other side feeling, lighter and cleansed.   
It's often, the "not knowing what follows death" that can be the hardest to come to terms with. The logically mind searches for reason and when Reason can not be found confusion reigns. The mind cannot rest, its like being lost in a maze, in the dark and  frantically searching for a way out. No-one can tell us for sure, if our loved one is somewhere or not.  I believe we just have to trust our gut instincts, and take comfort from our own inner knowing and beliefs.  If, like some, you believe there is nowhere after death then I guess comfort comes solely from having shared in the life of your loved one and the acceptance of your belief in the life/death cycle as the natural course of events.  The logical explanation.  However if like me, you believe there is more, if you believe that the soul, your essence, spirit, (whatever you wish to call it) carries on then you have to accept that we dont know where the soul goes too, but, just merely trust that it does.  The process of acceptance - either way - is often complicated by many internal and external factors, however the journey  to acceptance is essential - don't put it off, for once you have arrived at acceptance  you are free once again to go on living.  I pray that you keep yourself safe on this journey (don't forget to love yourself - I know that you, like I, can have a tendency to be self destructive when you are hurting, don't let that happen, you are worth so much more) and I hope your soul will be richer at the end of it.  If I can be of any help or comfort please let me know. Thinking of you and sending lots of love and healing hugs".

Very few had the great honour of knowing the more recent Amanda. The last 9 years saw her become more beautiful day by day on the inside., manifesting on the outside as peacefulness, serenity and a blossoming beauty noticed by all who met her and those who had known her in times gone by and by those who were lucky enough to meet heragain more recently. If you were fortunate enough for Amanda's path to have crossed yours, however briefly, you could never forget her. Her voice, her eyes, her smile, her kind heart and generosity.

Amanda lived many lives in her time with us.... From obsessive Sunday school and beach mission child to fun and party girl, to mother, hairdresser, business owner then onwards and upwards toward self discovery and spirituality involving meditation and yoga. Her life was far from plain sailing.... She suffered tragedy through loss, and a cascade of physical and emotional abuse through a previous relationship. But did Amanda wallow in self pity during these testing times? No, no she didn't. Amanda drew on her experiences and grew stronger.... She became the great observer of her own mind. She studied through observation how the uncontrolled mind affected her emotions and behaviour. She wanted to understand her own mind, so she could be at peace with everything and everyone. Her mind was to be her strongest attribute in her final years. She recently wrote that her mind was her best ally.

Gone From My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,

spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts

for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck

of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,

hull and spar as she was when she left my side.

And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me - not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"

there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices

ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

Whilst we travelled South East Asia and India Amanda's gentle heart would be displaced by the suffering and poverty she witnessed, often being moved to tears. Amanda was gifted and tormented with deep sensitivity and emotion. Events that would fail to generate a reaction in most would cause an upwelling of tears and sadness, deep empathy and compassion from my little angel. She truly was a beautiful soul. At times Amanda suffered a dislike for herself for actions past. Letting go was difficult for her. Self forgiveness was her goal, she knew this could free her from all her fears and anxieties. This is where she placed her focus. When well her daily meditation practise calmed her mind, allowed her to analyse her emotions.... She had a longing to know her own mind.... Her desire to be in control of her emotions, rather than succumbing to a reactionary lifestyle of defensiveness, impatience, frustration and anger was infectious. So She sought to develop the opposite of such traits. Openness, humility, patience, wisdom, understanding, compassion and empathy..... and I think she was just about there....

KESHA POEM - A FEATHER FROM AN ANGEL

I want to rant, rave, scream and shout about what we learned over the past two and a half years about the sickness and business known as cancer.... about how Governments, Pharmaceutical Companies and Health Sectors are failing us all... and although this is a hugely important issue, it is not part of today... my bitterness and disappointment holds no place here. This is an acknowledgement, a celebration of the true beauty of Amanda Boyd. My wonderful wife, caring mother to Robyn, daughter to Colleen, Peter and Ray, sister of Jane and Sally, Aunty to Jordan, Sophie and Madeline.... I could go on and on to what she is to each one of us.... But these are merely titles.... She was so many other things to you all..... To me she was..... everything.... I could stand here and waffle a torrent of words, I could literally stand here all day talking about our love about her qualities..... Apart from being my very bestfriend, the better looking reflection in my mirror of life....the kinder more generous soul of the one, she was my passion, my inspiration, she injected fire in to my life.....

