Insomnia and Priorities....

I lie in the darkness... It's not black. Light seeps in. It's the darkest of greys, speckled like noise on a digital camera image or grain on a black and white photograph... This greyness tells me my eyes are open, not closed as I'd thought. I'm thinking. I'm always thinking. Unless of course I'm meditating. Then there is peace. Sometimes I choose to contemplate. Contemplation leads to many emotions. Happiness, smiles and joy.... but it nearly always ends in tears.

I comtemplate what it is that creates my own grief surrounding Amanda's passing.

There is the obvious loss, the missing, the emptiness.... 'but there is more' (to paraphrase a silly Irish comedian from the 80's called Jimmy Cricket). It's not just the obvious loss, missing and emptiness.... it's not even the complete and utter loss of emotional and life direction. Much of it comes from no longer feeling 'needed'.

A couple of weeks ago I was sat fishing in the warm sun on a very quiet section of coastline. The tide had been receding for an hour, the water already shallow, beginning to drop back revealing rocks beneath.... By now (when Amanda was fit and healthy) I'd normally be having thoughts of returning home to prepare dinner for us both... or returning home because I simply missed her and wanted to head home. I'd always be wanting that last cast, but I'd head home because I was 'needed' and I 'needed' to see, hold, kiss my wife.

As I sat there, uncomfortably perched on a rather jagged rock, my orange bubble float was gently being washed on to the weed covered rocks by tiny lapping waves. I was day dreaming.... drifting....

Today I don't need to go home. Today, like yesterday, and tomorrow I'm not needed. I have no one to return to. A huge wave of
sadness washed over me and tears streamed down my face. What do I do? Where do I go? The sense of no longer being needed by Amanda is substantial. I have all this love.... and I want her beside me so she can bathe in it. But she is no longer her with me in this physical world.

The other substantial part of my grieving is the feeling Amanda's life was cut short.... Obviously I feel that. We all do. I feel she is missing out unfairly, she is no longer here to share experiences with me any longer. Where is her smile, where is her laugh? When I experience something fun or exciting without Amanda, it's simply not even half the fun or half as exciting as when it was shared with her. Even just talking and reliving the event later with Amanda was fun. We loved to share. And even though she didn't always want to hear about my fishing capers or how I played in goals on Saturday she always (at least pretended :-) listened. I loved that (thank you baby x).

So that's where it's at. I've ordered a beautiful teak root bench..... I was going to place it somewhere at or close to The Sound. We liked to sit and read, meditate, lie in one another's arms and just relax there, but that idea has been blown out of the water by Manx Heritage. No more benches however natural looking they are. I'll find somewhere peaceful by the sea. Somewhere beautiful out in the full force of nature's elements.

I continue to read Amanda's writings and musings. Beautifully worded prose and wise verses. Some I will share as she would want. But many will remain with Amanda and I.

I do wonder how many see Amanda's approach to her treatment as a failure. A wrong decision. I hope after all that's been written that most can see that her choices were wise. I think her disease had progressed before it had even been detected as a tumour in her breast. There are many out there successfully highlighting the failings of nearly all traditional cancer treatments. The breast cancer regimes being some of the most unsuccessful of all. There has been almost no improvement in almost 20 years of trying to improve treatement outcomes. Yes tumours are detected earlier, therefore it's easier for women to reach the 5 year 'successfully treated' mark, but this is simply masking the truth of what is actually happening – or not happening as the case is. There have been movies made about it.... It's not just the odd person ranting. It's hundreds of thousands of people ranting about it.... But this ranting only happens when loved ones are directly affected, it only happens when we are personally emotionally affected. It only happens when those affected actually want answers, rather than burying their heads in the sand.. Before then we live in a state of blissful ignorance. Our trust placed firmly with the doctors, oncologists and specialists, who are all trying their best. Unfortunately their best is limited by the efficacy of certain products and their trust is misguididly placed in the organisations who pump millions in to developing new or tweaked 'treatments' for cancer to make billions of dollars/pounds back. They aim to make vast profits in this highly successful business called 'Cancer.' If I was unfortunate enough (the average person, with an average diet, emotional disposition living in an average environment in the west; apparently has about a 35% chance of being diagnosed with some form of cancer) to every suffer a cancer diagnosis, I can tell you 100% that I would refuse chemotherapy. I would also refuse needle biopsies. I would review everything I'd learnt over the past 2 years, and I would follow a nutritional based cancer program using various high dose vitamins and minerals. I'd try other alternative treatments alongside. I hope never to have to follow any special cancer regime. As humans we are great to react to events.... as opposed to preventing them. Many chronic illnesses can be prevented, not through a course of drugs or double mastecomy either. Through changies in our lifestyles, through eating and drinking as healthily as we possibly can.

