I sit where ever I'm sat.... I look out the window where ever I am and I imagine Amanda sitting, walking or pottering. I can see her... It feels like she's there. I smile briefly then remember she is not here with me any longer, but for my heart and mind. Then the sadness cracks open my heart and mind, the fissure reaches deep in to belly and I feel lost without my wonderful, loving lady. I feel no where. And at times over recent months that's where I am physically as well as mentally, absolutely no where.
Don't get me wrong I smile I have fun I even try to make others smile, but the shallowness of these sensations cannot pierce the deep longing I have to hold my wife, to make her smile and laugh, to see her roll her eyes at me as I do something silly..... or something brave, courageous or kind to impress her....
Amanda has been gone a mere 8 months and 12 days.... It's a drop in the ocean of life, unless life is as short as Amanda's was of course, then it's more than a drop.... But it feels like a drop.
Her passing will always be as vivid as the weeks before her body gave up and the night her heart finally let her rest. These are heart wrenching memories we all share. Memories like these never fade.... But then I must remember neither will the memories Amanda and I created ourselves through choice. Our not so average everyday spent together. Our beautiful trips away on holiday together or with friends, our adventures travelling Asia.... Our love, our shared life. From the initial complexities of Amanda's life in her early thirties to a transition of peace, laughter and beauty. How beautiful our life became, how tragic our life became.
Oh Amanda how I love you so so much.
I've changed the music on the blog to a song called Mirrorball by Elbow. I used to think of Amanda when she was with me when I heard this song. It's meanings have changed, but it still applies to our lives, but just in a different way now.
I hope to find her one day.... In another life.... I can only hope.
Don't get me wrong I smile I have fun I even try to make others smile, but the shallowness of these sensations cannot pierce the deep longing I have to hold my wife, to make her smile and laugh, to see her roll her eyes at me as I do something silly..... or something brave, courageous or kind to impress her....
Amanda has been gone a mere 8 months and 12 days.... It's a drop in the ocean of life, unless life is as short as Amanda's was of course, then it's more than a drop.... But it feels like a drop.
Her passing will always be as vivid as the weeks before her body gave up and the night her heart finally let her rest. These are heart wrenching memories we all share. Memories like these never fade.... But then I must remember neither will the memories Amanda and I created ourselves through choice. Our not so average everyday spent together. Our beautiful trips away on holiday together or with friends, our adventures travelling Asia.... Our love, our shared life. From the initial complexities of Amanda's life in her early thirties to a transition of peace, laughter and beauty. How beautiful our life became, how tragic our life became.
Oh Amanda how I love you so so much.
I've changed the music on the blog to a song called Mirrorball by Elbow. I used to think of Amanda when she was with me when I heard this song. It's meanings have changed, but it still applies to our lives, but just in a different way now.
I hope to find her one day.... In another life.... I can only hope.
What a beautiful blog Mark. Amanda would of been very proud & although I didn't know her I feel it in my heart.
ReplyDeleteI was wondering how your were getting on with your healing journey & I do hope you find answers to your questions along the way.
Warm Regards,
Nicky
Hi Nicky....
DeleteMy healing journey hasn't really been that healing... But it has kept me occupied, kept me living the present between the bouts of sadness and loneliness. It's a great adventure this life, and to not embrace it at every opportunity is a huge waste. I know this, and I'm trying so hard. Allowing my emotions to be seems to help. When I need to cry I cry. As I write this I have a little laminate picture of Amanda hooked over my laptop screen. The picture makes me smile... But it also reminds me that she is no longer walking among us. I'm not sure if you've read the travel blog, www.completingourjourney.blogspot.com but it tells what I've been up to.
Hope life is good on the Isle of Man Nicky.
Keep well.
Mark.
x
Hi Mark,
DeleteBless you. You will always miss, cherish & love Amanda as she is your soulmate. (She will forever be in your heart).
I wanted to say I think you are very brave writing a blog about grief & your journey as it is such a difficult subject to approach. Your writing is very touching & there is no one way that people deal with grief.
You are right by not holding back your emotions, let them all out & don't be afraid because you will feel different every day. One minute you might feel sad, then you might feel happy, it's such a roller coaster ride.
I will have a read of your travel blog & pass the details onto my good friend Sam Chambers as I know she would also be interested.
Although Amanda isn't here walking among us, she is always with you in spirit too.
I'm still on my health journey, I just try & approach things a day at a time.
Take care,
Nicky x
When I say you might feel sad one minute & happy the next I mean happy because of all the cherished memories & because of the precious time you got to spend together.
DeleteThanks Nicky.... Everything you say is true... It's learning to appreciate how lucky we both were to have one another and share the experiences we had up and over the dwelling on how short Amanda's life was in comparison to the national average of around 82 years for a woman in the UK. How much of this life would have been quality at this age is obviously unknown.... But my dear Amanda only saw half those years.... That's what hurts, she had so much more to give and so much more to experience....
DeleteKeep healing Nicky, form healthy habits for a great future x
Hi Mark,
ReplyDeleteReading your last reply just puts everything life into perspective. It's not about the fancy gadgets, cars or money it's the precious moments we cherish.
I hope that I can offer you a little bit of comfort by saying that your blog is helping me with my recovery & I feel inspired by reading about your travels & honesty about your relationship & love for Amanda. (I totally understand why you do what you do).
I told my mum today that I am really enjoying your blog & in the future I might like to take an online writing course myself. (My mum has always thought I would make a great writer but I have never done anything about it really).
Thank you, I do find it hard trying to maintain a daily routine because my energy levels are all over the place but I do try. ME is a very misunderstood illness & it's been 5 years now but I believe I am on this journey for a reason.............
Luckily I have an amazing family & boyfriend so I feel blessed because I wouldn't of come this far without them.
Please keep the good work up, oh & if you are doing the Parish me & my mum will sponsor you.
Take care,
Nicky x
Thanks Nicky, I'm glad my writing is helping.... I'm pleased it helps people open and see true love for what it is too. ME is a tough one Nicky. Keep going and keep trying that's all you can ever do.
ReplyDeleteI won't be back for the Parish Walk, I'm still in Alaska, having gone back to India and then on to Nepal (www.completingourjourney.blogspot.com), I am however participating in the End to End. Keep well.
Mark.
x
Hi Mark,
ReplyDeleteFinally got round to replying!, sorry for the delay, I relapsed but I'm doing ok now:@)
Your blog is very inspiring so keep it up!, I saw your article in Manx Tales one day too & was wondering how you were getting on & there you were. It was lovely to read.
I agree, it is a tough one as you look well when you have ME so people can't really understand it & you also run off your Adrenals so you look like you have loads of energy but really you are on an Adrenal rush!
I think Nature is a great healer, spending time in the peace & quiet seems to help me & I've started Earthing regulary too which can help replace lost minerals especially if you go in the sea & paddle. Ayurvedic principles & lot's of Meditation also help!
When is the End to End?
My mum already donated to hospice but I can sponsor you for the End to End.
Nicky
x
Hi Nicky, glad to hear you're back firing on all cylinders and using Mother Nature to assist in the process. The End to End is next Sunday, no need to sponsor me. I'm just doing it for the challenge, thank you so much for the kind offer though. It's much appreciated.
DeleteMark.
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