With Valentine's Day out of the way and the big smoke of Pune almost a distant memory I am now enjoy some deep mind time at Shankar Prasad, Yoga and Meditation Ashram in Gokarna.
This is the place we raised the money for at Amanda's funeral. It funded the children's natural playground and part of the development of the little pre schooL which is located on site.
I have been getting deep with guided visualisations through Yoga Nidra.
I am the third day in participating in a 5 day advanced Yoga Nidra course, which is all about getting deep with your subconscious or if not the subconscious, a place of stillness where the mind can help you apply your full focus on the things that you desire most. Yoga Nidra can be very useful in building self confidence and self esteem to addressing insomnia, phobias or emotional hang ups.
The guided Yoga Nidra nearly always encompasses a specific aim or desire, something you long or hope to have in your life. This could be from health for yourself, your family, wealth or success in your chosen role in life. You visualise a spirit guide to take you on your chosen type of Yoga Nidra. This can be someone or thing such as deity, a God, a famous person from the past whom you respect or/and love, or indeed a lost loved one.
Each day as you would expect my 'spirit' or subconscious guide tends to be (what I mean by this is 'always is') Amanda. She can also be represented by the emotions and memories that arise that i am trying to deal with. Either way I get to be with my beloved Amanda in my mind. Not just as a passing thought, but as single one point focus, deep visualisation, all whilst under a very relaxed meditative state.
One of the stages of Yoga Nidra is to visualise energy travelling through the single parts of the body, starting at the thumb of the right hand then working through the right hand side of the body, then the left, then the front and back.. This sensation or visualisation can be made easier through using various mental techniques. I like to imagine Amanda giving me a slow and gentle Thai Massage. It works perfectly. I can visualise (imagine) her smiling, massaging, whilst simultaneously commenting on the the Swami's guided Yoga Nidra as we she works through. It brings a contented smile to my face.
Inevitably at some point, as I lie there, due to the nature of Yoga Nidra, where you go mentally and Amanda no longer being here, tears well up and spill out from the corners of my eyes in to my hair. As I said, I feel this is an inevitable process due to the memories that are housed in my mind. Missing someone intensely, creates longing, a sense of loss, a sense of never again.
There are some wonderfully sensitive people here at Shankar Prasad in Gokarna. One such person is Marion. She is a German lady. She was lay on the mat next to mine during our second Yoga Nidra, she said afterwards she could feel an intense wave of sadness coming from me during the process. Later Marion spotted me sat alone, tucked up beside a big haystack, drying myself out. She brought me over a little purple flower, 'For an angel' she said. Very sweet indeed. Later that evening I was looking at my pictures of Amanda, and she came and sat beside me. She sat chatting with me, showing great empathy as I proceeded to put her through my full 'Amanda Photograph Album'. How kind of her to sit and allow me to share. I even got the impression she enjoyed it. Images full of love, laughter and fun. She had many questions which maintained my assumed level of interest. A truly lovely lady.
Another English lady who arrived yesterday for three days, told me about her own experience of loss. Just over twenty years ago she had been in a relationship for 3 years. During this time, she had gotten married, had a child and become a widow. Her daughter was only 15 months old when her husband headed out to work on his bicycle. That was the last time she spoke to him. He was knocked off his bicycle by a police car and died in hospital a few hours later. I wondered was this better or worse process of losing someone. I quickly realised there is no 'better' way to lose. This lovely lady never got to say goodbye forever, but nor did Robyn or I. Even with all the time I spent by Amanda's side caring and loving I never expected her to die. So we never said goodbye, she just slipped in to a non communicative state, then in to unconsciousness due to the river of morphine which was constantly being pumped in to her body. All of us who loved and cared for Amanda also had to watch her suffering much discomfort for many months. Maybe disappearing and having a quick exit from this dimension is the way forward for everyone. But I doubt it makes it any easier for those left behind. The same gaping explodes through the heart and soul and steadfastly remains by love lost. Slow death, fast death, this hole is no smaller, it's no shallower.
