2007 - 'Let's get Married'.....

This is just a little bit of a story about our wedding.....  Nothing more, nothing less.... I just wanted to write about our wedding.... I like to write about what we did together....

2007 went on to get better and better.  Whilst sitting on our friends narrow boat, slowly cruising along the canal from Fenny Compton back to Banbury, Amanda brought up marriage.  We then decided that's what we'd do!  We'd get married!  It wasn't the romantic gesture I had planned out in my mind, but most of our days were filled with so much love it didn't really matter.  'When shall we do it?'  'Well let's give people a bit of notice' she said.... It was the end of May, so we decided on the 1st September.  3 months is enough for anyone!  Surely people don't normally plan their lives that far in advance.  We were soon to find out it was only us that didn't really plan that far in advance.
Finding a suitable place was the main problem.  We wanted somewhere quaint.  Somewhere 'Ye Olde England' and somewhere affordable.  We wanted to pay for the entire gig ourselves (though in the end Mum & Dad refused to let us, but I think even they were surprised you could do an awesome wedding for less than £1,800).  Whilst out and about one day I stumbled upon a beautiful country pub called 'The Ben Johnson' in Weston on the Green, just outside Oxford.

I dropped in and got chatting to Toby the proprietor.  He was a bear of man.  Only in his early thirties, but keen as mustard to hold a wedding.  'Have you ever held a wedding reception Toby?'.  'Yes' he said with excitement in his eyes.  'We held one not so long ago... Just the one, but I'd love to hold another.'  His enthusiasm had me.  I brought Amanda to meet him, she loved him too.  The place was perfect.  We got to planning.  Next was where could we and would we be wed?  We chose Bicester Band Stand in the town of Bicester, Oxfordshire, a few miles from Weston on the Green.  An outdoor wedding!  Perfect!
Amanda set about finding a seamstress well versed in wedding dress construction.  Little did this lady know of Amanda's strict standards and impeccable attention to detail.  Had she known she'd have never taken the job.  Amanda designed her dress and told her exactly what she wanted.  Oh dear, this turned out to be such a palava.  Things seemed to keep going wrong, and the lady didn't seem to understand Amanda's needs.  But she got there eventually after many, many weeks of turmoil and hassle!

For music we hired a local band to play for an hour on the night and big bear Toby said we could sort out our own music for the day time, evening and night using an MP3 player connected up to The mighty Ben Johnson sound system.  Brilliant!
I texted everyone coming 'Please text two tunes you would love to hear during our wedding reception.  One for the afternoon and one for the dance floor'.  We had some rare selections, but only two declined.  Cliff Richard's Summer Holiday (what were you thinking Dad) and Steve O'Rourke's choice of Club Tropicana (no cheese please!).
Amanda's Mum was chief cake maker.  A talented woman!  This meant the cake would be travelling from the Isle of Man to Bicester!  A stressful time for Colleen.... Thank you again for such a beautiful cake x

The night before the big day friends and family from England, Scotland, Ireland and the Isle of Man got together for a drink or two.  I headed off early as I needed to write my speech and I'd promised Amanda I'd be in bed by midnight.  I literally didn't sleep a wink.  I rose the next morning, stood at the front door in my suit and looked at the dark looming clouds which filled the sky.  Would the rain hold off?  Whilst I tried not to be concerned with the dark sky Amanda was up at the salon drying and styling hair for the ladies of both families on her own wedding day....

Wedding Day Stylist....

Then Susie took over, sat her down and tended to her wedding hair, whilst Amanda sipped on a glass of champagne.  Amanda's hair looked absolutely beautiful.... Thank you Susie x









Amanda made it  very clear that on the day she wanted to marry 'me' as opposed to some tuxedo wearing fruit loop doing an impression of me.  She said if I wore a tie and didn't wear sandals it would be like marrying someone else.  I didn't need convincing.  Suit, fine looking open

Music.... Loss.... Carving.....

It's coming up to 1am.... I'm awake... Obviously.... I'm typing.
I've been listening to music.  Something I've avoided over recent months.  Music evokes such sweet bitter memories... Maybe just sweet memories....But they prove difficult and emotional to watch in my mind.  Is it greed, did I want more and more of these memories.... Of course.  Desire and attachment make me long for Amanda back by my side.  There needing me, there with me needing her... Each of our hands there to hold the other's.  Arms there to wrap and protect.  To squeeze and hold tight.  To love.

We loved open air gigs.... These were taken whilst
watching Doves at Delamere Forest.

