Miss Amanda So Much - Sad and Confused Day.....

What if all I'm good for now is thinking about my beautiful wife, constantly focused on our great highs and our little lows, on the most wondrous of loves, on her struggle over her final months.... This is all I feel good for. It's all I can focus on. It's all I want to focus on. I don't want 'the healing' to start, I don't need to be healed.... I don't need to be part of a healing process. I just want to hold Amanda in my arms, her head lay on my chest.... This can't happen I know, but letting go isn't going to happen either.... So where on earth does that leave me I wonder? Where does it leave anyone who has lost someone so beloved to them? How do they cope? I simply can't understand. It's far harder here, away from friends and family who love me, and who I love dearly. I was hoping this time alone would help. Maybe it will or maybe it's just a waste of time. All I know is that my heart and mind ache, full of Amanda. Every minute of every day.... I don't see how I will ever miss her less. I don't want to miss her less. But I don't want to hold on to the pain that makes everyone else miserable around me either.  I know what I should be doing, what I'd have expected from Amanda had it been the other way around. But I know only too well she would have been in a similar if not worse state emotionally. I tried to do things that felt right to celebrate Amanda's life, photo albums, blogs a beautiful hand engraved bench, but none of these things mean anything do they? Amanda isn't here..... It's lovely and easy for people to say 'Amanda will always be with you', and nice things like that, but I can't see her beauty in the flesh, I can't touch her face, hold her snugly as I kiss her, I can't hear her voice, her laugh.... I can't look in to her beautiful eyes. There's a lot of 'I can''ts' isn't there? This is what makes me very weak.

I should be focused on what I have in life, what we all have. Yet here I am focused on Amanda not being here. All my focus is concentrated in this den of self pity and sadness. Longing for something that can never be. I read Amanda's cards that she gave to me over the years and my cards to her. A card from 2012 said, 'I hope I get better for you, for us both, so we can live our dreams together'. When I think about that it makes me so sad. There was so much more for Amanda, so many experiences.... So much love and sharing.... So many things she would have loved to see.... Seeing Robyn grow up, get married, have kids, then all the things she would have done with me or on her own.... Sighhhhhhh....

I've cried a lot this afternoon. It's becoming standard. Eventually I'll dehydrate, and they'll find a crispy dried out Boyd.

I still have so many questions. A lot are to do with the medications used in providing pain relief for cancer. The super heavy ones they save especially for cancer patients. I suppose it's like the chemo and radiation. They are saved for cancer patients because the doctors, nurses and specialists don't hold out too much hope for them. Their life expectancy is less than that of people the same age who are not suffering (or have not officially been diagnosed) with cancer.  The heavy side affects of all these 'treatments' even of the pain relief causes serious damage to the liver and kidneys..... Once this starts to happen in a weakened body with a weakened immune system things seem to be downhill.

I continue to read the experience of others who have suffered or are suffering cancer. Those who have researched their treatments and understand them. Understand the risks. Those who choose conventional well known 'halting' treatments and those who take a punt on alternative courses of treatment for halting or full healing. I still support Amanda fully in her choices. We met people who these treatments worked for. In fact after 8 months of Gerson Therapy Amanda was in great shape, all her bloods, her liver and kidney function were all perfect. This is where you wonder what if she'd been able to stick it out for 18 months or 2 years?  But I will always be left to wonder.  Ours is not to force others against their will, for it is their life, their own experience  Would the same result have come about anyway, which ever method Amanda had chosen?  Maybe this young age was destined to be her end?  I continue to question this over and over.  If this were the case and she had felt forced to do chemotherapy by all who have no knowledge of this treatment, just the assumption that it is standard practice for cancer patients, the standard protocol, it would have simply meant she would have missed out on travelling SE Asia and India, learning more about Buddhism, life and death. Finding her own heart and mind in the process. We'll never know because all any of us get is one shot at this particular life, then hopefully some more shots in another incarnation.... and that's where I hope to meet my love again.... But then I also think it won't really matter because I won't remember her anyway. I may have met Amanda many times over the millenia according to the reincarnation theorists.... and I didn't remember her this time.... Maybe that's what makes it so special and wonderful.

