The journey from Varkala went as perfectly as an Indian journey can ever hope to go. Maybe I was being assisted by my beautiful spirit guide, maybe the universe was taking pity, maybe it was all just chance that it went so swimmingly, but what I do know is that I was wanting to go there. I was being drawn to Auroville. Before I left some suggested going to places we had last been together would simply be torturing myself, but I hoped for something different. I decided to take a chance and see what would happen to my heart and mind.
As I took the dirt track out to Nillitangham, the little forest getaway that was our home for the final couple of weeks of our cut short Indian adventure, I felt a strange home coming. I mean, it was strange. Especially as we had only stayed here for two weeks. I arrived at Nillitangham, chatted with Ambre, the French lady that runs this small settlement of 'buildings' and for the first night agreed that I could sleep in my tent under the stars, until the little hobbit house was free. The double one Amanda and I stayed in was already in use.
I wandered around the dusty sand pathways amongst the mango trees, bushes and flowers. I remembered how much Amanda wanted to remain here in this quaint Garden of Eden that provided us with fresh fruit to eat and beautiful birds, animals and insects to watch and listen to.
I hooked my little laminated wallet pictures of Amanda and I on the inside of my mesh tent. I wouldn't need the fly sheet, there would be no rain. I could just lie looking at the stars and dream of Amanda.
Auroville, the first of a couple of places in India that Amanda and I visited together. Some folks advised me against going to places we had been together, suggesting that I may just be torturing myself. But Auroville has lured me here.... You can read about it on the travel blog I'm doing my best to keep www.completingourjourney.blogspot.com
As I took the dirt track out to Nillitangham, the little forest getaway that was our home for the final couple of weeks of our cut short Indian adventure, I felt a strange home coming. I mean, it was strange. Especially as we had only stayed here for two weeks. I arrived at Nillitangham, chatted with Ambre, the French lady that runs this small settlement of 'buildings' and for the first night agreed that I could sleep in my tent under the stars, until the little hobbit house was free. The double one Amanda and I stayed in was already in use.
I wandered around the dusty sand pathways amongst the mango trees, bushes and flowers. I remembered how much Amanda wanted to remain here in this quaint Garden of Eden that provided us with fresh fruit to eat and beautiful birds, animals and insects to watch and listen to.
I hooked my little laminated wallet pictures of Amanda and I on the inside of my mesh tent. I wouldn't need the fly sheet, there would be no rain. I could just lie looking at the stars and dream of Amanda.
Auroville, the first of a couple of places in India that Amanda and I visited together. Some folks advised me against going to places we had been together, suggesting that I may just be torturing myself. But Auroville has lured me here.... You can read about it on the travel blog I'm doing my best to keep www.completingourjourney.blogspot.com
Does it feel torturous?
No, not torturous.... Does it evoke difficult memories? Yes.... Yes
it does. Bitter sweet memories, ones that sit heavy in my heart as
well as my mind.
But I continue to try
and cope with my emotions. I practice yoga and meditation daily,
though I know I am not committing enough time for the meditation.
I'm distracted by the things I have planned for myself to do.
Maintaining a blog, capturing images and small movie clips, these are
all very time consuming activities..... I possibly need to find a silent
retreat. 10 days with no media distraction, no contact with the
outside world. Oh... I don't really know what I need to be honest... Just my wife back, but I have to be realistic....
I'm enjoying it here at
Nilatangham in Auroville. The peacefulness the immersion in nature. But each day I seek a connection with the outside world, rather than
bringing focus to my inner terrain, my subconscious, the ruler of my
decisions, emotions and actions. I recently read that approximately 95% of our
actions come about from the subconscious mind. This is due to the way
we have all been conditioned throughout our lives. Parents, teachers
and the Media all play roles in the shaping of us as today's social
materialist human beings. Conditioning is not necessarily all bad, after all parents and teachers only want the best for us, but they have learned what they now from their parents and teachers, and so on. So conditioning is conditioning. This conditioning
subconsciously removes choice. We are totally unaware of how our
subconscious effects our every decision and every action. We need to
bring our subconscious to the forefront, we need to understand it,
see it, feel it, recognise it, then all our thoughts, words and
actions will become conscious..... fully aware of everything we
think, say and do. Wouldn't that be lovely. This is what I need to
recognise now.