Beautiful songs, lyrics and melodies fill my mind.  Constant reminders of our wonderful time together.  What more could anyone ask.  But yet I'm still filled with loss, regret and sadness.  How ungrateful can anyone be.  Some folk will never experience such love, laughter, joy,

It's November.... Already....

I photographed a chap who was open water swimming in Port Erin a couple of weeks ago.  I was ambling around the rocks trying to fill time... hoping to maybe a achieve something.  I saw a lady who I assumed was his wife, and wandered down to chat with her.  We got chatting, I spoke about Amanda, then the lady told me she was also diagnosed with breast cancer only 2 weeks before Amanda had her diagnosis.  Strange isn't it.  The line of coincidences that brought me to that spot to chat with that lady.  Her lump was half the size of Amanda's at 1cm.  She had no lymph node involvement whereas Amanda did have lymph node involvement.  Her cancer was Oestrogen and HER2 positive, the same as Amanda's.  She had a bad experience with Noble's hospital from the beginning to the end... and chose for her treatment to proceed in London.  She (like we did) checked all the hospitals in the UK for the best records, the most experienced or specialised clinics, and then hunted down one of the most knowledgeable breast cancer oncologists in the country.  He told her what we'd already read.  He believed from his study cases and experience that surgery may improve survival stats by  50-60%, chemotherapy 2-3% and Herceptin maybe 20%... The gap I assume comes down to what you do next, lifestyle, environment, emotional state.... and luck.

I met this lady for a long walk this week.... Apart from trying to throw herself over the cliffs between the Chasms and Port Erin along the coastal path it was a lovely walk (she slipped off a rock on to her bum then rolled on to her front and began to fall head first.  My words were 'Come here you' (strange I know) as I leapt to grab her ankle.  All faired well, though I'm sure she will be suffering some serious bruising on her bum!  Her oncologist Justin, is a bit special.  He is involved in developing treatments, rather than simply listening to what the pharmaceutical sales force tells him what the drugs are supposed to do and how to go about administering them.  His group 'Action Against Cancer' have discovered a related gene which can interfere with current treatment regimes.... But the current treatment regimes need to change anyway.... But this guy is also supportive and compassionate.... It doesn't feel like she's just another woman with breast cancer to him.  This in itself is hugely important.  It makes her feel like she can beat the cancer.  She feels supported emotionally.  It's great to find practitioners like this.

Here are some facts and figures from 2013 from the US based charity The National Cancer Coalition.... If you're not interested in facts and figures simply skip the next italisized paragraphs.....

BREAST CANCER STATISTICS: THE NUMBERS TELL A COMPELLING STORY

The trends for breast cancer incidence and mortality have not changed since NBCC issued its Baseline Report in 2011. The overall number of women being diagnosed continues to increase as the population ages, though the rate remains constant, and mortality continues to decline slightly.
Worldwide, breast cancer accounts for nearly a quarter of all cancers in women. In 2008, there were 1.4 million women diagnosed with breast cancer and in 2010 there were 438,000 deaths from the disease globally.2 In the United States in 2013, it is estimated that more than 296,000 women and 2,240 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer, and 39,620 women and 410 men will die of the disease. That is one death every 14 minutes.

By any standard, we have not made adequate progress. Despite years of campaigns to raise awareness, ever expanding screening programs, increased fundraising efforts and more research, there has been little impact on the important outcomes in breast cancer. Breast cancer incidence and mortality have not changed significantly. In 2030, with no major changes in prevention or treatment, it is estimated that 747,802 women will die from breast cancer worldwide. In the United States, the chance of a woman developing breast cancer during her lifetime has increased from about 1 in 11 in 1975 to 1 in 8 today. US breast cancer mortality has been declining but only slightly.
In 1991, in the United States, 119 women died of breast cancer every day. This year, that number is estimated to be 108. If we continue making progress at the current rate, it could take a few centuries to end breast cancer.

These are not merely statistics, they represent millions of lives. These losses are unacceptable.

Incidence
Overall incidence of breast cancer has fluctuated over the years. Recently, researchers at the National Cancer Institute (NCI) projected that the overall breast cancer incidence rate will stay the same through 2016. The median age at diagnosis remains at 61 years. Because of increased screening beginning in 1980, there has been a dramatic increase in the incidence of ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), abnormal cells contained within the milk ducts that have not spread to other parts of the body. Most of DCIS will never become cancer. However, we are not able to distinguish between the harmful kind of DCIS (that will develop into cancer) and the harmless kind; as a result, many women are treated with interventions that will not help them and could hurt them.5

Mortality & Survival
Despite fluctuations in breast cancer incidence, and dramatic increases in the use of mammography, there has only been a slow, gradual decrease in the rate of breast cancer deaths, or breast cancer mortality, over time.

