Sunday March 13th....

Football on a Saturday has been my 'blow out', my 'release' from everything that has happened to my wonderful wife over the past three weeks.  Usually I tend to daydream alot, even when playing football, guarding the goals, whilst the ball is at the other end of the pitch, 'Oh, look a buzzard'..... General observations of the world around me.  I love the natural world, it's incredible.  But last week, and this week's matches have seen me incredibly focused, or as focused as I tend to get.  This is because I have only had two things in my mind,
Amanda and the match.  I thought I'd be useless, and be unable to concentrate, but I've got by (although one good friend told me - I'd kept them in the game, but I looked like a shadow), and the lads have played well.  We all need an escape from the 'the beast' ( I'm not referring to Amanda there, more so the poison that chose to inhabit her breast!), mine's usually fishing.  But it's so time consuming, I don't like to be away from Amanda too long, in case she needs me.  This last few days (end of the river season on Monday midnight)  would normally have been filled with fishing forays, roaming the river banks in pursuit of big chub and perch.... but this year cancer reared it's ugly head.  Normally we'd have been out cycling and jogging ( a bit!), but cancer rules the roost there too..... We may have enjoyed some delicious food somewhere.... You guessed it!  It's a time thirsty, selfish elephant in every room, and it must be beaten, flogged, thrashed, destroyed (I don't condone hurting pachyderms in anyway) !!!  I want my wife back.... We want our lives back.   All sounds very selfish doesn't it? 

OOoooh, I just got a big smooch, that was rather pleasing!!! 

Due to it's recent forced eviction, via scalpels and scrapers, my wife wakes up every night in absolute agony.  The painkillers having worn off, along with the muscles in the chest and arm having having stiffened over three or four hours, the pain increases unbearably.  This is always a horrible time, not only because it's happens around 3am, but because I'm having to see Amanda having to cope with such discomfort and pain.

We rented a stack of films last night, and half way through the second, I felt her head start to get heavy in my left hand (which you'll all be surprised to know, was stroking the said cranium.), her jaw had fallen slightly, her mouth ajar, she was actually asleep.  I held her heavy little bonce in the palm of my hand for ten minutes until she jumped herself awake, mumbled a bit, then fell asleep again.  I'd have carried her upstairs if every shape she made with her top half, had not needed to be carefully considered, to keep the pain at bay.  The next time she woke we put the film on the laptop and went up to bed.  She can't lie on her front at the moment (obviously), though I'm sure she struggled to do that anyway before the mastectomy ;-) but she is getting fed up of lying on her back.... it also leaves her wide open to sexual aerial attacks (a gentle approach of course) from her husband, which must have her on edge!!!
Another husband related problem she is having to suffer, comes from the constant 'stroking' requests.  If the request comes directly after the middle of the night painkiller session, I tend to start stroking her head gently, then stop, as I start to drift off, then wake up and continue, and drift off again for a minute or so... and so on.  Where the problem arises, is where I start to dream.  The stroking hand of joy and pleasure, can turn savage.  Last week as I slipped away into my subconscience, I was rudely attacked by an incredibly fast giant ant, this led to Amanda taking a nice slap to the top of her head.  Last night, she managed to escape fairly lightly with a couple of heavy head squeezes where my finger tips dug a little too heavily into her soft scalp.  I tend to wake up mid-assault, worrying I've caused my wife unneccesary pain.  It's more usually shock that Amanda suffers.  No one likes to be smacked across the head just as their dropping off to sleep.  It's unpleasant!

The dressing gets changed again tomorrow, the bruising is very intense, like a storm under the skin.  Purple to almost black in places.  This may just have been where Dehalvi took out his frustrations on her, maybe he forgot to insert the blade onto the scalpel for the first 5 minutes..... Gouging his way in with the cold, blunt, sterilised metal.... Maybe not though..... More than like likely this is just what happens after major surgery!
Poor love, hopefully the pain will become more bearable sooner rather than later, it must be so tiring for her.

Thanks again for all your lovely comments and your offers of help, it's all very much appreciated x

PS. I've not got my specs on, and I'm not intending to re-read and edit this post, as I'm tired.  Don't pick on me!  Thanks x

PPS.  Amanda and I would like to thank everyone who has become a follower.  If you still haven't, please click on 'become a follower'.  We then know you are receiving updates regarding Amanda's health.  It will  only take you 5 minutes.  Thanks again.