Has
this bout of travelling helped soften the pain suffered by beautiful
Amanda being taken so early in her life by cancer? No. No
it hasn't. My faith in the kindness of human beings as a whole
has been bolstered. It wasn't restored as I'd never believed
anything different.
I
just want Amanda to be here with me enjoying herself. Enjoying life.
She had reached such a happy content point in her journey. She
was so full of love and kindness, she'd reached a place where at long
last she felt truly happy. This had taken time and effort on
her behalf. Choosing to be with someone who loved her unconditionally helped.
I
continue to read spiritual books. Maybe they help. Maybe
they don't. But I know one thing for certain, Amanda would have had me reading them.
She had me reading them to her at night. She also wanted me to enjoy them, to be open to their prose. I was. And I
am. I do enjoy this type of literature.
Sometimes I feel they hint toward leaving the past behind.
Forgetting about the past. Or at least letting it go.... I
suppose it's letting it go, rather than forgetting about it.
Learning to control attachment to the past. Which is
probably wise. It's wise but I fight it. I am attached to
the past. I am still attached to Amanda, to my love, my best
friend, my wife.
I
continue to aim towards living in the here and now. Being
present to what is on offer and what I can give back. I
practice this rigorously. But my longing to be with Amanda
still lingers deep in my heart and soul.
When
we did experience difficult times she often talked about 'setting me
free'. It used to annoy me. I'd tell her it wasn't her
choice to keep or free me. I loved her it was my choice to be there with her. My romantic
shackles were self selected. They fitted well and I loved them.
I never felt trapped or encumbered by our
relationship. I loved it.... As I type this post at 9.15pm in
Homer Alaska, a beautiful huge bald headed eagle glides past the
patio window set against the back drop of a deep blue sky and snow
capped mountains. Sounds good doesn't it. A few years ago
it would have blown my mind.
Without
the 'sharing' part, it's just something I see, register and share with you.
I
will return to the Isle of Man for the anniversary of
Amanda's passing. I long for her to be here, as we all do. Robyn her daughter, her family and friends..... We all long for Amanda's cheeky
smile to light up the room, or her ever 'willing to listen' ears to
be there to share our emotions and feelings. We can still do
this. I do.
I don't want to focus on the date that Amanda's life ended. I would rather have my focus placed on her birthday or our anniversary.... But even these dates are just dates.... I suppose what I am doing is selecting certain days to acknowledge the great times we shared, but I do that every day in my head. I suppose there's no protocol as to how we celebrate Amanda's time with us.... So with that in mind I'll just roll with it.
I
go on wandering and wondering, as do we all.
Love.
x
