12 months? Unbelievable.... But True....

Lovely Amanda..

One year ago... at 2am tonight our lovely Amanda left her beautiful little shell behind.... We were all left torn apart... Does it really seem like a year to you all? No... Not me either...

Although I am acknowledging this date, it is a long stretch from the dates I feel happy to remember such as our anniversary in a few days or Amanda's birthday... I'll acknowledge this day because of the huge loss left in all our hearts on that Tuesday night.... The huge loss we all still nurse.

For me it's the same as every other day. I go to bed at night and I lie thinking about Amanda. I wake in the morning and I think about Amanda. During the day she'll flit in to my head on numerous occasions, but life continues on around my thoughts, and Amanda continues on around my life.

Those of you who followed www.completingourjourney.blogspot.com will have noticed how serendipitous events, kind and generous people and great experiences marked my path. Was this because what Amanda gave me whilst she was with me was a belief that people are good?  To judge no one and just share loving kindness with all you meet?  Was her energy influencing what happened or what I 'attracted' to myself?

On a number of occasions I came very close to boarding a plane home, my emotions were all over the place.  I was filled with tears on a daily basis, but I knew I would remain trapped within my own emotional tangle if I couldn't find a way to live with Amanda no longer being here. I've read many books, I've listened to the opinions of others, I've took on board great wisdom from empathetic people with similar experiences.... I suppose to sum it all up, I've shared.

Amanda's 'Selfie' Before Selfies were considered fashionable...

As I've said before, Amanda will continue to be with us all, in our hearts and minds. In words she said, in smiles, in laughter, in a touch, a hug, a cuddle or a kiss.... Her empathetic listening style, her willingness to totally immerse herself in the troubles of others, totally undistracted by all that went on around her, totally focused on that person... Just beautiful. She will continue to live on as we live on. No longer is she physical, she is now energy within each of us. Does this doesn't soften the sense of loss, maybe not, but at least there's a knowing her legend continues.

At midnight last night after 7 months of travelling I arrived back at my parents home.

Today I visited Amanda's bench with lilies and a bouquet from my folks. I sat for an hour with the warm sun on my face.  A pair of black Choughs (pronounced Chuff) with their bright curved beaks soared nearby making their distinctive namesake call.  Warblers flitted in the gorse and seals sung their melancholy song in the distance.  I don't think Amanda's bench could be anywhere more beautiful.  On my way back home I visited the cemetery where the majority of Amanda's ashes lie with her much loved Grandma who also died of cancer at a young age... In addition to words written for Amanda's Grandma, the new inscription on the new headstone reads, 'Amanda Jo Boyd Loving Wife, Mother, Sister and Daughter.' Seeing the words on a headstone really does bring it home.... On a headstone....Thank you to Colleen, Aunty Linda & Uncle Norman for getting the new headstone which marks Amanda's physical resting place with her Grandma.

Tonight I'll be drifting around the south of the island.... I'll be out and about at 2am.... Maybe the skies will clear and I'll watch meteors burning across the sky whilst I sit on Amanda's bench.  If the wind is in the right direction, or has dropped away I will scatter the remainder of her ashes from the bench.

I pray Amanda is having a wonderful time in some heavenly dimension or a new reincarnated body... What body wouldn't want that beautiful soul she possessed, that soul she made grow and grow, leading it through this physical and mental test we know as life?

Thanks again to everyone for the past 12 months. And I do mean everyone. When my heart and mind were tested there was reason. I learned strength and forgiveness, but not before a sense of regret and deep sadness. I learned that most do not mean to hurt with words, but when negative words are uttered or written regret does follow. Everyone who crossed my path, who lent an ear, who comforted me when teary explosions intervened at seemingly inappropriate moments, those who offered kindness and generosity, thank you all so much. 

1st June 2014 - Still Roaming...

Has this bout of travelling helped soften the pain suffered by beautiful Amanda being taken so early in her life by cancer?  No.  No it hasn't.   My faith in the kindness of human beings as a whole has been bolstered.  It wasn't restored as I'd never believed anything different.

I just want Amanda to be here with me enjoying herself.  Enjoying life.  She had reached such a happy content point in her journey.  She was so full of love and kindness, she'd reached a place where at long last she felt truly happy.  This had taken time and effort on her behalf.  Choosing to be with someone who loved her unconditionally helped.

I continue to read spiritual books.  Maybe they help.  Maybe they don't.  But I know one thing for certain, Amanda would have had me reading them.  She had me reading them to her at night.  She also wanted me to enjoy them, to be open to their prose.  I was.  And I am.  I do enjoy this type of literature.

