Monday.....

The last couple of days have been very difficult, the main factors being, breast cancer, exhaustion due to lack of sleep and finally Amanda's period.  Amanda has been even more frustrated than ever, furious that the arm, pit and chest are still so painful.  Even the nurse commented on how unusually heavily bruised it was,
as she was changing the dressing yesterday.  Amanda generally gets a very bad stomach on painkillers, and tends to feel nauseous too.  She hates nausea, I mean really hates it.  So now she has more medication.  Firstly a set to relieve nausea, then another set to allow her stomach to cope with the painkillers, and finally the painkillers.  She's rattling!  Oh, and the sleeping pills, which she hasn't really been taking.  Though I'm considering spiking her tonight, she needs sleep...... I need sleep.  Amanda knows I need sleep, because I become extremely impatient, and cranky, I can't seem to do anything to counter it either.  I need to be alone, away from all humans when I'm so mentally exhausted.  I think my eyes were bleeding, but the blood felt like grains of sand!  It's known as hyper exhaustion (well to me it is)..... 

Apparently, lack of sleep can lead to the following, have we been suffering these effects?  Let's see.

Increased chance of car accidents - I got out of the SmartCar on Friday, and watched it start to roll away..... It goes without saying I caught it, or maybe it was a combination of me grabbing it, and an empty fruit carton nestling under the drivers side front wheel, who knows?  It's only a toy car after all.

Increased body mass  -  Hell  no, if anything we are both fading away due to vegan (for Amanda), and vegetarian (ish) diets for me..... and no beer.... Yep, no beer!  I have had one bottle at the ballet (to stifle my thoughts of 'Mr Spray on Pants', and one after footy on Saturday..... That's in over 3 weeks.  Amanda has had nothing, as she is waiting to see if her tumour was Oestrogen driven.  If it was, alcohol increases Oestrogen production massively, so she wants to give it a miss.

Increase risk of diabetes and heart disease  -  I suffered a heart attack only yesterday!  Only a little one... Though it may well have been wind.

Increased risk for psychiatric conditions including depression and substance abuse  -  Definitely!  Amanda is nuts, and sad.... though I think this is also to do with her recent operation and the fact she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  If blue cheese has had a classification upgrade, I'm definitely abusing it.  There is a wedge that's been festering at the back of the fridge for a few weeks now, hidden behind a hedgerow of green leaves and veg.  It's the only flavour hit I've been receiving since diagnosis.  That and the aerosols of course.

Decreased ability to pay attention, react to signals or remember new information  -  I can't really tell if this is something that Amanda suffers from strictly due to lack of sleep, as I've been in the car with her too many times.... Red lights have watched in awe, as she has tootled through them, blissfully unaware of their presence.  Indicators are a vehicular bonus, only to be used if remembered.  Directions?  Forget it!  Ha ha!
Someone gave me the finger the other day, for pulling out on them (they were doing about 50mph in a 30mph)  I didn't react to them, and within 30 seconds had forgotten it had ever happened.  Therefore I didn't react to the single, or remember it had happened. So this one is a definite and resounding yes!

They missed out can make you cranky, frustrated and impatient.... But maybe that's just me.
Amanda was the same yesterday.  I'd make a point, she'd argue.  She'd make a point, I'd disagree, it was torment..... Awful, awful day.  Seeing as it was the last day of the river fishing season, I went out for a few hours to eliminate the chance of another heart attack, or my head exploding, leaving the walls covered in a bloody mess of cranial tissue and forgetful, argumentative grey matter. 
When I got there, all I done was think about my wife, and what the next step would be.  I try not to think about next Wednesday, and if I do I put a positive spin on it.  I only want to think positively - day by day.
Amanda has spoken about 'the dark side' a few times, I tell her there is no point thinking like that, as it will change nothing.  Nothing would prepare us for bad news, not even preparation can prepare us for bad news.  Only experience will let you deal with it.  So  for now, it's all good news, the tumour has been removed, the DCIS have been removed.... not all  good news obviously, somewhere amongst that lot was a nipple and a boob, but you know what I mean.  I've always had a fairly sunny disposition, though it's changed slightly as life threw the odd side winder at me, not that I've suffered many.  My Dad suffering MS and my wife suffering breast cancer is plenty I reckon.  To be fair, they are not even my sidewinder's.  I'm on the side line, helping and comforting where I can.  At least Amanda is taking steps to try and better her chances against cancer.  My Mum has a constant battle with my Dad, trying to help him stay healthy, trying to ensure he eats the right things.  But Dad is one of those folks that doesn't want to help themselves, he'd rather eat crap, and continue fuelling his body with things that may well harm him, but he likes the taste of these things as they dance over his tastebuds and down into his stomach.  He doesn't realise how much it upsets Mum, and of course my brother and I (doesn't matter how many times we tell you Dad, does it?). 
Amanda will do everything in her power to defeat and overcome any cancer cells that reside in her body, she has an immensely strong mentality (which does waver and get sad, like we all do), and she can stick rigidly to a healthy eating and drinking regime, if she feels it will do her good and allow her to lead a normal life, from here on in.
Last night we watched a movie in bed..... I hate seeing naked breasts in a movie now (it wasn't always like this, and I'm sure I will get back to normal at some point, please don't worry!). I think Amanda is just looking at them, and thinking stupid things about what I think. This is not the case! I'd always enjoyed naked women on the screen when Amanda had two boobs, I don't like them more than before because Amanda is one boob down. Now I just feel awkward when they bounce onto screen, and sad and worried as to what is running through her pretty little head.
At 11.30pm the film finished, she took two sleepers. We woke up at 5.30am!!! 5.30am!!!! Almost 6 hours of tremendous unbroken sleep! It was truly awesome. Amanda was in a lot of pain, as the medication had worn off. So she topped up, and grabbed another hour and a half, before 20 stone Robyn (she's a whisp of a thing, but stomps around on the heels of her feet, sounding like a baby elephant in the mornings) pounded her way toward the bathroom door, THUD, THUD, THUD, THUD, THUD, THUD, THUD.....SLAM! But regardless of the abrupt awakening, it was another 90 minutes of unbroken sleep. Tremendous!
We both felt like new people this morning (Tuesday).
At the moment, I just wish I could take away her pain.  She said last night, when we were still at the gentle warm up stages of speaking civilly to one another, 'if I got really ill would you just leave me?'.  This was because I needed to get out of the house yesterday, I needed fresh air, and silence, just for a few hours..... She knows I would never leave her, how could I?  She has my heart, I'm hers forever x.