I keep trying....

I don't really understand what's happened since the hospital visit. Amanda went in for an Herceptin infusion which didn't happen and was drained of 3 litres of abdominal fluid instead. But ever since the infusion of Zolodronic Acid a few hours later, to help bring down her Calcium levels she's been totally out of it, unable to to move. 12 days in bed is a long time. At times I get frustrated with myself. Was it the wrong decision for her to have the Z.A? Am I not doing enough? Is there more I could be doing.... There's always more we can do, but sometimes we're limited by circumstances. Amanda is in no condition to travel to Germany for instance, where they have fantastic cancer clinics. At the moment getting 10 organic juices in to her would also be an impossibility as she is only
drifting in to consciousness for short periods due to the syringe driver full of Diamorphine and Midazolam attached to her right thigh which is managing her pain levels in her neck and shoulders.

My bed, which over the past nine nights has been Colleen's bed lies alongside the bedroom wall underneath the window, which runs three quarters of the length of the bed. Amanda lies to my left on the adjustable hospital bed. Behind the oatmeal cotton curtains I placed a little lamp to give the room a soft warm glow at night. As I type Amanda's subconcious is hopefully picking up the voice of Anita Moorjani. This lady wrote an inspirational book about her own self healing of cancer a couple of years ago.... We bought it on audiobook and Amanda really loved it, so when she's asleep and I'm not reading to her or waffling on, I pop Anita Moorjani's audiobook in her pretty little ears.

Over the past 10 days Amanda has not really wanted to eat, her appetite has been very poor indeed. But she was always asking for iced water with extra ice cubes, which she'd crunch up in her back teeth. I currently have a chest freezer with three 1.5 litre bottles of Green Mann spring water constantly on circulation. I decided this penchant for ice cubes could be used in her favour. A couple of days ago I began juicing extra carrots and ginger to make lots of orange ice cubes. I juiced brocolli, spinach, celery and apple for green ice cubes. Yesterday I had to nip down town to pick up a prescription, whilst there I thought to myself ice 'cubes' are no fun. I returned with a tray for making ice hearts. Now she has orange and green ice hearts, with a new addition this evening of melon, papaya, apple and cucumber sorbet hearts. She crunches them up like an ice grinder!!! She won't take her supplements, vitamins or minerals at the moment, it all feels too much like hard work, washing 15 to 20 little packages down her throat each day. To overcome this I open up the capsules and mix them with goat's yoghurt, almond milk and a spoon of honey to make a 'pleasant' tasting smoothie. She also drinks a couple of fresh carrot and ginger juices a day. So all in all I'm pretty happy with what she's getting in to her body.

Sometimes frustration kicks in, and last night at 1am this lead me to snapping on her Aunt. Emotions can run high and I recognise that both Colleen and Linda are both brilliant in helping out. We just have different views of the current situation. I won't give up believing that anything is possible, that unexplainable miracles can and do happen, so I keep trying. Sometimes I have to convince Amanda to drink her drinks just to ensure she is getting enough nutrients. Sometimes she gets confused with her medications and this can lead to her getting upset through her hazy state of mind. Her Mum and Aunt, also get a little confused with them (they also get confused with me!), but it's understandable, I think they've just about got the hang of it all now. I felt terrible for snapping at her Aunt. Afterwards I sat on the bed in full lotus and meditated until I fell asleep. I apologised for my outburst the following morning.

Over the past few days my frustrations seem to have been getting the better of me, forcing me in to a sob here and there.

Today I sat on my bed, legs crossed leaning across on to Amanda's bed. It's higher than my bed, and with a pillow under my face her bed makes a nice platform for my head. I miss her touch, so I lift her hand and place it on my cheek. I hear the sound of the syringe driver underneath the pillow clicking as it pushes a gentle stream of medication in to her tiny veins. I hear the sound of my own tears hitting the pillow. The sound of my tears makes me cry a little more. I'm looking up at Amanda's face from my position alongside her swollen tummy. She looks absolutely beautiful. A red horse shoe shaped beanie surrounds her head, and a little stuffed Peter Rabbit that Robyn brought to Clatterbridge for her sits on her right shoulder, the bottoms of his paws and white fluffy tail meeting my eyes as I look up toward my wife's peaceful face.

It's not easy all this, but I'll keep trying.

Those of you that are really keen to visit Amanda please understand that at the present time she is not really talking, and not up to visitors just yet. I know you're all dying to see her. My Mum and Dad have only just been 'allowed' to see her today. When I say allowed, they respected the space and time she currently needs to get herself sorted. Mum was of course over the moon, bringing in flowers, fresh soup and other goodies from her garden.

Thanks for your constant stream of lovely messages of support. They mean a lot. If I don't reply to texts please don't be offended. I don't always feel you're looking for a reply anyway. I read them and keep them close to my heart. I always read them to Amanda too. My arms and lips are getting worn out passing all these hugs and kisses on, I have to give my own hugs and kisses to her aswell you know. I do worry that all these mutimedia hugs and kisses may dilute the kisses I give her! Only joking, keep them coming.

Keep the positive vibes coming..... Visualise her up, about and well!!!

Big love.

Mark.