Sometimes I feel they hint toward leaving the past behind.  Forgetting about the past.  Or at least letting it go.... I suppose it's letting it go, rather than forgetting about it.  Learning to control attachment to the past.  Which is probably wise.  It's wise but I fight it.  I am attached to the past.  I am still attached to Amanda, to my love, my best friend, my wife.

I continue to aim towards living in the here and now.  Being present to what is on offer and what I can give back.  I practice this rigorously.  But my longing to be with Amanda still lingers deep in my heart and soul.

When we did experience difficult times she often talked about 'setting me free'.  It used to annoy me.  I'd tell her it wasn't her choice to keep or free me.  I loved her it was my choice to be there with her.  My romantic shackles were self selected.  They fitted well and I loved them.  I never felt trapped or encumbered by our relationship.  I loved it.... As I type this post at 9.15pm in Homer Alaska, a beautiful huge bald headed eagle glides past the patio window set against the back drop of a deep blue sky and snow capped mountains.  Sounds good doesn't it.  A few years ago it would have blown my mind.

Without the 'sharing' part, it's just something I see, register and share with you.

I will return to the Isle of Man for the anniversary of Amanda's passing.  I long for her to be here, as we all do.  Robyn her daughter, her family and friends..... We all long for Amanda's cheeky smile to light up the room, or her ever 'willing to listen' ears to be there to share our emotions and feelings.  We can still do this.  I do.

I don't want to focus on the date that Amanda's life ended.  I would rather have my focus placed on her birthday or our anniversary.... But even these dates are just dates.... I suppose what I am doing is selecting certain days to acknowledge the great times we shared, but I do that every day in my head.  I suppose there's no protocol as to how we celebrate Amanda's time with us.... So with that in mind I'll just roll with it.

I go on wandering and wondering, as do we all.

Love.

x

Seeing Love in my Daydreams.....

I sit where ever I'm sat.... I look out the window where ever I am and I imagine Amanda sitting, walking or pottering.  I can see her... It feels like she's there.  I smile briefly then remember she is not here with me any longer, but for my heart and mind.  Then the sadness cracks open my heart and mind, the fissure reaches deep in to belly and I feel lost without my wonderful, loving lady.  I feel no where.  And at times over recent months that's where I am physically as well as mentally, absolutely no where.
Don't get me wrong I smile I have fun I even try to make others smile, but the shallowness of these sensations cannot pierce the deep longing I have to hold my wife, to make her smile and laugh, to see her roll her eyes at me as I do something silly..... or something brave, courageous or kind to impress her....
Amanda has been gone a mere 8 months and 12 days.... It's a drop in the ocean of life, unless life is as short as Amanda's was of course, then it's more than a drop.... But it feels like a drop.

Her passing will always be as vivid as the weeks before her body gave up and the night her heart finally let her rest.  These are heart wrenching memories we all share.  Memories like these never fade.... But then I must remember neither will the memories Amanda and I created ourselves through choice.  Our not so average everyday spent together.  Our beautiful trips away on holiday together or with friends, our adventures travelling Asia.... Our love, our shared life.  From the initial complexities of Amanda's life in her early thirties to a transition of peace, laughter and beauty.  How beautiful our life became, how tragic our life became.

Oh Amanda how I love you so so much.

I've changed the music on the blog to a song called Mirrorball by Elbow.  I used to think of Amanda when she was with me when I heard this song.  It's meanings have changed, but it still applies to our lives, but just in a different way now.



I hope to find her one day.... In another life.... I can only hope.

Still Travelling, Still Missing......

As I travel through India with Amanda in my heart and mind, resting my weary head in pokey little rooms where my little shrine of images are placed as soon as I'm settled, I continue to muse over the many questions regarding life and death.

I seem to feel more emotional whilst travelling between destinations, these emotions more often than not end up in tears. I think these travelling times were where we relied on one another. Our strengths and weaknesses covering one another. In addition to the support there was always the smiling eyes, laughter, talk and touch..... All with a woman who wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and me with her. I continue to remind myself how lucky we both were to find one another and to fight for one another from when we first met until 'death did us part.'

I'm still with Amanda, it's obvious to everyone I meet. I think that due to this relationship any girls who travel with me for a short time feel safe, one girl Gemma, thought Amanda was still with me. She thought I'd left her back in the UK.

