Miss Amanda So Much - Sad and Confused Day.....

What if all I'm good for now is thinking about my beautiful wife, constantly focused on our great highs and our little lows, on the most wondrous of loves, on her struggle over her final months.... This is all I feel good for. It's all I can focus on. It's all I want to focus on. I don't want 'the healing' to start, I don't need to be healed.... I don't need to be part of a healing process. I just want to hold Amanda in my arms, her head lay on my chest.... This can't happen I know, but letting go isn't going to happen either.... So where on earth does that leave me I wonder? Where does it leave anyone who has lost someone so beloved to them? How do they cope? I simply can't understand. It's far harder here, away from friends and family who love me, and who I love dearly. I was hoping this time alone would help. Maybe it will or maybe it's just a waste of time. All I know is that my heart and mind ache, full of Amanda. Every minute of every day.... I don't see how I will ever miss her less. I don't want to miss her less. But I don't want to hold on to the pain that makes everyone else miserable around me either.  I know what I should be doing, what I'd have expected from Amanda had it been the other way around. But I know only too well she would have been in a similar if not worse state emotionally. I tried to do things that felt right to celebrate Amanda's life, photo albums, blogs a beautiful hand engraved bench, but none of these things mean anything do they? Amanda isn't here..... It's lovely and easy for people to say 'Amanda will always be with you', and nice things like that, but I can't see her beauty in the flesh, I can't touch her face, hold her snugly as I kiss her, I can't hear her voice, her laugh.... I can't look in to her beautiful eyes. There's a lot of 'I can''ts' isn't there? This is what makes me very weak.

I should be focused on what I have in life, what we all have. Yet here I am focused on Amanda not being here. All my focus is concentrated in this den of self pity and sadness. Longing for something that can never be. I read Amanda's cards that she gave to me over the years and my cards to her. A card from 2012 said, 'I hope I get better for you, for us both, so we can live our dreams together'. When I think about that it makes me so sad. There was so much more for Amanda, so many experiences.... So much love and sharing.... So many things she would have loved to see.... Seeing Robyn grow up, get married, have kids, then all the things she would have done with me or on her own.... Sighhhhhhh....

I've cried a lot this afternoon. It's becoming standard. Eventually I'll dehydrate, and they'll find a crispy dried out Boyd.

I still have so many questions. A lot are to do with the medications used in providing pain relief for cancer. The super heavy ones they save especially for cancer patients. I suppose it's like the chemo and radiation. They are saved for cancer patients because the doctors, nurses and specialists don't hold out too much hope for them. Their life expectancy is less than that of people the same age who are not suffering (or have not officially been diagnosed) with cancer.  The heavy side affects of all these 'treatments' even of the pain relief causes serious damage to the liver and kidneys..... Once this starts to happen in a weakened body with a weakened immune system things seem to be downhill.

I continue to read the experience of others who have suffered or are suffering cancer. Those who have researched their treatments and understand them. Understand the risks. Those who choose conventional well known 'halting' treatments and those who take a punt on alternative courses of treatment for halting or full healing. I still support Amanda fully in her choices. We met people who these treatments worked for. In fact after 8 months of Gerson Therapy Amanda was in great shape, all her bloods, her liver and kidney function were all perfect. This is where you wonder what if she'd been able to stick it out for 18 months or 2 years?  But I will always be left to wonder.  Ours is not to force others against their will, for it is their life, their own experience  Would the same result have come about anyway, which ever method Amanda had chosen?  Maybe this young age was destined to be her end?  I continue to question this over and over.  If this were the case and she had felt forced to do chemotherapy by all who have no knowledge of this treatment, just the assumption that it is standard practice for cancer patients, the standard protocol, it would have simply meant she would have missed out on travelling SE Asia and India, learning more about Buddhism, life and death. Finding her own heart and mind in the process. We'll never know because all any of us get is one shot at this particular life, then hopefully some more shots in another incarnation.... and that's where I hope to meet my love again.... But then I also think it won't really matter because I won't remember her anyway. I may have met Amanda many times over the millenia according to the reincarnation theorists.... and I didn't remember her this time.... Maybe that's what makes it so special and wonderful.

I'm going to watch the peacocks come home to roost.

Night night x

Next day:

Feeling a little better again, things planned.  People to see.....

Questions continue to be fired at my subconscious mind..... Maybe they always will.