Maybe the Final Post....

In fear of the blog becoming something we had never intended it to be, sounding like a deeply sad broken record that no longer updates you about how Amanda is getting on I think this may be the last post.  I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear me 'moaning' on about how I feel inside, about the deep irreparable ache in my heart.... and the hearts of everyone who loved Amanda.  I wake each morning look at the photographs I have mounted on the wardrobe, 'I have a brief few words' and a little morning kiss.... I do the same in the evening before I go to bed... It no doubt sounds insane to those who are yet to experience loss in their lives, but it's working for me.  I continue to read books which are aimed at coping with loss, with grieving, with understanding death as part of life..... I try to be realistic and pragmatic amidst the
waves of emotion.  I've never asked 'Why Amanda?'.  Life is totally unpredictable, none of us know when this life ends for us, are friends or family, and then what happens afterwards.  I'm rooting for the 'Many Lives' option, where our souls return in to a new born body so we can continue to learn....  This was never my way of thinking in the past.  But the loss of someone so cherished can change how we think.  We need to be able to adapt and continue.  A life without love, a life without enjoyment is a mere existence.

I have options, as we all do.  Remain in bed and focus on what has been removed from my life.  That ocean of love and positivity that filled my life.  I could focus on the positive being removed, therefore letting negativity take over my body and mind.  This morning that was tempting.  I stayed put until 9.15am.  That's a big 'lie in' for me.  I aim to rise between 7.30am and 8am each day.... This morning I meditated.  Meditation has helped.  Friends have helped.  Family have helped.  Not necessarily what they say, for what can they say that can help?  Just by being there, being generous with their time and love has helped.  Support in that time of need, and of course understanding.
Torrents of cliches surround death.... Surround how we understand and how we aim to cope with continuing our remaining time here on earth.  When I hear it said 'people cope in their own way' or 'people deal with it in different ways' I somehow feel this is wrong.  Mainly from what Amanda experienced over the years and from what I'm trying to do now. I'm trying to immerse myself in getting/feeling better within my own heart and mind.  From reading books by people who have actually dealt with their losses head on or from people who have studied those who have suffered incredible loss in their lives.  Just being with Amanda helped me.  Knowing someone so deeply and intently.  Understanding what she wanted from life which was a clarity and understanding of her own mind.  She wanted to understand why such little things could lodge inside the recesses of the human mind and remain there, stuck to bother, niggle or haunt depending on the severity of the experience.  She wanted peace of mind, love in her heart and compassionate understanding for everyone.  Someone recently stated Amanda had become 'boring' over her latter years.  This wasn't meant in a derogatory way.  This was merely a perception based around the fact that Amanda had decided she didn't really like to get silly drunk any more.  Rather than aiming to lose control of her mind and then as a by product do or say embarrassing things, which we seem to have some sort of pride in here in Britain, Amanda would instead choose to have a glass or two of wine and remain in control of her mind (obviously when she was diagnosed she gave up the drink, due to the very heavy positive correlation between alcohol and breast cancer figures in women).  My beautiful Amanda was far from boring.  She was being remembered in this persons memory as an Amanda who loved to drink and party, escape her mind and inhibitions, does that really make us more fun/exciting, or does it simply make us more socially acceptable here in Britain, less of a challenge to get on with.  I think when we choose not to 'drink' in favour of retaining our mindset, those around us who continue to 'drink' heavily begin to feel judged.  But that need not be the case, everyone makes their own choices based on their own personalities and understanding of certain circumstances. Amanda was Mrs Non-Judgement, and this had come from her own learnings and experiences.  She knew we could not judge anyone for we know not how they ended up on the path they had now followed.  Amanda just continued to observe who she was, and to grow her personality.... She was allowing herself to grow in to whom she'd ached to be.  This was just herself.  She was understanding herself, accepting herself and beginning to love herself... ridding herself of the low self esteem and anxiety that had been beaten in to her through her previous relationship.  Amanda was flourishing.
Amanda said on many occasions she never feared death, only leaving the ones she loved behind.  Not being there to see Robyn go from university student to adulthood.  Not being there for those big decisions during her womanhood.  Not being there to share a life full of continued love, laughter and adventure with her husband.... She didn't think she was going to die, but if she had it held no fear. For she had an absolute faith that there was more.

