Christmas & New Year....

For most this is a truly wonderful time of year.... But for many it's a time where loneliness creates a deep, deep pit, the fact that it's a baubel and tinsel filled pit adds no joyous merriment for these sorrow filled souls.

Every day there is an overwhelming sense of a huge part of my being missing, but Christmas Day really did turn the knife.  At 10am (way after Santa had been around the houses) I got in to my car and set about driving to one of mine and Amanda's favourite haunts. As I drove a soft welling of emotion just below my solar plexus caused me to weep gently. The empty roads were a misty blur.. After driving here and there I was finally lead to 'The Sound' (Lands End of Mann) where Amanda's bench is to be placed, over looking the rugged sea swept coastline.  Here the light drizzle of tears turned in to a torrential downpour, with a cold front of heavy shoulder shaking thrown in for good measure.  I stood in the wind staring at the waves, I sobbed and sobbed.  Then I turned and walked back towards my car and drove home. I pulled up outside the house checked the rear view mirror for the state of my eyes (I was wearing no mascara or eye liner, so neither had run), then headed in. I spent the day with my family, chatting, eating smiling. I made a Christmas Candle Wreath for Amanda's place at the table. I tousled her favourite red and gold silk scarf around the wreath.  It was lovely.  

Once darkness fell and the stars were visibly twinkling in the night sky for the first time in over 10 days, I headed to an old derelict cafe on a nearby headland located on the South of the island.  The air was cold, clear and breezy.  I brought my camera equipment along to keep me company.  I took two 45 minute exposures of the star filled sky.... Whilst I thought about
my darling Amanda and how much she loved to dream at the stars.

I remembered very vividly whilst lying with Amanda on the hospital bed in hospice, back in March, that there was an episode of the BBC show 'Horizon', with Professor Brian Cox.  Prof Cox, in the UK, is everyone's favourite astrophysicist. The show was all about nebulas and the birth and collapse of stars, and how we as humans all came from the stars.... I still remember Amanda's eyes lighting up, full of joy.  She was so pleased.  She looked at me as said excitedly, 'I knew we came from the stars.' Prof Brian Cox had made her evening..... He had also made mine, seeing such a beautiful content little creature snuggled against my shoulder. Wow, how I miss her.... There is always a gentle ache.... Maybe there always will be. I don't have any desire to for it to leave.

I hear people using the phrase 'to move on'. I have no intentions of 'moving on' from Amanda, though I do intend to move forward, with Amanda in my heart, with everything I learned from her in my mind. We will be inextricably linked for eternity. I really do feel that. This in itself pleases me. I suppose it's comparable to the sensation of faith that those of religious beliefs feel within their heart. Something I never fully understood in the past.

Today is New Year's Eve.... Or as I know it Tuesday.... Or the day before tomorrow.... or my 14,144th day alive on this planet. I think some feel that once the calendar changes everything in their life changes, they can say goodbye to any losses or discomforts they suffered during the previous 356 days. But as we all know that's not how it works. Love lost is still lost, New Years Day is just a Wednesday, a tomorrow, a today or a yesterday..... All emotions remain as they were. The new calendar hanging on the wall doesn't change this, the name of the day, month or numerical representation of the year does not change this. Only we can change what we feel.

I read the musings of others as they 'say good riddance to 2013'. 'A horrible year' etc etc. Roll on 2014... and so on. For many 2013 was a wonderful year.... For Amanda's family, for my family for all her friends, it certainly hasn't felt like a good year. I know everyone is hurting, but I know for many of you out there amazing things still happened during 2013..... it's remembering these wonderful, beautiful things along with the loss of our beautiful friend, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Aunty, Niece and Wife.... Good things have happened this year, but every joy we feel is tainted by the huge void created by the passing of this wonderful woman.

I try to remind myself that maybe there is a path of destiny for us all. May be we have a predisposed start and finish here on earth.... and that its what we do and experience between the beginning and the end that is important.... Things like how we interact with others, how much love, compassion and empathy we feel, how much emotional and physical pain we endure, how we develop emotionally and mentally along this journey we know as life. Maybe we reach a point with our growth where we feel relatively comfortable, secure and safe even in the knowledge of our final days. Of course no one wants to leave behind their loved ones.... It can be hard enough leaving them behind for a day or two at times. But that is not want I'm saying here.... It comes back around to faith. I continue to reflect on Amanda's faith, and how beautiful it was.... How certain it was. This somehow allows my heart a little respite from time to time.

So tomorrow is 'New Year's Day'.... What can I say but how I feel.... I will reduce the 'calender affect' by unlimiting my good wishes solely to the next 12 months....

All of you who have known Amanda, all of you who have loved her, all of you who never knew her but knew her through friends or reading our blog.... Everyone out there who I don't know and for those who never knew either of us....

I would like to wish you all health, happiness, joy, peace and compassion for as long as you participate in this life. Please share your love, compassion and kindness where you can. Judge not (misjudge) others, for we cannot know why they are the way they are, why they choose to behave the way they do. Have we walked in their shoes have we seen or experienced everything life has thrown at them, to shape them? Let us show compassion and understanding rather than be quick to cast judgement or aspursions. Help others where we can.... If we have the resources or ability to help then let us do so.... Why stand by watching and waiting for someone else to help when our compassionate hearts want nothing more than for us to help. It is only the false fear of judgement which holds us back. Fear not being judged (this was one of my many shortcomings) if your heart is good your are doing the right thing.

Let us start respecting our body's and mind's through nutrition, exercise and meditation. Should we not know more about our body's and mind's and how to nourish them correctly rather than who is sleeping with who in 'Hollyoaks', or who is about to lose their job in 'Coronation Street'?

We live in a mad world where our priorities are so mixed up it's frightening.

Follow your heart and let kindness flourish.

Love to you all.

Here are some pictures from our New Years Eve/Day 2008 into 2009 Santa Caterina, Italy and 2010 into 2011 Engleberg Switzerland.

Mark (with Amanda in my heart)