After today's third Yoga Nidra the lovely English lady approached me with an knowing and empathetic smile. I think she had a experienced a similar process today. Her spiritual guide and support coming from her deceased partner, her loss being the same. She told me you never forget and that there will always be a hole, but you learn to live with the loss. I think I knew this already. I don't ever want to forget, I don't think anyone who has loved fully and lost that love ever wants to let go of their beautiful memories. Amanda was such an influence on me I will always feel proud to quote her, and use her non judgmental behaviour, generosity and kindness as a perfect example of how to share and care for others, from family and friends to total strangers in need.
Today one of the younger students was upset by the way the Swami spoke to her. This lovely Israeli girl is aware of her own personal troubles, but wants to deal with them. To become a better human being. Like so many of us. But in this instance there seems to be a clash. Today I saw her leaving a class in tears. I left her for a few minutes then went and sat with her as she sobbed. She told me her troubles with the Swami. The Swami has a tendency at times to be a little regimental and domineering, but the girl has a also has a little rebel in her. This is where the clash arises I feel. She briefly disclosed some of her personal problems. I briefly ran through Amanda's life story, stating how the tragedy and suffering she experienced had turned her in to a determined, strong willed, love filled soul. I hope her story inspired this girl. I advised her not to run away, but to be strong and front up to the situation. Give it another 24 hours and see what happens. This is what she is doing. Hopefully it will work out. If not at least she has tried.
I have been helping in the kitchen with Sudha, the cook. Amanda loved Sudha, they were always giggling and smiling, neither one able to speak or understand the other's language. They managed to communicate through hand gestures and chalk drawings. They still talked to one another in their own languages it's difficult not to when trying to communicate. I'm doing the same thing with Sudha now.
Yesterday when I was working on the laptop, Sudha came and sat beside me. I brought up pictures from when we were here last year. Sudha took many photo's on her mobile of the images on the screen.... Then she wanted to see more and more. I of course happily obliged. She took mobile phone pictures of the photo's of our wedding, big smiley photo's of Amanda, all sorts of holiday shots. It was really sweet to see Sudha wanting these pictures of Amanda. Very touching.
It's good for me here. But in a few days I'll move on.
Love to you all.
xxx
This is the place we raised the money for at Amanda's funeral. It funded the children's natural playground and part of the development of the little pre schooL which is located on site.
I have been getting deep with guided visualisations through Yoga Nidra.
I am the third day in participating in a 5 day advanced Yoga Nidra course, which is all about getting deep with your subconscious or if not the subconscious, a place of stillness where the mind can help you apply your full focus on the things that you desire most. Yoga Nidra can be very useful in building self confidence and self esteem to addressing insomnia, phobias or emotional hang ups.
The guided Yoga Nidra nearly always encompasses a specific aim or desire, something you long or hope to have in your life. This could be from health for yourself, your family, wealth or success in your chosen role in life. You visualise a spirit guide to take you on your chosen type of Yoga Nidra. This can be someone or thing such as deity, a God, a famous person from the past whom you respect or/and love, or indeed a lost loved one.
Each day as you would expect my 'spirit' or subconscious guide tends to be (what I mean by this is 'always is') Amanda. She can also be represented by the emotions and memories that arise that i am trying to deal with. Either way I get to be with my beloved Amanda in my mind. Not just as a passing thought, but as single one point focus, deep visualisation, all whilst under a very relaxed meditative state.
One of the stages of Yoga Nidra is to visualise energy travelling through the single parts of the body, starting at the thumb of the right hand then working through the right hand side of the body, then the left, then the front and back.. This sensation or visualisation can be made easier through using various mental techniques. I like to imagine Amanda giving me a slow and gentle Thai Massage. It works perfectly. I can visualise (imagine) her smiling, massaging, whilst simultaneously commenting on the the Swami's guided Yoga Nidra as we she works through. It brings a contented smile to my face.
