It's coming up to 1am.... I'm awake... Obviously.... I'm typing.
I've been listening to music. Something I've avoided over recent months. Music evokes such sweet bitter memories... Maybe just sweet memories....But they prove difficult and emotional to watch in my mind. Is it greed, did I want more and more of these memories.... Of course. Desire and attachment make me long for Amanda back by my side. There needing me, there with me needing her... Each of our hands there to hold the other's. Arms there to wrap and protect. To squeeze and hold tight. To love.
Beautiful songs, lyrics and melodies fill my mind. Constant reminders of our wonderful time together. What more could anyone ask. But yet I'm still filled with loss, regret and sadness. How ungrateful can anyone be. Some folk will never experience such love, laughter, joy,
devotion and adventure. We were both incredibly lucky. But yet I still feel cheated that she didn't get to experience more years of love, joy, laughter and adventure. Sigh.....
I think about the Phillipines. Good lord. Thousands of of husbands, wives, mums, dads, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunties, uncles and friends have lost loved ones.... cherished souls torn from their arms over a matter of hours. Totally unexpected. Totally out of the blue. So sad.
I don't really understand why after thousands of years we don't deal with our and the immortality of loved ones better. I suppose the fact that death is a conversational taboo and the fact that we don't prepare for it on a personal basis here in the West. This is why it always seems to come as shock when it happens.... Even though we're all well aware that some day we will all die. We don't know when that will be. It could be tomorrow, a week from now, two weeks, a month, a year, a decade or 50 years.... We don't know. We're happy to push it to the side, we're content to ignore it. Note to self, explain to everyone if I die prematurely (or of old age) I do not want them grieving and wasting time over me when I'm no longer here, just remember me fondly. I'm ready for it whenever it comes. I don't fear it any longer. It's part of life.
This week I've spent many hours on our concrete garage floor. I've been carving Amanda's memorial bench. It's proved tricky. Spongy areas, brittle areas, areas that are just darn awkward and tight areas I just can't get an angle on my chisels. Knelt on the cold, concrete garage floor with my full weight on my chest leant against the edge of the upturned bench, carving words of love into the back support.... A true labour of love. It may look a tad rough by the end of it, much like the carver, but it will be full of my heart.
This week I've spoken to four different companies for various services. Each one I spoke to had a boss or business owner suffering cancer or recovering from cancer.... It's unbelievable how much cancer is out there. Another guy purchased an expensive photography book from me on Amazon. My good friend Steve packaged it up from Banbury. He didn't realise how expensive it was. When it arrived it was a bit battered. The chap and I had a brief discussion via email. He was disgruntled and angry. As I didn't realise how damaged the book was I probably wasn't as forthcoming as I could have been. The book was brand new when sent. I sent him another email and the conversation from his side was turning sour (understandably as he'd just spent £100 on a book that he wasn't satisfied with). I explained that maybe I wasn't seeing things as plainly as I usually would due to recent events and apologised (I said maybe I was being an arse), whereupon he replied, stating that he felt like an arse as he'd just took a look at the blog, and his wife had been recently diagnosed with cancer too. He went on to explain that he purchased the book because they were going to an exhibition of this particular photographer..... and it was for his wife's birthday. What would Amanda do I thought. 'Keep the book, I'll refund the money in full.' I said. He replied with, 'Wow, that's generous'. I replied, 'I want everything I do to be selfless. In doing this maybe the people who are touched by a show of selflessness will in turn become more selfless themselves. Who knows? I just know that there is more important things for us all.'
He didn't reply..... But a week or so later the book was returned in the post. He said it didn't seem right to keep it.
I remember Amanda once paying for a 12 month membership for a gym membership for an old friend of hers. A friend who was troubled emotionally and had become involved in a bad relationship. We didn't have a spare £600, but that was Amanda..... I loved that about her.
I may have already told that story.... It's 1.36am.... I'm tired.
