More Questions & Dreams....

Why am I here in India? What am I doing? What's the point?

I have no real conclusive answer to any of these questions, they are just a hand full of questions I continue to pose to myself every quiet moment... Like when I lie my head down at night, or sip a chai during the day.

Tracking back over the places Amanda wanted to visit, places I wanted to be because she was there. She's not there now, but I still yearn to visit these places to simply feel her energy, a connection, just knowing they were places she sought answers, solace and peace. Places we shared troubles, smiles and love. Maybe it's as simple as that, maybe there are no answers. Maybe I'm just trying to find ways to continue my relationship with my wife, desperate to find her in physical places she no longer resides. 

Outdoor Shower at Nilitangham

But just maybe being in these places allows my memories to be more vivid, almost real, touchable, smell-able and taste-able. Maybe this journey is simply allowing me to process our last few months of freedom together. Again, I don't know.

Clearing the paths at Nilitangham.

I miss Amanda daily, even in my best efforts to immerse myself in an activity I have a great passion for such as photography, I still finish the day deflated.... However much of a positive spin I try to apply to gee myself up, Yes there is joy, it is there, it's just so inferior to what I used to know.

I think the fact I brought no fishing gear along with me suggested that this was to be more of a journey of discovery and self exploration than fun, adventure and joviality. I should have seen the signs when the fishing gear looked longingly at me as I pondered over whether it would accompany me on this trip or not. It was always the first thing to be packed in the past. It was what I would leave out to make room for the fishing gear, not the other way around. Clothes usually, that's what I usually left behind. For heaven's sake even Amanda built a promise in to her wedding vows that she would never stop me fishing.... She always yearned to have a passion for a hobby or interest like I had with my fishing. She never understood my obsession with sitting by water waiting patiently to see if any fish actually existed in the nearby wetness, but she always appreciated the passion I had for it. Where has that passion gone? Did it die with my wife? I had it before I knew her, and all the while we shared our lives together.... Can it just disappear? I don't think that passion has suddenly been transferred to another interest, as I just don't feel it in anything I do..... I get close with the photography, but much of the time I do it hoping it will please others in what they see. Fishing was just for me. Being at one with nature. Sitting patiently. Sitting still. Being fully present. Maybe this is where my true meditation always lay?

I was lying in bed an hour ago... It was only seven thirty, but sleep had evaded capture most of the previous night, and tonight my mind is racing, now it's 1.30am. I decided to meditate. Allow my mind to clear and become still, sat on my bed in the full lotus position, focused on slow, controlled continuous breathing. I then decided to carry out a Vipassana style meditation, a 'loving kindness' meditation. I focused on all those who loved Amanda, trying to empathise with their loss, trying to understand their sadness. I started with Robyn, then Colleen.... and that's as far as I got, because my focus shifted to the night Amanda passed away, and Colleen and I cried and held one another as we stood by her peacefully still body.... I started to cry, and my meditation was complete. I had no desire to continue....

I dreamed of Amanda a couple of nights ago, a long involved dream.....

I had been wearing my little elm ashes pendant on my wrist for a couple of weeks, as my little neck lace had perished due to the constant humidity. The day before yesterday I visited my friends at the Bamboo Centre in Auroville and sat with one of the ladies on the floor.  She was making bamboo trinkets. I asked her if she could find me some cord that I could use to make a new neck lace. Ten minutes later Amanda's ashes were hanging securely around my neck settled back against my heart.

That night was the night I dreamed about her.

Sadly it was all based around her final days and nights. It was all very real, but the location was different. We were in hospital rather than her sister's home.... It was sad to relive again... Everything was so vivid, so emotional, so real. I woke actually holding the pendant tightly in my hand. I felt very sad indeed. Dreams can have such impact. Having not had such a dream since Amanda passed away I forgot how much real emotion they can invoke.  Dreams can totally displace you again.

Amanda's time here with us all was special. So many of us learned from her in her latter years, so many respected her, some simply appreciated her physical beauty, some her emotional, generous, kind and non judgemental mind, most who knew her appreciated all these qualities

I constantlyI always think Amanda would have made a great old lady.... wise, witty and kind. Full of adventurous stories for her nieces and possible grandchildren, and maybe in previous lives she was, and maybe in future lives she will be again. I don't think any of us are being selfish wishing that she had been that wise, witty and kind old lady in this life, so we could witness, share and enjoy her words, stories, smiles and naughty little laugh. I'd do anything to see those big beautiful eyes with 80 year old wrinkles around them, her silvery hair tied up in a roll or bun and her gentle soul kindly smiling out on the world. We would be sharing a big pot of ginger tea whilst I read her a story from her chosen book of the moment..... I know this is not being present. Nor is it reminiscing.... This is simply known as dreaming.....