I don't want to bore you with the focus on my feelings. They are unimportant, they are nothing compared to Amanda's life being cut short. I choose, well we all choose our feelings. To feel sad is a choice, it's not something forced upon us by a situation. It's in our minds. Most of us do not realise this simple fact of life. We only think negatively if we choose to do so, we can end up feeling depressed due to a loss of mental control, a loss of presence and awareness. It's up to us where we place our focus. I feel sad because I choose to feel sad. I often think of the great times that make me smile. That made us both really smile.

I continue to ponder the theories of destiny and reincarnation.

A few months ago I considered the suggestions which allude to our paths of destiny having already been mapped out. Not to say we have no real choices in life that allow us to determine our own path through life, rather we are on a wide track which travels through a dense forest, off this track there are many trails to choose from, these choices/paths determine what events we experience along our journey. This life starts with birth and ends with death.

But now I question this theory.

Why would our life expectancy increase steadily as it has over the years with more of us surviving child birth plus improvements in water quality and medical developments (surgery). Why would destiny a type of timeless 'magical' predetermination of all our lives allow itself to be influenced by human modernisation? Why would 'Destiny' adhere to the modernisation of human evolution? If 'Destiny' exists I would assume it is a more powerful force than everything invented or improved by humans? Do you see where I'm coming from?

I'm not sure we were set to be born and expire at a predetermined age according to the laws of destiny or 'The Gods'. The simple fact that we are tending to experience slightly longer lives muddles this theory for me.

Cancer, diabetes, stroke and various heart conditions seem to have replaced the old diseases that man managed to eradicate or at least control, such as small pox, typhoid and tuberculosis. Whilst cancer, diabetes and heart problems exist there will be a continued culling of the young and old.

I always end up thinking that somehow I could have saved Amanda, that she could still be here, laughing, smiling and being. But I'll never know, as I won't get the chance.

It will never matter that others believe we did all we could. Or the ones that believe she made the wrong choices, even though they know little of the actual results and failure of conventional treatment. The five percent success rate in certain cancers associated with chemotherapy could simply be down to genes, placebo effect, nutrition, mental disposition or something greater. Who knows? This could also be said for the alternative success rates.

Maybe this 'something greater' is 'Destiny'.

In all the years I knew Amanda I don't think I ever failed her. I saved her, protected her, loved her and nurtured her, as she did me. We made each another laugh, smile and cry. We brought joy to one another. Our intense love and commitment enhanced our lives.

Could I really have saved Amanda this time? I believe somehow I could..... Maybe this is something I need to work on. No matter what I believe, a chain of events conspired to take this beautiful woman away. No amount of grief or 'what ifs' will bring her back.

I truly hope there is something bigger and better after this life, or that reincarnation really occurs..... I don't have faith.... But I do have hope..... and while we have hope there is always a chance.

Travels are still difficult, I miss Amanda so much, but there's nothing I can actually do about this missing, this longing, this aching. I continue to experience the series of events we know as life. I aim to find enjoyment and peace, to give love and kindness where ever I can. That's it really.

www.completingourjourney.blogspot.com

Amanda my Spirit Guide & Yoga Nidra in Gokarna

With Valentine's Day out of the way and the big smoke of Pune almost a distant memory I am now enjoy some deep mind time at Shankar Prasad, Yoga and Meditation Ashram in Gokarna.
This is the place we raised the money for at Amanda's funeral.  It funded the children's natural playground and part of the development of the little pre schooL which is located on site.

I have been getting deep with guided visualisations through Yoga Nidra.
I am the third day in participating in a 5 day advanced Yoga Nidra course, which is all about getting deep with your subconscious or if not the subconscious, a place of stillness where the mind can help you apply your full focus on the things that you desire most.  Yoga Nidra can be very useful in building self confidence and self esteem to addressing insomnia, phobias or emotional hang ups.
The guided Yoga Nidra nearly always encompasses a specific aim or desire, something you long or hope to have in your life.  This could be from health for yourself, your family, wealth or success in your chosen role in life.  You visualise a spirit guide to take you on your chosen type of Yoga Nidra.  This can be someone or thing such as deity, a God, a famous person from the past whom you respect or/and love, or indeed a lost loved one.
Each day as you would expect my 'spirit' or subconscious guide tends to be (what I mean by this is 'always is') Amanda.  She can also be represented by the emotions and memories that arise that i am trying to deal with.  Either way I get to be with my beloved Amanda in my mind.  Not just as a passing thought, but as single one point focus, deep visualisation, all whilst under a very relaxed meditative state.
One of the stages of Yoga Nidra is to visualise energy travelling through the single parts of the body, starting at the thumb of the right hand then working through the right hand side of the body, then the left, then the front and back..  This sensation or visualisation  can be made easier through using various mental techniques.  I like to imagine Amanda giving me a slow and gentle Thai Massage.  It works perfectly.  I can visualise (imagine) her smiling, massaging, whilst simultaneously commenting on the the Swami's guided Yoga Nidra as we she works through.  It brings a contented smile to my face.
Inevitably at some point, as I lie there, due to the nature of Yoga Nidra, where you go mentally and Amanda no longer being here, tears well up and spill out from the corners of my eyes in to my hair.  As I said, I feel this is an inevitable process due to the memories that are housed in my mind.  Missing someone intensely, creates longing, a sense of loss, a sense of never again.