'How are you doing?'.... It's a standard opener everywhere in Britain, it's like 'hello' really.  May be it would be better to just say 'hello', unless there is true meaning behind those simple words .  Each time I'm asked, 'How are you doing?'  it makes me think how am I actually doing..... The answer is I miss Amanda as much as I did when she passed away 14 weeks ago (seems like yesterday and so long ago simultaneously, time has become warped).... and in my heart I now know the missing will never leave.  I will always miss this wonderfully special woman throughout this life.... But I've decided to choose what I'd have wanted for Amanda had it been the other way around.  I'd have wished for her to use what she had learned over all the years to deal with the loss, then continue life, pursue her dreams freely and without guilt, share the intense love we had shared with others who could appreciate it, those who were still alive.  Start off with friends and family.... and then in time with an open heart and understanding share a similar love with someone who could hold her tight, someone who could take her hand and care for her in the way I did...... I would not have wanted her life to end upon this earth because mine had.... There is so much to be experienced with an open heart.  But without that open heart we close ourselves off from any opportunity of happiness and joy.  We literally choose misery, and it is a choice.  We hang on to the loss for as deeply and long as we can.  Why?  I don't know.... Guilt?  Fear of judgement?  Fear of life?  It's not just the missing and longing for the loved ones passing.  There's so much more to it than that.  But we only find that out when we involve ourselves with observing and understanding our own thoughts and emotions, and for most this is an exercise that will never come about.
Recently I've tried to immerse myself back in to social society (my little yoga classes helped keep a foot in the door) by going out for a social drink with a great friend.  The bubbling atmosphere of busy pubs is surprisingly quite pleasant.  Seeing people smiling and chatting is enjoyable.  Kevin and I chat, and laugh which is good.... Smiling and laughing is a joy.... Though when it happens I worry onlookers who know of my loss, judging me for being able to smile or laugh.... 'He should be curled up sobbing, shaking, falling apart in his bedroom'.  Amanda loved that I wasn't usually bothered by the judgement of others.  But the loss of my wife is huge and this time it gets under my skin.  Mainly because no one knows what is going on in my heart and mind the other 23.8 hours of the day....They see me laugh at a comment made by a friend, a laugh that might last 5 seconds then wane to a smile over the next 10.... then gone.... But how can I expect them to know?  Plus it is no ones responsibility to understand my emotions, it is my responsibility to understand that everyone will not understand my situation and that many will not understand their own emotions relating to my situation.  We can only show compassion, empathy and love to everyone who crosses our path.  I aim to take Amanda's path of non judgement, which takes some learning.  But her heart was far more gentle than mine, she was a more understanding soul.  Before and since Amanda's passing, I have at times been like the proverbial 'bull in a china shop'.  I needed to learn diplomacy in my choice of words.... Things have changed over recent weeks.  I try to be more considered.  For those that my sharp tongue has hurt or my writing hand has saddened I apologise from the bottom of my heart.  I hold absolutely no anger towards anyone any longer, and this feels truly liberating.  Where I have been judged I have forgiven from the very bottom of my heart.  Where I have reacted with anger or venom I too hope for forgiveness.  I also work toward forgiving myself.  This will take longer.  I learned that from Amanda.