Night all.
xxx
I've been listening to music. Something I've avoided over recent months. Music evokes such sweet bitter memories... Maybe just sweet memories....But they prove difficult and emotional to watch in my mind. Is it greed, did I want more and more of these memories.... Of course. Desire and attachment make me long for Amanda back by my side. There needing me, there with me needing her... Each of our hands there to hold the other's. Arms there to wrap and protect. To squeeze and hold tight. To love.
 |
| We loved open air gigs.... These were taken whilst watching Doves at Delamere Forest. |
Beautiful songs, lyrics and melodies fill my mind. Constant reminders of our wonderful time together. What more could anyone ask. But yet I'm still filled with loss, regret and sadness. How ungrateful can anyone be. Some folk will never experience such love, laughter, joy,
devotion and adventure. We were both incredibly lucky. But yet I still feel cheated that she didn't get to experience more years of love, joy, laughter and adventure. Sigh.....
I think about the Phillipines. Good lord. Thousands of of husbands, wives, mums, dads, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunties, uncles and friends have lost loved ones.... cherished souls torn from their arms over a matter of hours. Totally unexpected. Totally out of the blue. So sad.
I don't really understand why after thousands of years we don't deal with our and the immortality of loved ones better. I suppose the fact that death is a conversational taboo and the fact that we don't prepare for it on a personal basis here in the West. This is why it always seems to come as shock when it happens.... Even though we're all well aware that some day we will all die. We don't know when that will be. It could be tomorrow, a week from now, two weeks, a month, a year, a decade or 50 years.... We don't know. We're happy to push it to the side, we're content to ignore it. Note to self, explain to everyone if I die prematurely (or of old age) I do not want them grieving and wasting time over me when I'm no longer here, just remember me fondly. I'm ready for it whenever it comes. I don't fear it any longer. It's part of life.
This week I've spent many hours on our concrete garage floor. I've been carving Amanda's memorial bench. It's proved tricky. Spongy areas, brittle areas, areas that are just darn awkward and tight areas I just can't get an angle on my chisels. Knelt on the cold, concrete garage floor with my full weight on my chest leant against the edge of the upturned bench, carving words of love into the back support.... A true labour of love. It may look a tad rough by the end of it, much like the carver, but it will be full of my heart.
This week I've spoken to four different companies for various services. Each one I spoke to had a boss or business owner suffering cancer or recovering from cancer.... It's unbelievable how much cancer is out there. Another guy purchased an expensive photography book from me on Amazon. My good friend Steve packaged it up from Banbury. He didn't realise how expensive it was. When it arrived it was a bit battered. The chap and I had a brief discussion via email. He was disgruntled and angry. As I didn't realise how damaged the book was I probably wasn't as forthcoming as I could have been. The book was brand new when sent. I sent him another email and the conversation from his side was turning sour (understandably as he'd just spent £100 on a book that he wasn't satisfied with). I explained that maybe I wasn't seeing things as plainly as I usually would due to recent events and apologised (I said maybe I was being an arse), whereupon he replied, stating that he felt like an arse as he'd just took a look at the blog, and his wife had been recently diagnosed with cancer too. He went on to explain that he purchased the book because they were going to an exhibition of this particular photographer..... and it was for his wife's birthday. What would Amanda do I thought. 'Keep the book, I'll refund the money in full.' I said. He replied with, 'Wow, that's generous'. I replied, 'I want everything I do to be selfless. In doing this maybe the people who are touched by a show of selflessness will in turn become more selfless themselves. Who knows? I just know that there is more important things for us all.'
He didn't reply..... But a week or so later the book was returned in the post. He said it didn't seem right to keep it.
I remember Amanda once paying for a 12 month membership for a gym membership for an old friend of hers. A friend who was troubled emotionally and had become involved in a bad relationship. We didn't have a spare £600, but that was Amanda..... I loved that about her.
I may have already told that story.... It's 1.36am.... I'm tired.
Night all.
xxx
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