I'm going to watch the peacocks come home to roost.

Night night x

Next day:

Feeling a little better again, things planned.  People to see.....

Questions continue to be fired at my subconscious mind..... Maybe they always will.

Visiting our last place in India together..... What would Amanda be doing now?

The journey from Varkala went as perfectly as an Indian journey can ever hope to go.  Maybe I was being assisted by my beautiful spirit guide, maybe the universe was taking pity, maybe it was all just chance that it went so swimmingly, but what I do know is that I was wanting to go there.  I was being drawn to Auroville.  Before I left some suggested going to places we had last been together would simply be torturing myself, but I hoped for something different.  I decided to take a chance and see what would happen to my heart and mind.

As I took the dirt track out to Nillitangham, the little forest getaway that was our home for the final couple of weeks of our cut short Indian adventure, I felt a strange home coming.  I mean, it was strange.  Especially as we had only stayed here for two weeks.  I arrived at Nillitangham, chatted with Ambre, the French lady that runs this small settlement of 'buildings' and for the first night agreed that I could sleep in my tent under the stars, until the little hobbit house was free.  The double one Amanda and I stayed in was already in use.

I wandered around the dusty sand pathways amongst the mango trees, bushes and flowers.   I remembered how much Amanda wanted to remain here in this quaint Garden of Eden that provided us with fresh fruit to eat and beautiful birds, animals and insects to watch and listen to.

I hooked my little laminated wallet pictures of Amanda and I on the inside of my mesh tent.  I wouldn't need the fly sheet, there would be no rain.  I could just lie looking at the stars and dream of Amanda.

Auroville, the first of a couple of places in India that Amanda and I visited together. Some folks advised me against going to places we had been together, suggesting that I may just be torturing myself. But Auroville has lured me here.... You can read about it on the travel blog I'm doing my best to keep www.completingourjourney.blogspot.com

Does it feel torturous? No, not torturous.... Does it evoke difficult memories? Yes.... Yes it does. Bitter sweet memories, ones that sit heavy in my heart as well as my mind.

But I continue to try and cope with my emotions. I practice yoga and meditation daily, though I know I am not committing enough time for the meditation. I'm distracted by the things I have planned for myself to do. Maintaining a blog, capturing images and small movie clips, these are all very time consuming activities..... I possibly need to find a silent retreat. 10 days with no media distraction, no contact with the outside world. Oh... I don't really know what I need to be honest... Just my wife back, but I have to be realistic....

I'm enjoying it here at Nilatangham in Auroville. The peacefulness the immersion in nature. But each day I seek a connection with the outside world, rather than bringing focus to my inner terrain, my subconscious, the ruler of my decisions, emotions and actions. I recently read that approximately 95% of our actions come about from the subconscious mind. This is due to the way we have all been conditioned throughout our lives. Parents, teachers and the Media all play roles in the shaping of us as today's social materialist human beings. Conditioning is not necessarily all bad, after all parents and teachers only want the best for us, but they have learned what they now from their parents and teachers, and so on.  So conditioning is conditioning. This conditioning subconsciously removes choice. We are totally unaware of how our subconscious effects our every decision and every action. We need to bring our subconscious to the forefront, we need to understand it, see it, feel it, recognise it, then all our thoughts, words and actions will become conscious..... fully aware of everything we think, say and do. Wouldn't that be lovely. This is what I need to recognise now.

I'm clearly avoiding immersing myself fully in to my grief about my love, my darling Amanda. Every now and again I let it happen. I sit and reminisce. The beautiful thoughts, the painful thoughts, the funny thoughts.... the painful thoughts again....

I see Amanda weeding the paths here at Nilitangham, knelt down in her purple skirt and pink vest top.... I see us sitting having breakfast as the butterflies and birds zip about us. The geckos grabbing insects from the ceiling of the little kitchen. I see us having our evening meal as the peacock struts along the dusty path before flapping loudly to reach his roost in the tree next to the dining area..... I cry as I remember how Amanda's pain became worse, and moving about became painful.  I cry when I remember her asking me, 'Am I dying?', I hugged her and said of course you're not dying.... She cried.  Amanda felt there was more wrong that what the hospital had told her.  These are the thoughts that fill me with tears.  Her face, her eyes looking deep in to mine.  

