12 months? Unbelievable.... But True....

Lovely Amanda..

One year ago... at 2am tonight our lovely Amanda left her beautiful little shell behind.... We were all left torn apart... Does it really seem like a year to you all? No... Not me either...

Although I am acknowledging this date, it is a long stretch from the dates I feel happy to remember such as our anniversary in a few days or Amanda's birthday... I'll acknowledge this day because of the huge loss left in all our hearts on that Tuesday night.... The huge loss we all still nurse.

For me it's the same as every other day. I go to bed at night and I lie thinking about Amanda. I wake in the morning and I think about Amanda. During the day she'll flit in to my head on numerous occasions, but life continues on around my thoughts, and Amanda continues on around my life.

Those of you who followed www.completingourjourney.blogspot.com will have noticed how serendipitous events, kind and generous people and great experiences marked my path. Was this because what Amanda gave me whilst she was with me was a belief that people are good?  To judge no one and just share loving kindness with all you meet?  Was her energy influencing what happened or what I 'attracted' to myself?

On a number of occasions I came very close to boarding a plane home, my emotions were all over the place.  I was filled with tears on a daily basis, but I knew I would remain trapped within my own emotional tangle if I couldn't find a way to live with Amanda no longer being here. I've read many books, I've listened to the opinions of others, I've took on board great wisdom from empathetic people with similar experiences.... I suppose to sum it all up, I've shared.

Amanda's 'Selfie' Before Selfies were considered fashionable...

As I've said before, Amanda will continue to be with us all, in our hearts and minds. In words she said, in smiles, in laughter, in a touch, a hug, a cuddle or a kiss.... Her empathetic listening style, her willingness to totally immerse herself in the troubles of others, totally undistracted by all that went on around her, totally focused on that person... Just beautiful. She will continue to live on as we live on. No longer is she physical, she is now energy within each of us. Does this doesn't soften the sense of loss, maybe not, but at least there's a knowing her legend continues.

At midnight last night after 7 months of travelling I arrived back at my parents home.

Today I visited Amanda's bench with lilies and a bouquet from my folks. I sat for an hour with the warm sun on my face.  A pair of black Choughs (pronounced Chuff) with their bright curved beaks soared nearby making their distinctive namesake call.  Warblers flitted in the gorse and seals sung their melancholy song in the distance.  I don't think Amanda's bench could be anywhere more beautiful.  On my way back home I visited the cemetery where the majority of Amanda's ashes lie with her much loved Grandma who also died of cancer at a young age... In addition to words written for Amanda's Grandma, the new inscription on the new headstone reads, 'Amanda Jo Boyd Loving Wife, Mother, Sister and Daughter.' Seeing the words on a headstone really does bring it home.... On a headstone....Thank you to Colleen, Aunty Linda & Uncle Norman for getting the new headstone which marks Amanda's physical resting place with her Grandma.

Tonight I'll be drifting around the south of the island.... I'll be out and about at 2am.... Maybe the skies will clear and I'll watch meteors burning across the sky whilst I sit on Amanda's bench.  If the wind is in the right direction, or has dropped away I will scatter the remainder of her ashes from the bench.

I pray Amanda is having a wonderful time in some heavenly dimension or a new reincarnated body... What body wouldn't want that beautiful soul she possessed, that soul she made grow and grow, leading it through this physical and mental test we know as life?

Thanks again to everyone for the past 12 months. And I do mean everyone. When my heart and mind were tested there was reason. I learned strength and forgiveness, but not before a sense of regret and deep sadness. I learned that most do not mean to hurt with words, but when negative words are uttered or written regret does follow. Everyone who crossed my path, who lent an ear, who comforted me when teary explosions intervened at seemingly inappropriate moments, those who offered kindness and generosity, thank you all so much.