Insomnia and Priorities....

I lie in the darkness... It's not black. Light seeps in. It's the darkest of greys, speckled like noise on a digital camera image or grain on a black and white photograph... This greyness tells me my eyes are open, not closed as I'd thought. I'm thinking. I'm always thinking. Unless of course I'm meditating. Then there is peace. Sometimes I choose to contemplate. Contemplation leads to many emotions. Happiness, smiles and joy.... but it nearly always ends in tears.

I comtemplate what it is that creates my own grief surrounding Amanda's passing.

There is the obvious loss, the missing, the emptiness.... 'but there is more' (to paraphrase a silly Irish comedian from the 80's called Jimmy Cricket). It's not just the obvious loss, missing and emptiness.... it's not even the complete and utter loss of emotional and life direction. Much of it comes from no longer feeling 'needed'.

A couple of weeks ago I was sat fishing in the warm sun on a very quiet section of coastline. The tide had been receding for an hour, the water already shallow, beginning to drop back revealing rocks beneath.... By now (when Amanda was fit and healthy) I'd normally be having thoughts of returning home to prepare dinner for us both... or returning home because I simply missed her and wanted to head home. I'd always be wanting that last cast, but I'd head home because I was 'needed' and I 'needed' to see, hold, kiss my wife.

As I sat there, uncomfortably perched on a rather jagged rock, my orange bubble float was gently being washed on to the weed covered rocks by tiny lapping waves. I was day dreaming.... drifting....

Today I don't need to go home. Today, like yesterday, and tomorrow I'm not needed. I have no one to return to. A huge wave of

Life.

It's been 25 days since Amanda passed away.... Much has happened over these few days.

There has been much grieving and confusion from everyone who loved, adored, respected and treasured this beautiful woman. Hopefully love, respect and forgiveness will eventually abound from the negativity that sometimes arises from the doubt, guilt and fear instilled within us all.

I received two beautifully kind hand written letters stating how much the blog had restored their faith in human love and kindness. The chaps who penned these letter agreed that Amanda did indeed leave a beautiful impression on everyone who was lucky enough to meet her. One of these letters contained a wonderfully generous donation of £200 to Amanda's charity, the Indian Pre-School in Gokarna. I won't name the chap, but I would like to him once again for such a grand show of generosity.

There have been many sleepless nights over these past few weeks, and many tears shed by all Amanda's daughter, husband, friends, relatives. Here on the blog I can only speak of my own personal experience. My empathy and compassion lies with

6 years married today....

Thank you all for all your supportive words and messages over the past few days.  They are heartfelt and beautiful.
Thank you all for your donations to Amanda's worthy cause, the Shankar Prasad pre-school in Gokarna India.  We've currently raised over £600.  Amazing.  Amanda would be very proud of you all, and be moved by such a great show of generosity.

Today Amanda and I would have been married for six years (although we first got together for a few months of affection and love 17 years ago, then decided to travel our own paths before getting back together on numerous occasions, up until 9 years ago,when we both decided we were ready to fully commit to one another... This plus the fact I was then willing to move away from the Isle of Man!).... I hoped for at least 45 years of married bliss before one of us popped our clogs, but what can you do?
The last few weeks of Amanda's life haunt me, the final days, weeks, hours and that final minute torture me.... I am sure I could have done more.  It matters not what anyone else tells me or writes in heartfelt messages.  As long as I believe I could have done more, that's how it is.  This is what eats me at quiet times.  Why when I loved her so much did I not do more to make something happen?  My mind is frustrating me.  Upsetting me.  Graphic images, sounds and unanswered questions race around in my head.... Then, I focus and once again regain control bringing my attention to the love we had... The love I still hold for Amanda.... Then the cycle begins again.

I ordered a large print of Amanda sat on the Beas river in Manali, India.  It arrived the day after Amanda's send off.  I opened it and wept at her beauty amidst the raw energy of nature that surrounded her.  Why was she not by my side any longer?  Where was she?  Many words of wisdom and kindness are gestured my way.  A smorgasbord of cliches.   As my friend correctly pointed out, cliches become cliches because they are considered to be intelligent observations, words of wisdom that are used over and over again to offer comfort to those in need.... I keep all the messages to read over again... because at some point I will no doubt feel comforted by the fact that so many care about my state of mind and precarious current fragile emotional wellbeing, but at times I just see words.... I don't really feel anything.  Please don't let this put you off sending me messages of kindness, they are lovely.... It's just at the moment my emotions are unrecognisable.   My thoughts are beffudled.

My wife looking thoughtful amidst the peace of nature..... Stunning.... Simply Stunning....

Over recent days whilst surrounded by friends having fun, or whilst experiencing exhilaration through mountain biking alongside vertical drops above the sea I felt brief sparks of joy, but these sparks quickly succumb to 'I wish Amanda was here with me, she would have added another dimension of fun and love to the day, to the event... to whatever was going on.'  Then I think how much she would have enjoyed what we were doing, how much I'd have enjoyed having her beside me, her love circling around me like a warm coat... little glimpses at one another, playful eye contact and cheeky smiles....  Then I realise that is never going to happen again.... then as if my body has become an absorbent vessel capable of converting all emotion to  sadness and the ground I stand on has become a pool of sorrow... I fill, I expand to full capacity.... the overflow spilling out as tears from my eyes..... I weep.....
I guess this is how it's going to be for a while.