Inevitably at some point, as I lie there, due to the nature of Yoga Nidra, where you go mentally and Amanda no longer being here, tears well up and spill out from the corners of my eyes in to my hair. As I said, I feel this is an inevitable process due to the memories that are housed in my mind. Missing someone intensely, creates longing, a sense of loss, a sense of never again.
There are some wonderfully sensitive people here at Shankar Prasad in Gokarna. One such person is Marion. She is a German lady. She was lay on the mat next to mine during our second Yoga Nidra, she said afterwards she could feel an intense wave of sadness coming from me during the process. Later Marion spotted me sat alone, tucked up beside a big haystack, drying myself out. She brought me over a little purple flower, 'For an angel' she said. Very sweet indeed. Later that evening I was looking at my pictures of Amanda, and she came and sat beside me. She sat chatting with me, showing great empathy as I proceeded to put her through my full 'Amanda Photograph Album'. How kind of her to sit and allow me to share. I even got the impression she enjoyed it. Images full of love, laughter and fun. She had many questions which maintained my assumed level of interest. A truly lovely lady.
Another English lady who arrived yesterday for three days, told me about her own experience of loss. Just over twenty years ago she had been in a relationship for 3 years. During this time, she had gotten married, had a child and become a widow. Her daughter was only 15 months old when her husband headed out to work on his bicycle. That was the last time she spoke to him. He was knocked off his bicycle by a police car and died in hospital a few hours later. I wondered was this better or worse process of losing someone. I quickly realised there is no 'better' way to lose. This lovely lady never got to say goodbye forever, but nor did Robyn or I. Even with all the time I spent by Amanda's side caring and loving I never expected her to die. So we never said goodbye, she just slipped in to a non communicative state, then in to unconsciousness due to the river of morphine which was constantly being pumped in to her body. All of us who loved and cared for Amanda also had to watch her suffering much discomfort for many months. Maybe disappearing and having a quick exit from this dimension is the way forward for everyone. But I doubt it makes it any easier for those left behind. The same gaping explodes through the heart and soul and steadfastly remains by love lost. Slow death, fast death, this hole is no smaller, it's no shallower.
After today's third Yoga Nidra the lovely English lady approached me with an knowing and empathetic smile. I think she had a experienced a similar process today. Her spiritual guide and support coming from her deceased partner, her loss being the same. She told me you never forget and that there will always be a hole, but you learn to live with the loss. I think I knew this already. I don't ever want to forget, I don't think anyone who has loved fully and lost that love ever wants to let go of their beautiful memories. Amanda was such an influence on me I will always feel proud to quote her, and use her non judgmental behaviour, generosity and kindness as a perfect example of how to share and care for others, from family and friends to total strangers in need.
Today one of the younger students was upset by the way the Swami spoke to her. This lovely Israeli girl is aware of her own personal troubles, but wants to deal with them. To become a better human being. Like so many of us. But in this instance there seems to be a clash. Today I saw her leaving a class in tears. I left her for a few minutes then went and sat with her as she sobbed. She told me her troubles with the Swami. The Swami has a tendency at times to be a little regimental and domineering, but the girl has a also has a little rebel in her. This is where the clash arises I feel. She briefly disclosed some of her personal problems. I briefly ran through Amanda's life story, stating how the tragedy and suffering she experienced had turned her in to a determined, strong willed, love filled soul. I hope her story inspired this girl. I advised her not to run away, but to be strong and front up to the situation. Give it another 24 hours and see what happens. This is what she is doing. Hopefully it will work out. If not at least she has tried.
 |
| AMANDA & SWAMI-JI WHERE THE PLAYGROUND WILL BE. |
Yesterday when I was working on the laptop, Sudha came and sat beside me. I brought up pictures from when we were here last year. Sudha took many photo's on her mobile of the images on the screen.... Then she wanted to see more and more. I of course happily obliged. She took mobile phone pictures of the photo's of our wedding, big smiley photo's of Amanda, all sorts of holiday shots. It was really sweet to see Sudha wanting these pictures of Amanda. Very touching.
 |
| AMANDA & SUDHA |
It's good for me here. But in a few days I'll move on.
Love to you all.
xxx
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