Women do not die of primary breast cancer. More than 90% of breast cancer deaths are due to the spread of the disease to other parts of the body. While we want to believe we have made significant progress in saving lives, that is not the case. The incidence of women diagnosed with advanced breast cancer has not changed.

'If you want to commit time to really understanding where we are at globally with breast cancer please read the Breast Cancer Coalition's pdf, just scan over the figures from page 9 to 16 if there is too much. The above is from pages 9 and 10... If you would rather not, then please don't get bogged down in the reality of where we are at with it all.'http://www.breastcancerdeadline2020.org/assets/pdfs/2013-progress-report.pdf

I read through the beautiful cards I received after Amanda's passing every now and again..... I read one a few days ago, from a lady who lost her husband in a motorcycle accident, she is a great friend of us both.  She said I had a choice, and the best one was to acknowledge what has happened, dust myself off and get on with life.  Take up every invite I get as it will help me to get out and about.... and this is what I've tried to do.  

Every Saturday my wonderful brother and sister-in-law Tina have me around for a huge three course home cooked meal.  Jess (20) & Jim (14... hmmm maybe 15), Tina's lovely children are usually there too which adds more fun and mayhem to proceedings.  Thank you all so much for Saturday evenings.  I love them.

Then a friend invited me to join them on their 33 ft sailing boat on Sunday morning for a race from Douglas to Port Soderick and back.... It was beautiful, cool and refreshing!  

Whenever Cam suggests we get out for a spot of fishing I do my damndest to be enthused, but it's not always easy....

Last night I decided to head out in to the frosty darkness to try a few new techniques with my camera equipment.  I arrived at the Chasms Cafe in total darkness at 7.15pm.... Then began.  With slow shutter photography, where you aim to catch the movement of the earth, which is reflected in the star trails on the final image, you need to occupy yourself for a an hour or more whilst the camera sits there constantly recording the planet's movments via the pin prick trails of light......

I set up the camera and then settled in to a meditation.  I was well wrapped up, the temperature was down to a chilly 5 degrees by the time I packed up at 9pm.

My initial mediation was based on bringing a light focus to the out breath, then on keeping the mind clear.  Everytime a thought dropped in it would be acknowledged then let slide away..... I did this for the first exposure of 45 minutes.

The second exposure I decided to bring my focus on to mine and Amanda's travels, beginning at Thailand we we started our adventure.  I played through 30 days of travel in my mind, aiming to remember as much as I could.  The troubles, the smiles, the hassles and the love and laughter.  It was wonderful.  I even caught myself sitting cross legged with the tiniest, gentle smile as I meditated/reflected on our wonderful experiences.  It was silent at The Chasms.  Silent and dark.  Just the stars for company....

I will go there again and think about my love.... think about our love.... and hopefully smile again.

Pink Ribbons - Pleeeeeease no.....

Amanda did the Moonwalk, which was pink....but the whole Pink Ribbon thing is just aiming to bring a bit of 'pickness/fluffiness' to a brutal disease that is killing 10's of thousands of women every year. Plus much of the money doesn't even go towards helping these women even indirectly.... Same with Cancer 'bloody' Research.co.uk another fairly useless attempt at a cancer charity. There are literally loads of them out there, some really well established. Some which are merely business entities. There are a couple of decent ones out there. Action Against Cancer and The National Breast Cancer Coalition to name but two.... But there are so many where vast swathes of cash are invested badly. Like Cancer Research UKs British American Tobacco investment of £90 million, until it was found to be invested unethically. I know everyone doesn't have the time to investigate every 'charity' or 'research' company, but the Pink Ribbon does get the backs up of a lot of women who are actually suffering or have suffered from breast cancer. Rather than a pink ribbon, there should be a picture of woman who has just had a mastectomy, or a woman suffering throws of chemotherapy... Breast cancer is not pink nor is it pretty. I'm sure you can see where I'm coming from on this one.

The Bench....

 So I've had three full day letter carving lessons from Mr Simon Capelen. Local wood carver extraordinaire.

I've worked on pine (nice and soft - easy) and oak (tougher, harder wood - more difficult).... The Teak Root will be even harder, even more brittle and knotty, plus I won't be able to use a couple of G clamps to hold it in place.... and the surface is curved.... It's a challenge. I await my chisels to arrive... then I'll practise a little more, then I'll let loose on the bench. A few simple words from me, then a few words that would have meant something to Amanda.





I'm a little frightened of turning an 

already beautiful bench in to a scarified hunk of wood. I can guarantee whatever happens, however it looks, it will have been done with all the heart and soul.