Peace...

Yesterday evening saw Amanda's breathing take on a sound not unlike someone blowing and sucking down a straw placed amongst melting ice cubes in the bottom of glass, but only louder... far louder.  It was so difficult to listen to.  It sounded so uncomfortable, but she wasn't struggling with it.... Though I knew she was slipping further away from us.  Everyone felt it.
Amanda's Mum Colleen ensured that tonight it would just be my beautiful wife and I alone together.  Uninterrupted.  She know.  I built my bed to the height of Amanda's with pillows to lie as close to her as I could.  I chatted for hours about what we'd achieved over the years.  About how she had changed me for the better.  Brought calm to my life.  I told her how beautifully she had blossomed over the years, just when I thought her mind could become no purer and loving once again she would soar.  Her beauty seemed to increase year on year.  We shared earphones and listened to
some old favourite songs.  Her rattling breaths filled the room.  I spoke louder to ensure she I could hear over the respirations how much love I held for her.  How I was ready to let go.  I shared a meditation with her, guiding her down a set of 10 steps in to warm light filled water, where her entire body could be immersed and breathing would still be free....   I told Amanda that Robyn was also ready to let her go, to be free, and that Rob would not be coming to see her again, that she had said her goodbyes.  I passed on Robyn's deep love for her Mum and told her that Rob had found the sound of the liquid rattling within her Mum's chest unbearable and frightening.  I shared with Amanda that Robyn had just received her exam results and achieved a 2.1 in the first year of her course.  Amanda would be so proud.  I told her we would all take care of Robyn, that she would be safe.  I told her she was free, she was love, she was peace.  That soon she would be boundless.
I cried.  Her breathing became strained over the coming minutes, I held my face against hers, the crackling of her breath filling my ears.  I wept silently.  One hand stroked her head, one hand rested on her chest, her heart beating contentedly amidst the vibrations of the bubbling liquid.  Then it happened.... I won't go in to it.  It's too painful.  But at 2am her heart stopped beating right beneath my hand.  I moved around to hold her, to meet her eyes to tell her not to be afraid, to let go.  She did.  As her spirit left her body a huge black hole appeared within me.  I tidied and wiped my wife's mouth.  I drew her eyes closed.  She really did look at peace.  Not a medication induced stupor, real peace.  I got Colleen.  We stood hugging and sobbing at Amanda's bedside.  Sally and Jane went in next followed later by her Aunty Linda.  I went and climbed in to bed with Robyn, pulling her in to my chest, holding her hand.  I broke the news.  We both fell apart.  The sadness and pain unrivalled in my own experience.
Jane plaited her sisters hair, and the rest of the ladies made her look as pretty as she ever looked.
Once the Doctor had been out to conduct the formalities an hour or so later I laid back down with my wife.  No longer was I unable to hold her close due to the excrutiating pain she was suffering.  She was free now.  I pulled myself in close, pushing her cheek in to my eye.  I lay with her until midday.  Cuddled loving and sobbing.  Jane, Sal and Coll coming in to show support even though they were too  immersed in their own loss and pain.  Thank you my lovelies.  When the first morning text message sounded I jumped to grab it so as it would not wake Amanda..... I realised what I'd done and wept again.  Messages bounced through my mobile and filled Facebook pages.  The love out there for Amanda is incredible.  I didn't want to give up her pretty little shell to the undertakers.... I just wanted to live nestled in her her beautiful face forever.  By now she was cold, but still so so beautiful.  I cried at the lies I had told her.  I didn't really want her to go..... I needed her here with me.  I conned her.  I do realise she needed to be free from the strain her physical body was putting on her, I knew I had to let her go.  I am happy to have been with her when she embarked on her journey, but I am struggling to cope with seeing her leave.... Feeling her heart stop under the palm of my hand, seeing the spark disappear from my best friends eyes.  I hope she could see me, I hope she knew I was there.  Now I need to make sure everyone else is coping, especially Rob.  We all need to do a lot more crying.  I can't seem to stop.  I'm glad I didn't shave my moustache and beard as there would have been a very good chance of my drowning in mucous and tears.
One of the healers sent me a message which said 'Amanda says she can now throw her head back and laugh, I assume that means something to you?'  of course I cried some more.  Another friend said they felt a rush of blue energy at the time she passed, and it enhanced her belief that there was so much more to this universe.
I can hear my Mum sobbing in the kitchen.... Everyone tells me to be strong.... But no one can be strong at the loss of such a wonderful being as Amanda.  We will all try, because that's what she wants.  That's what she told us all.

I don't feel this loss will ever repair.  My love for Amanda and hers for me was so intense.  We really did live our lives together.  We shared everything.  There were never any secrets, we made sure of that... There was never any need.  I ache.  We all ache.

Thank you all so much for your kind messages of love and support.  You all have my love and support whilst coping with your own personal loss of this incredible woman.

Amanda would be disappointed with such sombreness, but I hope she can understand it that it is linked to a sense of loss and love.  The loss of the greatest person, which lead to the greatest experiences to have ever occurred in my life.  I will never be without you Amanda.  I know that.  I love you and miss you.  Enjoy your journey sweet one x

Simply Beautiful......