Then today as I sat looking at the golden disc covered Matrimandir, I watched us both in the distance walking around this amazing structure in awe of it's presence. I remembered us sitting beneath the Banyan Tree to the left of the Matrimandir on New Year's Eve..... Watching the candles flicker, the flames lighting the floating lotus flowers which drifted in the water filled golden discs. We watched the shadows of people coming and going..... Just me and Amanda.... We headed to the Tibetan Pavillion afterwards for the chanting, then to The Visitors Centre for their New Year's Eve buffet.  All in all it was a very special and spiritual evening.  I cry again, even harder. Sat there looking toward the golden ball as people take photo's all around me. They laugh and smile.... I wish I could have feel some of their joy. But I can't. I miss Amanda too much. All the time I wonder what would she be doing now if she was here.... Where would we be? Would we be running our little organic cafe? Would we be planning a snowboarding adventure? Would we be running yoga and meditation classes together? She would be doing something wonderful, and I would be sharing in her joy, laughter, smiles and tribulations.... We shared everything. Amanda would have loved my plan to capture a star trail image of the Matrimandir. She would have been 'the distraction' chatting to the security guy who could not resist her gentle smile and beautiful big eyes.... Whilst she asked him a question, I'd leap over the hedge and wait for everyone else to leave. I'd meet Amanda for dinner at the Visitors Centre....Though I may be locked in.  She would find me later, and we would chat through the fence.  I'd have to sleep rough for the night, Amanda would pick me up in the morning. There's the plan, but with no partner in fun and adventure my plan falls short. Having someone to share the smiles and laughter if things go wrong or go right for that matter is what makes adventures fun.... My spirit of adventure now wanders lonely .... It doesn't have as much fun, or seek as much excitement as when my little soul mate was by my side. Making Amanda smile, laugh, roll her eyes at me or feel proud of me, was everything I lived for until cancer came in to our lives almost 3 years ago.

Whilst at the Matrimandir viewing point this evening I met a German pilot on a 4 day stop over with his Lufthansa crew. They would fly out from Chennai on Thursday. We got talking, I was telling him how stunning and serene it was inside..... Of course I got on to the subject of Amanda. I ache to talk about her, tell everyone how wonderful she was, how wonderful she is..... How beautiful she is. He started off very deeply indeed, pleased to be talking about such a subject. He was a staunch believer that we all come around again, and that those who affect our lives, be it family, lovers or friends will all come together again, be it here on earth, as in reborn, reincarnation, or in another dimension..... It was lovely talking with him for those few minutes. We even exchanged email addresses. His beliefs made me feel a little better as we were ushered out for last orders at the Matrimandir viewing point.

I ambled along the dusty orange track to my motorcycle, taking in the truly stunning flower bushes. I rode slowly back to Nilitangham to watch the peacock return to it's roost in the tree by the dining area.

Amanda's Ashes.....

Today was an emotional day... As many are in fact, as those amongst you who have also lost know exactly what I mean.  But today was more so.  We had arranged to place some of Amanda's ashes in her Nan's plot at the cemetery in Malew.  At 10am I would meet Amanda's Mum, Step-dad, Sisters, Nephew his girlfriend and my Mum.

At 9.45am I picked up the heavy purple box, which had sat on my bedside table since August.  I carried it in both hands to the car.  Earlier on in the morning I set some of Amanda's ashes aside in a little intricately hand carved marble box.  It was Amanda's.  It's a stunning little thing, with wonderful patterning along with a depiction of Buddha.  These particular ashes are to be scattered at some of Amanda's favourite places here on the Isle of Man and in the UK, plus places that she would have loved, which will happen as I travel.
I pulled up on the roadside and lifted the purple box from the passengers seat.  I could see everyone waiting in the cemetery.  I felt overwhelmed and cried as I