I sit where ever I'm sat.... I look out the window where ever I am and I imagine Amanda sitting, walking or pottering. I can see her... It feels like she's there. I smile briefly then remember she is not here with me any longer, but for my heart and mind. Then the sadness cracks open my heart and mind, the fissure reaches deep in to belly and I feel lost without my wonderful, loving lady. I feel no where. And at times over recent months that's where I am physically as well as mentally, absolutely no where.
Don't get me wrong I smile I have fun I even try to make others smile, but the shallowness of these sensations cannot pierce the deep longing I have to hold my wife, to make her smile and laugh, to see her roll her eyes at me as I do something silly..... or something brave, courageous or kind to impress her....
Amanda has been gone a mere 8 months and 12 days.... It's a drop in the ocean of life, unless life is as short as Amanda's was of course, then it's more than a drop.... But it feels like a drop.
Her passing will always be as vivid as the weeks before her body gave up and the night her heart finally let her rest. These are heart wrenching memories we all share. Memories like these never fade.... But then I must remember neither will the memories Amanda and I created ourselves through choice. Our not so average everyday spent together. Our beautiful trips away on holiday together or with friends, our adventures travelling Asia.... Our love, our shared life. From the initial complexities of Amanda's life in her early thirties to a transition of peace, laughter and beauty. How beautiful our life became, how tragic our life became.
Oh Amanda how I love you so so much.
I've changed the music on the blog to a song called Mirrorball by Elbow. I used to think of Amanda when she was with me when I heard this song. It's meanings have changed, but it still applies to our lives, but just in a different way now.
I hope to find her one day.... In another life.... I can only hope.
Don't get me wrong I smile I have fun I even try to make others smile, but the shallowness of these sensations cannot pierce the deep longing I have to hold my wife, to make her smile and laugh, to see her roll her eyes at me as I do something silly..... or something brave, courageous or kind to impress her....
Amanda has been gone a mere 8 months and 12 days.... It's a drop in the ocean of life, unless life is as short as Amanda's was of course, then it's more than a drop.... But it feels like a drop.
Her passing will always be as vivid as the weeks before her body gave up and the night her heart finally let her rest. These are heart wrenching memories we all share. Memories like these never fade.... But then I must remember neither will the memories Amanda and I created ourselves through choice. Our not so average everyday spent together. Our beautiful trips away on holiday together or with friends, our adventures travelling Asia.... Our love, our shared life. From the initial complexities of Amanda's life in her early thirties to a transition of peace, laughter and beauty. How beautiful our life became, how tragic our life became.
Oh Amanda how I love you so so much.
I've changed the music on the blog to a song called Mirrorball by Elbow. I used to think of Amanda when she was with me when I heard this song. It's meanings have changed, but it still applies to our lives, but just in a different way now.
I hope to find her one day.... In another life.... I can only hope.