There are some wonderfully sensitive people here at Shankar Prasad in Gokarna.  One such person is Marion.  She is a German lady.  She was lay on the mat next to mine during our second Yoga Nidra, she said afterwards she could feel an intense wave of sadness coming from me during the process.  Later Marion spotted me sat alone, tucked up beside a big haystack, drying myself out.  She brought me over a little purple flower, 'For an angel' she said.  Very sweet indeed.  Later that evening I was looking at my pictures of Amanda, and she came and sat beside me.  She sat chatting with me, showing great empathy as I proceeded to put her through my full 'Amanda Photograph Album'.  How kind of her to sit and allow me to share.  I even got the impression she enjoyed it.  Images full of love, laughter and fun.  She had many questions which maintained my assumed level of interest.  A truly lovely lady.

Another English lady who arrived yesterday for three days, told me about her own experience of loss.  Just over twenty years ago she had been in a relationship for 3 years.  During this time, she had gotten married, had a child and become a widow.  Her daughter was only 15 months old when her husband headed out to work on his bicycle.  That was the last time she spoke to him.  He was knocked off his bicycle by a police car and died in hospital a few hours later.  I wondered was this better or worse process of losing someone. I quickly realised there is no 'better' way to lose.  This lovely lady never got to say goodbye forever, but nor did Robyn or I.  Even with all the time I spent by Amanda's side caring and loving I never expected her to die.  So we never said goodbye, she just slipped in to a non communicative state, then in to unconsciousness due to the river of morphine which was constantly being pumped in to her body.  All of us who loved and cared for Amanda also had to watch  her suffering much discomfort for many months.  Maybe disappearing and having a quick exit from this dimension is the way forward for everyone.  But I doubt it makes it any easier for those left behind.  The same gaping explodes through the heart and soul and steadfastly remains by love lost.  Slow death, fast death, this hole is no smaller, it's no shallower.

After today's third Yoga Nidra the lovely English lady approached me with an knowing and empathetic smile.  I think she had a experienced a similar process today.  Her spiritual guide and support coming from her deceased partner, her loss being the same.  She told me you never forget and that there will always be a hole, but you learn to live with the loss.  I think I knew this already.  I don't ever want to forget, I don't think anyone who has loved fully and lost that love ever wants to let go of their beautiful memories.   Amanda was such an influence on me I will always feel proud to quote her, and use her non judgmental behaviour, generosity and kindness as a perfect example of how to share and care for others, from family and friends to total strangers in need.

Today one of the younger students was upset by the way the Swami spoke to her.  This lovely Israeli girl is aware of her own personal troubles, but wants to deal with them.  To become a better human being. Like so many of us.  But in this instance there seems to be a clash.  Today I saw her leaving a class in tears.  I left her for a few minutes then went and sat with her as she sobbed.  She told me her troubles with the Swami.  The Swami has a tendency at times to be a little regimental and domineering, but the girl has a also has a little rebel in her.  This is where the clash arises I feel. She briefly disclosed some of her personal problems.  I briefly ran through Amanda's life story, stating how the tragedy and suffering she experienced had turned her in to a determined, strong willed, love filled soul.  I hope her story inspired this girl.  I advised her not to run away, but to be strong and front up to the situation.  Give it another 24 hours and see what happens.  This is what she is doing.  Hopefully it will work out.  If not at least she has tried.

AMANDA & SWAMI-JI
WHERE THE PLAYGROUND WILL BE.