Without Amanda it was unlikely I'd have ever lived anywhere other than this beautiful isle. Even though inside me an adventurer lay dormant. I would never have sent photographs and stories to the fishing magazines.... Oh I'd have thought about it.... But I'd have decided my words were substandard, that my photographs were below par, not as good as other writers or photographers.... and in my show of defeat Amanda would look at me.... Her big beautiful eyes, her stunning smile, and say, 'Read me your story... Stroke my head.' She would snuggle in to me, head lay on my chest. She had no love for fishing much, but she did have a love for my stories, where fishing came second to the wonders of nature and the fun of adventure. With Amanda I could achieve anything!

Each night having got up to whatever in love couples get up to, we would read to one another..... We spent time dancing together around the house like lunatics, me imparticular, she loved it when I 'crazy danced' for her, we always ate fresh so we spent lots of time in the kitchen together (much of it spent arguing about the best way to prepare a vegetarian feast).... The television gathered dust in the corner of the living room.... It was surplus to requirements in our life.... We were very lucky.

Khaled Hosseini says it best.....

“It may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime...” This is how I feel, this is how many of us felt on the 21^st of August.

READING BY JANE

I read something recently.... Before Amanda left us to embark on her next adventure....

I know Amanda would have loved it

by Thich Nhat Hanh

"Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life."

Amanda was all about trying to be present, letting go of the past, not focusing too much on the future... as yesterday was a gift and tomorrow is not promised.

.

Saint Jean de Paul said

"Make it a practice to judge persons and things in the most favourable light at all times and under all circumstances."
This is how Amanda was living her life. She refused to be involved in petty squabbles between friends or family, rather becoming a mediator for both sides, judging no one, simply listening, being open to everything and everyone.



Amanda was always giving emotionally, even whilst we were staying at the hospice, where they tried to manage her pain! One of our favourite nurses came in for an evening chat, I think we had become friends. We sat and discussed the importance of living life, rather than simply existing amidst the rat race. She opened up about her friends and family we opened up about ours.... It was a beautiful hour of deep conversation.... She sent a caring message having heard of Amanda's passing. Saying she had been inspired by us... I thought how kind, such a sweet thing to say, but didn't think much to it. She went on to say the following 'I can't begin to tell you (I probably don't need to) what a special couple you guys were, what an amazing bond you shared.. share. Something I think most people will only ever strive....dream of having. Unfortunately today I think you are an exception, not the rule, as people are so "closed". I hope you have a special spot you can sit and hold Amanda tight in your heart and soul.  Try not to let this last month over shadow what you had and will always have together.
Thanks for writing back, this only highlights what selfless people you are.  . I'm heading off travelling for 8 months, hoping to blow away some cobwebs and maybe find a new path.' 
Now that's what I call inspiration! That's the 'Amanda Effect'.

Amanda's Poem:

Listen to your heart

What does it say?

Trust your intuition it will guide the way

Follow the advice you receive from within

Acting out your hearts desire could never be a sin

So trust in you and watch youself grow

Go manifest abundance and see yourself glow

Little Madeline, Amanda's youngest neice couldn't be with us, so she recorded a little message...... MADDIE - VOICE CLIP



TRACK - BLISS - SAY GOODBYE

END OF SERVICE......


I left the pulpit whilst 'Say Goodbye' played, knocked on the door to that Sarah who oversees all the funerals at the crematorium.  I'd left her in charge of the music..... She smiled, with a tear in her eye and told me how beautiful the service was.  I was moved.  This lady gets to host, I don't know how many funerals each day, and this send off had been enough to move her.  
What I have omitted from the service above is how many times I crumbled, broke and wept.... I felt it was often, hopefully not so often as to distract from the celebration.

As far as a day goes where you find yourself saying goodbye to the person in your life who means more to you than anything else, it went well. Amongst all the praise I received for having the courage to stand and talk about Amanda (which was easy because it was fuelled by sheer pride to tell everyone about Amanda) I just wished it had been a practise run for the real thing, so Amanda could have watched, smiled and cried with joy. Really felt the love that was there for her, bathed, basked in it.... then have said to me at the end 'that was perfect, just how I'd want it to be' and then hug me.... 

Thank you to both families and all our friends for coming to celebrate Amanda's life. Thank you to my Mum and Trish Watterson for making lovely food for after Amanda's funeral. Thanks to Mum & Dad for opening up the house to everyone so they come and see all the photographs of Amanda on the big screen, wedding albums and holiday albums. Thank you to everyone for coming to the house to hear a few more messages from friends who couldn't be there on the day, plus the 'Things I am Grateful For....' by Amanda.

We were all so lucky......

Anyone who would like copies of the service sheets please let me know xxx