So much hatred, misunderstanding and fear....

I'm pretty sure no one follows this blog any longer... But today requires a post.
This digital diary became a place of solace after Amanda's passing. I opened my heart to share with those who chose to read.  Many people who had suffered similar losses felt supported by my musings.  They went on to contact me directly or shared via comments.

Many of Amanda's friends and family followed each and every post on this blog, they read words written by Amanda and words written by me; my points of view surrounding the situation and our love for one another.

Whilst in Hospice Amanda said I should write a book on her life.  I told her I didn't know everything in her life.  'You met me when I was 24 she laughed.'  I told her I could only write what she had shared with me, and what I knew from the time we had spent together..... I promised I'd try.

So whilst travelling I spent many months making the blog readable.  I removed names and  corrected spelling and grammatical errors.  It was my way of processing Amanda having been taken by cancer.  I wondered would this format be publishable, as Amanda suggested.  Maybe it would sell enough to raise a few quid for the Penny Brohn Centre in Bristol who had been so kind and offered such great support to us during 2011.

Just over one year had passed since Amanda's passing and life seemed more bearable.  I was helping a friend out serving posh pancakes in a field in Port St Mary.  Between meditation and yoga I wanted to keep physically busy. I bumped in to girl who, regardless of my shaggy, unkempt appearance seemed to like me.  During our introduction she mentioned my wedding rings....I explained how and why.  She didn't run off, and seemed lovely.  I felt awkward about spending time with her as I was still in love with Amanda.  It was strange, somehow I felt like I was cheating?  I stalled and stalled.  I refused to go out in public with her for fear of judgement from those who like me, held tightly on to the memory of Amanda.  No doubt the judges would expect me to grieve for many years to come.... as expected I continue to do.  This girl was incredibly understanding of my reluctance to be involved with anyone, to be seen to feel shame in sharing my time with another when my wife had passed so recently.... She put up with my constant weeping and sobbing.  She faced the pictures in my wallet, on my computer and walls (which all remain).... More so she faced what was going on in my heart and mind..... she faced someone who would always be there on a pedestal, someone she would have to learn to live with if she wanted to spend time with me.  Every life experience I cited, every wise word seemed to come with 'Amanda said....' or 'Amanda did....'  it's not easy having someone who is no longer with us.... This interaction has made me aware of my loss of romanticism, and the carefree-ness that Amanda and I shared in our relationship.
So when I feared judgment were they just in my head?  Friends who loved both Amanda and I seemed pleased that I was sharing my time with someone so understanding and caring..... Did they judge?  If they did it was well hidden..... I have found that choosing to spend more quiet intimate time with another human being does not soothe the loss of a soul mate.... but having people around us who care and love us makes our lives more bearable.  This goes for friends, family and even strangers who at times can care more than those who should be closest to you.  Like all who lost Amanda I continue to grieve regardless of who is in my life.  I continue to cry and wonder when the crying and pain will finish.  Maybe it won't.  If it doesn't that's fine.  If it does that's fine too.  People don't want to be around miserable people.  That's the way it is.  As humans we can wallow in the loss of loved ones or we accept the fact that until we die, everyone we know around us will die.  Some of those we will love more than others and some will depart far earlier and more unexpectedly like our lovely Amanda.  I want to smile again.  And I want the smile to be genuine.  I want people around me to smile.  What else is life for if not to enjoy and share love?

Yesterday after submitting my manuscript for the blog I was offered a publishing deal.  There was quite a bit of up front cash required so I shared the news on Facebook, and inquired if anyone knew how one goes about funding such a project.  Are there grant schemes?  Much advice and congratulations followed.  This meant a lot.  This story was after all a story of love, support, devotion whilst aiming to highlight the shortfalls in cancer treatment in the UK.  It is an important story.....
But then between the kind remarks and support came negativity, anger and misunderstanding.
Suddenly I was being accused of wrong doing.....
Why would you?
How could you?
You don't care you wouldn't have 'moved on' so fast if you cared!
You're a vile man!
You're looking to profiteer from Amanda's death...... and so on.....
The last three are incorrect.
The first two can be answered by the paragraphs earlier in this post.  The Lump is still a live blog it can be read online, if not a bit repetitive and grammatically incorrect here and there.  All I'm intending to do is take it to paper in an attempt to meet my late wife's requests and raise money for a charity she totally loved.

The private and personal attacks I've suffered since the 'Publishing and Funding' post on Facebook has been harsh and unprovoked.  It was made clear over a year ago that 'The Lump' was going to become a book if any publishers were interested.  There were plenty of posts and comments to support this, and all I received was encouragement..... Now even though nothing has changed bar the fact that the story has been recognised as something others could relate to, therefore is worth publishing a torrent of negativity and abuse has come my way.

The blog was Amanda's idea, the book was Amanda's idea.  For those that can't stomach this I don't really understand what I can do for you.  The blog was a choice.  Log in and follow if you like.  The same can be said of the book.  It is not my intention to force it down anyone's throat.  The choice will be yours to purchase and read.  There need be not further anger regarding Amanda's passing nor me plodding on trying to do things she wanted done.  I'm even looking at making cards she started to design.  I live with sadness everyday.  Those who feel the need judge me go ahead.  But then remember to take the time to turn your focus upon yourself and see why there are such deep seated issues not only regarding the story of Mark & Amanda, but also your hatred for me and misunderstanding of this time in your lives.