Time is a great healer.....
There it is... How many times have I heard this, has Robyn, Sisters, Mother, Aunty and friends heard this?  I'm not sure it's that time is a healer.  I think it's our minds that allows us to deal with the loss, and that's where acceptance and choice come in.... I thought maybe this saying should be changed to 'Grey matter is a great healer' as it's how we deal with the loss, where we choose to place our focus on the memories of Amanda that will allow us to heal.... I still have some (too much) focus on Amanda's last 6 months.... and some of this will remain deep in my heart.  Not only where my understanding didn't meet hers, or hers mine, but the times that were just so full of unconditional love.
At one point I was accused of romanticising Amanda's passing.  I didn't feel that was the case at all.  That certainly wasn't my intention.... I was devastated by this.  But the fact there was so much love between us meant that there was an element of romance that I hadn't even realised.  Not until I read a blog by another husband who'd also lost his wife to cancer.  He mentioned in his blog about the romanticism that could be felt within his writing....  Love, loss and death will always be inextricably linked.  They are all one.  They are all part of life.
I never want my memories of Amanda to fade... and I know they won't.  The day I met her almost 18 years ago is as fresh a memory as what I had for breakfast this morning (which was quinoa porridge with grated apple, cinnamon and sprinkling of blitzed seeds for those of you interested in my dietary style!  ;-)  and I'm so  happy about that.  I will continue to meditate on our beautiful times.

This week I ran with Amanda.  Eh?  Yep, I ran with her. I got on a treadmill and ran for 30 minutes.  I focussed my mind and imagined we were doing our Coast 2 Coast training run.  It was a 5 mile run along a circular footpath over crop and cow filled fields between Hornton and Horley villages near Banbury.  We loved that walk/run.  I imagined Amanda wearing her little, tight, black Skinz leggings with her shorts over the top.  When she didn't wear the shorts I found her bum too distracting.  She had a blue under-layer on and a coral coloured outer jacket.  At some point in the first two minutes the jacket would always come off.  I'd end up carrying the water she used to drown herself with, when the heat became too much.  Her little body was still learning to sweat.  When we'd reach down hill sections Amanda would kick her heels up and run totally out of control to the bottom of the field like a crazy rag doll, I'd hold back due to the uneven ground and my slightly dodgy ankle.  She'd wait at the style.  We ran for half an hour.  It was lovely.

Christmas is coming.... Will this be an unbearable time?  For me?  No, I don't think so.  I don't see how I can miss Amanda any more than I do now.  We spent as much time with each other during the rest of the year as we did at Christmas.... Just at Christmas we had a decorated tree in the house.... and gave and received presents.... Who knows though, I could be wrong....

On Thursday morning as I headed out of the bedroom I had a brief chat with Amanda's picture.  Asking her help me find an amazing image around the stormy sea in Peel.  The winds were touching 90mph on higher exposed areas.  That afternoon I returned with my most popular image to date.  It was focused on a memorial bench with a crashing wave.  It's since had over 10,000 views, over double that of any other image I've posted.... It's also sold quite a few prints and couple of canvases too!  You can see and read about it in the link below https://www.facebook.com/MarkBoydPhotography/posts/223600204480424

For all of you that still read this blog.... All I can say to you is that Amanda wouldn't want us all to be feeling heart filled loss and sadness, and we should all try to overcome our grief.  Read or reach out and ask for professional help from a grief counsellor (sometimes this is the only way to get through), spend time with those we love and love us.  We can all cherish the wonderful woman you knew as AJ, Amanda, Mum, Daughter, Niece or Friend in our hearts, holding on to warm memories, taking on board the things she said that touched or guided you, or when she simply made you smile or laugh.... Or roll your eyes!  I know I continue to accumulate many more prints of Amanda and no doubt I'll continue to do so.  Our wedding rings remain firmly on my fingers.  Amanda's rings on the only finger they'll fit, the little finger of my right hand.
I've almost finished the photograph albums and I've also finished engraving the bench..... I think.  Once I've definitely finished I'll pop some pics up.
I received a call yesterday from the farmer at The Sound, who was unfortunately unable to accommodate Amanda's little bench on the agricultural land, so it may have to be The Sloc.  I'll keep looking for somewhere more accessible in the mean time.....

Thanks for all your support over the recent months.
I'll keep our FB page going with little health fixes and things Amanda thought would help everyone deal with life on our hectic planet.  Of course you can just ignore these little pointers, but maybe once in a while, click and read.  Nutrition, meditation, science and healing.... and joy and happiness....

Keep the love.

Mark.

xxx