'We can't afford to feed our family organic food'. Unless you are literally on the bread line and food is all you buy, I find this hard to believe. Eating organically only looks expensive because the pesticide and herbicide covered crap sits along side it at a lower cost. I've just took a peek at Tescos online to compare a handful of Tescos own vegetables against their organic range. I'm sure you'll be surprised..

Tesco Broccoli £2.99/kg

Organic Broccoli £3.34/kg

Tesco Carrots £1.00/kg

Organic Carrots. £1.36/kg

Tesco Cauliflower £1.00 each

Organic Cauliflower £2.00 each

Tesco Cabbage £0.84 each

Organic Cabbage £1.00 each

Tesco Avocado £1.00 each

Organic Avacado £1.30 each

Tesco Celery £0.80

Organic Cerlery £1.25

This is just a small selection. Fair enough, the cauliflower is 100% more expensive (or 50% cheaper than the organic). So if you decided to put a an organic cauliflower in your weekly shop ahead of the regular cauliflower that you buy each week ;-) you'd have spent an extra quid. Plus another 72p on a couple bags of carrots, an extra 10p on your 300 gram head of broccoli, 32p on a couple of heads of cabbage, 45p on your celery etc etc..... It all adds up of course, and if you did decide to drop the processed ready meals and frozen meals in favour of whole fresh foods, buying lots of organic fruit and veg (which most folks don't eat near enough of anyway) your food bill per week may increase.... But ready meals cost plenty for what you get, so you may actually find what you can make from all the fresh food gives you a lot more punch for your pound! We could, if we so desired, and we would if we took the time to read about the different types of chemicals being used on our crops, all afford to buy organic fruit and veg. Think about the cost of not buying it. Do you know how many carcinogenic chemicals (actually listed carcinogens) are used in pesticides and herbicides.... 'Ah they spray them on the food. They must be fine. The Government wouldn't let them spary it if it was harmful!' I wonder does anyone reading this remember DDT and Agent Orange (He wasn't in Reservoir Dogs)? These chemicals were also considered fine by governments and various agencies to use in the environment too.... It all comes down to where we place our priorities. Most of my friends and family are not literally on the bread line. Yes we all say we're skint from time to time, but that's usually because we're worrying about being unable to afford the new car payments or the upcoming holiday or the credit card bills..... But surely what we choose to put in to our bodies to sustain and acutally build our muscle tissue, ligaments, tendons, nerves, bones, teeth, nails, skin, teeth, hormones, red blood cells, white blood cells and every other type of tissue in our bodies is the most important thing that we can possibly spend our money on? Orrrrr is it Sky TV, new household appliances, designer clothes, and new cars? Are they more important than our own health? Can we enjoy a car if we are stressed with credit card payments we've let build due to 'wanting' and 'needing' more 'things'? Maybe what we really need is a few drinks at £3 odd per pint or £8 on 20 cigarettes maybe these are more important to our wellbeing? Everyone has their own emotional and financial priorities. Most of us do not realise how we prioritise these actions above our own bodily well being simply down to a lack of self awareness. Whether these priorities have formed a habit through repitition or have been formed over years of conditioning, one thing is for sure, they can be over come and broken. Rather than basing our lives on beliefs and passing comments from others such as the example I'm highlighting here 'We can't afford to buy organic food' why not base our lives on the actual experience?

Wow, it's just gone 2am.... Insomnia.... Ranting... Hoping those I love will take a few of my words on board.... I know ranting is of no real use. High horses are a long way from the ground, and soap boxes tend to be slippery.... But for me it's worth the risk. I'm just putting love out there. I hope this is how it's taken.

I am blessed to have such wonderful parents, who love me dearly, and I them. I am blessed to have such wonderful family and friends who also love me dearly, and I them. With all this love I'll be back to full ranting in no time.

I'm going back upstairs now. I have many photographs of Amanda stuck to a full length sliding wardrobe door. I kiss a few of them before I go to bed, and when the sunrises and illuminates them with it's golden glow, I kiss her again. 'Good morning baby'. That's where I'm headed now, to give my lady a kiss goodnight.

Love to you all

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