Still Travelling, Still Missing......

As I travel through India with Amanda in my heart and mind, resting my weary head in pokey little rooms where my little shrine of images are placed as soon as I'm settled, I continue to muse over the many questions regarding life and death.

I seem to feel more emotional whilst travelling between destinations, these emotions more often than not end up in tears. I think these travelling times were where we relied on one another. Our strengths and weaknesses covering one another. In addition to the support there was always the smiling eyes, laughter, talk and touch..... All with a woman who wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and me with her. I continue to remind myself how lucky we both were to find one another and to fight for one another from when we first met until 'death did us part.'

I'm still with Amanda, it's obvious to everyone I meet. I think that due to this relationship any girls who travel with me for a short time feel safe, one girl Gemma, thought Amanda was still with me. She thought I'd left her back in the UK.

I don't want to bore you with the focus on my feelings. They are unimportant, they are nothing compared to Amanda's life being cut short. I choose, well we all choose our feelings. To feel sad is a choice, it's not something forced upon us by a situation. It's in our minds. Most of us do not realise this simple fact of life. We only think negatively if we choose to do so, we can end up feeling depressed due to a loss of mental control, a loss of presence and awareness. It's up to us where we place our focus. I feel sad because I choose to feel sad. I often think of the great times that make me smile. That made us both really smile.

I continue to ponder the theories of destiny and reincarnation.

A few months ago I considered the suggestions which allude to our paths of destiny having already been mapped out. Not to say we have no real choices in life that allow us to determine our own path through life, rather we are on a wide track which travels through a dense forest, off this track there are many trails to choose from, these choices/paths determine what events we experience along our journey. This life starts with birth and ends with death.

But now I question this theory.

Why would our life expectancy increase steadily as it has over the years with more of us surviving child birth plus improvements in water quality and medical developments (surgery). Why would destiny a type of timeless 'magical' predetermination of all our lives allow itself to be influenced by human modernisation? Why would 'Destiny' adhere to the modernisation of human evolution? If 'Destiny' exists I would assume it is a more powerful force than everything invented or improved by humans? Do you see where I'm coming from?

I'm not sure we were set to be born and expire at a predetermined age according to the laws of destiny or 'The Gods'. The simple fact that we are tending to experience slightly longer lives muddles this theory for me.

Cancer, diabetes, stroke and various heart conditions seem to have replaced the old diseases that man managed to eradicate or at least control, such as small pox, typhoid and tuberculosis. Whilst cancer, diabetes and heart problems exist there will be a continued culling of the young and old.

I always end up thinking that somehow I could have saved Amanda, that she could still be here, laughing, smiling and being. But I'll never know, as I won't get the chance.

It will never matter that others believe we did all we could. Or the ones that believe she made the wrong choices, even though they know little of the actual results and failure of conventional treatment. The five percent success rate in certain cancers associated with chemotherapy could simply be down to genes, placebo effect, nutrition, mental disposition or something greater. Who knows? This could also be said for the alternative success rates.

Maybe this 'something greater' is 'Destiny'.

In all the years I knew Amanda I don't think I ever failed her. I saved her, protected her, loved her and nurtured her, as she did me. We made each another laugh, smile and cry. We brought joy to one another. Our intense love and commitment enhanced our lives.

Could I really have saved Amanda this time? I believe somehow I could..... Maybe this is something I need to work on. No matter what I believe, a chain of events conspired to take this beautiful woman away. No amount of grief or 'what ifs' will bring her back.

I truly hope there is something bigger and better after this life, or that reincarnation really occurs..... I don't have faith.... But I do have hope..... and while we have hope there is always a chance.

Travels are still difficult, I miss Amanda so much, but there's nothing I can actually do about this missing, this longing, this aching. I continue to experience the series of events we know as life. I aim to find enjoyment and peace, to give love and kindness where ever I can. That's it really.

www.completingourjourney.blogspot.com