A River of Love....

Laughing.... Really Laughing..... xxx

What can I say?  You have all left me dumbfounded, bathed by love, compassion and empathy.... Beautiful heartfelt messages for Amanda, myself, Robyn and the family that miss her so much.  Moving poems, memory filled photographs, sweet tributes... Facebook juddered in to life the evening after Amanda's passing.  I typed and wept responding to beautiful tributes and voices of friends.
Early that evening a strange thing happened - No doubt I'll begin to make more and more tedious links as the days and weeks go by - But whilst sat looking out from the back of my parenets house a heron, slim and elegant with her exquisitely long neck perched a top the wooden arched treliss outside the window.  She stood looking in the living room window and the window above where Amanda and I slept during last summer.  This magnificent looking creature, towering near
4 feet tall, stood atop the treliss for almost 3 minutes, then took flight.  I always asked Amanda to where her hair up as she had a such a beautiful neck.  My Mum has never seen a heron alight out the back of the house before, let alone near the window, and so high up, and my parents have lived in the house 17 years!  It really was strange, but beautiful.  My 'spiritual' tedious link was not only relating to 'necks' there is more.  Last year, the anniversary card I made for Amanda featured the treliss which this beautiful took a fancy too, with a picture Amanda had taken of me during the summer whilst I was 'playing around'... Naked... It was early morning so no one to scare!  You can see the card below.....

I wouldn't normally show my 'censored' arse cheeks globally, but these are exceptional circumstances.... Wish I'd designed to where clothes that morning!

Having wept, typed, wept and typed responding to the torrent of beautiful messages exhaustion finally took a hold of my weary mind and body.  I headed upstairs to a lonely bedroom at 11pm.  I hadn't slept in over 40 hours and my body was letting me know.  I thought hard about my wife, concentrating hoping if I thought as hard as I possibly could she would join me in my dreams.  I knew a dream would feel as if we were really together.... All I wanted was a beautiful dream.... But it was not to be.  I slept heavily until 8am, then rose showered and started the day.... with some crying.  This will stop.  Amanda wouldn't want me crying all the time, sobbing at her departure.  I hope she understands that I am being present, simply immersing myself in her love and my love for her.  This wet spell will soon be over.... soon-ish anyway....  I also had my wife's send off to sort out.  She wanted it all planned by me.  Nothing like a challenge.  No funeral directors, just keep it personal.  So I got to sorting the paperwork, driving around doing this and that.  She helped me hold everything together.

I went back to Jane's house, to sort out the room we had stayed in for the past 7 months.  A family home full of love and warmth.  Jane and Jordan made us both feel incredibly welcome, as did the crazy springer spaniels Poppy and Ruby.  This was a good place to embark from on her next peace and love filled journey.
I started to sort out jewellery and trinkets.  She didn't have much, she pretty much wore what she owned.... I got nowhere, lay on the single bed that had been my home for the past 3 weeks and sobbed.  Her Mum found me there wetting the bedding with my face.  She stroked my head and spoke soft soothing words.... She was right in what she said.  Thanks Coll.  I pulled myself together and proceeded to sort again...

I had a big soft cushion printed up of various photo's of Amanda and members of my family a couple of years back, for Mother's Day for my Mum.  Amanda is peeking out at me smiling as I type.  Such a beautiful  and true smile, such big loving happy eyes, such beauty inside....

I look out to the garden.... A magpie lands on the lawn in front of a small bush..... I feel it I began to think to myself.  As I began to turn another hopped out from behind the bush.... Maybe one day again, soon,  I'll feel that too.

This evening I visited Amanda at the chapel of rest.  Her 'chariot' is yet to arrive from the UK but A Duggan and Son did their best to present her nicely for me.  The family are waiting for her 'chariot' to arrive tomorrow.  The chapel of rest was peaceful, as you would expect.  Just my wife and I.  But it wasn't just my wife and I. I could feel she wasn't there.  Not in the beautiful little shell that lay still and cool in front of me, her tiny frame draped in one of her favourite dresses and shawls.  No she wasn't there.  She was in my heart and mind.  I still felt compelled to give her little feet a massage.  She loved to have her feet rubbed, her face and head stroked.  Her little feet were so cold, my hands couldn't warm them.
I feel more at peace now with everything.  I know what she wanted for me and I know how to make her proud and that's what I intend to do.  I will live my life the way I want to live it, full of love, compassion and empathy for others.  The influence of my wonderful wife and best friend in my heart and mind as a guide.  If she were with me she would be happy, she would be proud, she would be content.  Her mind would be full of peace and love satisfied in the knowledge that I too am happy.... or at least am soon to be happy knowing she is with me where ever I may be.

Thank you all xxx