From Amanda - TORN BETWEEN A KNOWING HEART AND DR'S RECOMMENDATIONS

A big THANK YOU to my lovely pal Kesh who yesterday as we walked her dogs, listened patiently and empathetically as I ranted incessantly and no doubt at times incoherently for well over an hour. Like Mark, Kesh does not
share my views on religion or healing. By her own admission 'I am about as religious as that twig.' How she knows that twigs aren't religious I do not know. But she seemed bloody sure, and who am I to argue. Still, although her views and beliefs are different to mine, her heart is always open. She accepts people for who and what they are, she doesn't discriminate, and I love that about her. Me Personally, I believe whole heartedly in God, mother nature, an explainable power, a universal force, call it what you will that governs us all. No I don't think God is some guy sitting up on a cloud lording it over us all, I think God is everything, everywhere. Why do I believe this? I really don't know! I can't explain my certainty, I just feel it to be so. My belief is woven so deeply in to my being, its a part of who I am.

What do my beliefs have to do with the cancer I have and how to treat it?

Today I must decide whether OR NOT to have surgery on Monday morning to remove my right breast and 4 lymph nodes from under my arm. These are parts of me that I am not prepared to part with lightly. Its not like deciding to clip a toe nail or pull out an unwanted hair. To clear things up, it is not vanity that stands between me giving up one of my god given breasts. In fact, anyone who knows me well, knows that I have never had a good relationship with my big knockers! Since they first made their almost instantaneous appearance when I was 15, I have remained consistent in my desire for them to shrink away to nothing. Kesh's views on perfect breast size also differs from mine and although she has lovely, perfectly formed baby baps she always craved more. I'm pretty sure that during the 80's, given the opportunity we'd have happily breast swapped. Over the years, I cursed these breasts of mine often, most often when trying to purchase clothes to fit. Dress shopping has always proved really difficult and mostly unsuccessful. Mainly because my breasts need at least a size 12, whilst everywhere else I'm a size 6/8. So unless the fabric is ultra stretchy or the dress is tent shaped I'm out of luck. Another down side, to a bigger breast is the shortage of options for pretty yet functional and comfortable bras. Anyone reading with big breasts will totally understand.... Big breasts need a big sturdy over the shoulder boulder holder to keep them securely and comfortably in place. This then hugely limits your fashion choices. Strappy summer tops and boob tube are, if you want to look half decent, a definite no in my mind. Finally, playing volley ball on the beach in a bikini is, in my opinion, far less enjoyable when you have big boobs bouncing around. In fact, if you are really unlucky they can get mistaken for the ball. This once happened to me! However, I do have a strong suspicion that the chap responsible was just trying to cop a grope. By comparison, woman with small breasts can tuck them neatly away under lovely little fabric triangles. Oh the envy I have felt towards these small beach breasts. So, if you didn't already know, you have probably grasped that I wont be particularly sad to see the big breast go. Obviously, I feel rather distressed at the prospect of being lob-sided. Who wouldn't. I voiced this concern to the surgeon and asked if it would be possible to get rid of the two during one op. Apparently, it is not. Removing the two together, unless absolutely necessary is not recommended. I probably wouldn't fear looking so odd if I had smaller breasts. Still big breasts or small breasts, I’m sure the psychological hurdle to be overcome would be the same. I have been told, that within a year I can hope to have had new breasts constructed to the size of my choice (dependant on any required future treatment of course). So, it would appear that I will in fact, eventually get the small breasts I have always desired. There is a common proverb that goes: Be careful what you wish for lest it come true. The mind is our creative tool. God! I bloody hope I did not wish this on myself. “Don't be bloody stupid” I hear you all say, but just in case, I think in future, I shall try to keep wayward desires in check and try to be more content with my lot. Even if that does mean embracing a body with one droopy big tit and an ugly Frankenstein scar. So what is it about this surgery I fear most? Being so squeamish I struggle to get my head around how I will deal with the wound and the drains. I worry about MRSA and other hospital bugs. I am anxious about the physiological trauma that I may have to endure following the surgery. But most of all, I fear making the wrong choice for me as a person. I feel pressured by the medical professionals and the tumours potential to quickly spread. I believe that a complex mix of facts that include aspects of consumption, psyche and exposure to carcinogens created the perfect conditions for the dormant cancer cells to thrive grow. I also believe that these conditions and the cancer can be reversed. I have read a vast amount of information in the various fields of medicine, science, alternate health since diagnosis, that give weight to this idea. I'm so convinced it's possible, yet I am just as terrified of taking such a leap of faith and going down the alternative route as I am of surgery. It would appear that when it boils down to it, like so many others who have gone before me, I'm just too scared to take such a leap of faith. Why? Because, there are just so many what ifs. There are so many criteria that need to met and conditions that need to be changed and quickly . I have full faith in the process of healing if you are able to uncover and rework all the triggers, but what if I cant! What if I miss something important! I fear failing myself and in doing so my loved ones. I know that there is no certain outcome either way. I fear regretting my decision. However, which ever route I take I may later wish I had taken the other but I will just have to find a way to live with that.

After much intensive research, many discussions, a lot of meditation and much indecision, I have finally decided to have the surgery. Frustratingly, I feel my decision is based primarily on weakness and fear rather than any strong belief in the conventional treatment. I wish that cats really did have 9 lives and that I were a cat, for then I could try out some of the most promising new ideas, clinical trials and other gentler alternative options to surgery but cats don’t have 9 lives and I'm not one anyway, so my ideal is not an option.

Although I'm not fully comfortable with the decision I've made to have surgery, I feel that doing so, and then looking at how I can treat myself alternatively once the true tumour has been removed probably offers me the best chance of getting it right and kicking cancer out for good.

I want to thank all my lovely friends and family for giving me the space I needed to arrive at this decision. Next time you all see me, I'll only have one tit but please don't stare, its rude! X x x