Amanda's Ashes.....

Today was an emotional day... As many are in fact, as those amongst you who have also lost know exactly what I mean.  But today was more so.  We had arranged to place some of Amanda's ashes in her Nan's plot at the cemetery in Malew.  At 10am I would meet Amanda's Mum, Step-dad, Sisters, Nephew his girlfriend and my Mum.

At 9.45am I picked up the heavy purple box, which had sat on my bedside table since August.  I carried it in both hands to the car.  Earlier on in the morning I set some of Amanda's ashes aside in a little intricately hand carved marble box.  It was Amanda's.  It's a stunning little thing, with wonderful patterning along with a depiction of Buddha.  These particular ashes are to be scattered at some of Amanda's favourite places here on the Isle of Man and in the UK, plus places that she would have loved, which will happen as I travel.
I pulled up on the roadside and lifted the purple box from the passengers seat.  I could see everyone waiting in the cemetery.  I felt overwhelmed and cried as I
walked.  By the time I reached everyone I'd almost recomposed myself.  There were hugs and tears as I lowered Amanda's ashes in to the shallow hole to lay with her Nan.  Her Mum asked me to say a few words, but I struggled, just saying how much we all missed her, how much we loved her and how much we learned from her between my tears.  It was difficult.

After a minute or so of silence we moved on to The Sound (Lands End of Mann).  This is where Amanda's memorial bench was to be placed.  A little over a week ago I headed out to clear the patch of land the farmer had given me permission to use.  Thick grass and heavy briars tortured the strimmer and my gloves.  A passing mountain biker came to a halt along the grass path, 'Is this a labour of love?' he asked, looking at the area I was attempting to clear.  'That's exactly what it is.' I gently replied, going on to explain what I was doing and why.
A couple of hours later a large clean patch of land sat proudly amidst the windswept undergrowth.  I stood on top of the clearing looking down on to the crashing sea, and out to the Calf of Man, the little mass of land that sits cut off from the main island itself.  Amanda loved this spot.  A few days later I returned with a pick and shovel and got to flattening a small area on the clear patch in preparation of a little concrete plinth for Amanda's bench to rest.
So today we all headed to this beautiful spot on the Isle of Man's rugged coastline.  It was cold and windy.  I like to describe it as 'fresh'.  I've never been averse to the Island's blustery conditions.  I lifted the bench from the car lugging it's beautifully heavy form to it's new resting place.  Out in the open.  Free to enjoy the elements of our Manx weather.  I'm hoping the engraved words will catch the setting sun of an evening.....
I also engraved the back of the bench.  It reads 'kisses in the sun, make my heart sing and my soul dance'.  Whenever we were sat in the sun, Amanda would close her eyes.  She would ask, 'What is my favourite thing?  I'd plant gentle kisses on her forehead, her eyelids, her cheeks and neck.  She would smile.... then say, as she did every time 'Kisses in the Sun'.

After placing the bench  we gathered in the warmth of The Sound Cafe and enjoyed hot tea and scones.  It was a beautiful get together, I do enjoy spending time with Amanda's Mum and Step Dad.  They are such lovely people.  And of course Jane, Sally, Jordan and Jasmine too... and my own wonderful Mum x.

My folks have been great supporting me over recent months.  Some great people have really stepped up to the mark.  Selfless people, kind acts of generosity coming in from all sorts of unexpected places.

Last night I decided I'd like a little wooden pendant to hold some of Amanda's ashes, so that I could have part of her near me at all times.  I would hand it from a leather necklace. Macabre?  A little silly maybe?  I don't know.... It just felt right for me.  Last night I emailed a lovely man who I'd only met a few weeks ago at the place where I'd learnt to do the letter carving for Amanda's bench.  Grtaham is a wood turner extraordinaire.  I told him what I wanted to do..... He told me to drop by the workshop this afternoon (today was Sunday) So after placing Amanda's bench that's exactly what I did.  Two hours later we had Amanda's ashes set in to a beautiful little polished Elm pendant.  Finished with a natural buffing of Manx bee's wax.  It's absolutely perfect.  As he worked we chatted and drank coffee.  It was lovely couple of hours.  Thank you so much for your kindness and generosity Graham, it meant a great deal to me.  I will wear my pendant with pride.  Graham explained that Elm wood signifies inner strength and intuition.... I hope both will grow in me.

Last weekend I realised I was nearing where I wanted to be with all things Amanda.  The bench was engraved and the land cleared.  It was ready to place.  Our photo albums were complete and Amanda's ashes were to be placed.
Living here at my parents has given me a wonderful opportunity to spend time with two of the loveliest people you could ever hope to share time with.  Thank you Mum and Dad.  But with this comes a soft, warm security blanket.  It would be all too easy to simply live out the rest of my life in my little living room looking at photographs of Amanda constantly reminiscing.... Fighting waves of emotions.... Was I ever going to do the things I said would, such as heading back to India to finish our trip.  I feared I would continue to procrastinate.... stagnate.....
Having lost my courage and sense of adventure how would I continue with this life?  I have no direction.  My beautiful wife is no longer here to hold my hand.  I have no special person to share my love with any longer.  Everything was fear based, and with this recognition of fear, I knew I needed to address it.
I took the bull by the horns and applied for my Indian Visa.
Next I booked a flight to London, then on to India.  I leave on the 18th January..... If my Visa arrives in time!

It's time to face the world.....Alone.