I'm clearly avoiding
immersing myself fully in to my grief about my love, my darling
Amanda. Every now and again I let it happen. I sit and reminisce.
The beautiful thoughts, the painful thoughts, the funny thoughts....
the painful thoughts again....
I see Amanda weeding
the paths here at Nilitangham, knelt down in her purple skirt and pink vest top....
I see us sitting having breakfast as the butterflies and birds zip
about us. The geckos grabbing insects from the ceiling of the little
kitchen. I see us having our evening meal as the peacock struts
along the dusty path before flapping loudly to reach his roost in the
tree next to the dining area..... I cry as I remember how Amanda's pain became worse, and moving about became painful. I cry when I remember her asking me, 'Am I dying?', I hugged her and said of course you're not dying.... She cried. Amanda felt there was more wrong that what the hospital had told her. These are the thoughts that fill me with tears. Her face, her eyes looking deep in to mine.
Then today as I sat
looking at the golden disc covered Matrimandir, I watched us both in
the distance walking around this amazing structure in awe of it's
presence. I remembered us sitting beneath the Banyan Tree to the
left of the Matrimandir on New Year's Eve..... Watching the candles
flicker, the flames lighting the floating lotus flowers which drifted
in the water filled golden discs. We watched the shadows of people
coming and going..... Just me and Amanda.... We headed to the Tibetan Pavillion afterwards for the chanting, then to The Visitors Centre for their New Year's Eve buffet. All in all it was a very special and spiritual evening. I cry again, even harder. Sat there looking toward the golden ball as people
take photo's all around me. They laugh and smile.... I wish I
could have feel some of their joy. But I can't. I miss Amanda
too much. All the time I wonder what would she be doing now if she
was here.... Where would we be? Would we be running our little
organic cafe? Would we be planning a snowboarding adventure? Would
we be running yoga and meditation classes together? She would be
doing something wonderful, and I would be sharing in her joy,
laughter, smiles and tribulations.... We shared everything. Amanda
would have loved my plan to capture a star trail image of the
Matrimandir. She would have been 'the distraction' chatting to the
security guy who could not resist her gentle smile and beautiful big
eyes.... Whilst she asked him a question, I'd leap over the hedge and
wait for everyone else to leave. I'd meet Amanda for dinner at the Visitors
Centre....Though I may be locked in. She would find me later, and we would chat through the fence. I'd have to sleep rough for the night, Amanda would pick me up in the morning. There's the plan, but with no partner in fun and adventure
my plan falls short. Having someone to share the smiles and laughter
if things go wrong or go right for that matter is what makes
adventures fun.... My spirit of adventure now wanders lonely .... It doesn't have as much fun, or seek as much excitement as when my little soul mate was by my side. Making Amanda
smile, laugh, roll her eyes at me or feel proud of me, was everything
I lived for until cancer came in to our lives almost 3 years ago.
Whilst at the
Matrimandir viewing point this evening I met a German pilot on a 4
day stop over with his Lufthansa crew. They would fly out from
Chennai on Thursday. We got talking, I was telling him how stunning and serene it was inside.....
Of course I got on to the subject of Amanda. I ache to talk about
her, tell everyone how wonderful she was, how wonderful she is.....
How beautiful she is. He started off very deeply indeed, pleased to
be talking about such a subject. He was a staunch believer that we
all come around again, and that those who affect our lives, be it
family, lovers or friends will all come together again, be it here on
earth, as in reborn, reincarnation, or in another dimension..... It
was lovely talking with him for those few minutes. We even exchanged
email addresses. His beliefs made me feel a little better as we were
ushered out for last orders at the Matrimandir viewing point.
I ambled along the
dusty orange track to my motorcycle, taking in the truly stunning
flower bushes. I rode slowly back to Nilitangham to watch the
peacock return to it's roost in the tree by the dining area.
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