I have been helping in the kitchen with Sudha, the cook.  Amanda loved Sudha, they were always giggling and smiling, neither one able to speak or understand the other's language.  They managed to communicate through hand gestures and chalk drawings.  They still talked to one another in their own languages it's difficult not to when trying to communicate.  I'm doing the same thing with Sudha now.
Yesterday when I was working on the laptop, Sudha came and sat beside me.  I brought up pictures from when we were here last year.  Sudha took many photo's on her mobile of the images on the screen.... Then she wanted to see more and more.  I of course happily obliged.  She took mobile phone pictures of the photo's of our wedding, big smiley photo's of Amanda, all sorts of holiday shots.  It was really sweet to see Sudha wanting these pictures of Amanda.  Very touching.

AMANDA & SUDHA

It's good for me here.  But in a few days I'll move on.

Love to you all.

xxx

Valentine's Eve

Valentine's eve, I knew it would sneak up eventually. Its just a date. So far there's been 176 dates. I don't think it will be noticeable here in India. But it's still resides in my heart and mind. It travels with me like all dates, like Amanda does in my heart.

Amanda in one of her shirt designs for her degree course and one of our Venetian Mask from our Honeymoon.
She looks beautiful!

Amanda and I didn't really buy in to the commercial side of Valentine's, but I always ended up planning something romantic for her, for us.

It always involved making at least one card the day before. More often than not it was two, one funny and one romantic with a rhyme or poem, reminding her how much I loved her. She never really needed reminding....she knew how loved and adored she was. It was something we shared regularly. Not just the words 'Love You' in passing, but really holding one another's eyes, looking deep within. Sometimes those three little words weren't even required. The feeling was deeper and more intense than any spoken word could match. Go sit and look in to the eyes of your partner for one full minute this evening..... Stay until you feel the love pouring out. It's beautiful.

Amanda would also allow her craft skills to come out, and I'd receive a hand made card, sometimes slightly recycled, one she'd kept from the year before and reworked, ha ha! Whatever it was it always made me smile, and what ever she wrote always moved me. She chose her words beautifully and carefully. That was Amanda.

So here I am in Pune, near Mumbai. I'm sat over looking the city from the 8^th floor of The Meridien Hotel. Titch, here on business, has been kind enough to allow me to use his room for writing. I've been working for 7 hours straight, writing travel articles then submitting them to various papers, magazines and websites hoping for that lucky break. Amanda would tell me to keep at it, have faith, if you believe you will succeed that's exactly what happens, she'd assure me. She would remove my hesitancy and fear replacing it with self belief. Amanad was great at instilling positivity within others.

Tomorrow there'll be no cards and cuddles in the morning.

There'll be no finer than normal home cooked romance filled meal for two.

There'll just be me.

It's been like that for some time now.

Valentine's Day, a valuable commercial ruse, can be used as a gentle reminder to refocus on what so many of us take for granted each day. Someone to share with, someone who we cherish, someone who cherishes us. Someone we want to share everything with, someone we want to spend as much time with as we can. Someone so special we wouldn't think twice about laying our own life on the line to save theirs. But remember it should just be a reminder.... Every day with your partner is precious, a joy to behold. So behold each day, treasure every moment. The ups the downs, the laughter, the tears. One day hopefully many many years from now there will come a time where it will be just one of you remembering, reminiscing about the touch of a hand, the caress of a face. The warm breath on your neck. That gentle whisper, the spoken word, or the cheeky giggle.

There'll be tears with these memories. Some will be sad, but some may be warm tears, ones that are generated from the memories of smiles, laughter, giggles and fun. This evening there have been both. My eyes are currently rest in a misty purgatory between the sadness of my wife no longer walking with us all here on earth and those beautiful memories created from our time shared together.

Love with all your heart and all your worth, be courageous and free. There is nothing to fear when love is true and whole. You are blessed.

Keep well.

Mark

x

More Questions & Dreams....

Why am I here in India? What am I doing? What's the point?

I have no real conclusive answer to any of these questions, they are just a hand full of questions I continue to pose to myself every quiet moment... Like when I lie my head down at night, or sip a chai during the day.

Tracking back over the places Amanda wanted to visit, places I wanted to be because she was there. She's not there now, but I still yearn to visit these places to simply feel her energy, a connection, just knowing they were places she sought answers, solace and peace. Places we shared troubles, smiles and love. Maybe it's as simple as that, maybe there are no answers. Maybe I'm just trying to find ways to continue my relationship with my wife, desperate to find her in physical places she no longer resides. 

Outdoor Shower at Nilitangham

But just maybe being in these places allows my memories to be more vivid, almost real, touchable, smell-able and taste-able. Maybe this journey is simply allowing me to process our last few months of freedom together. Again, I don't know.

Clearing the paths at Nilitangham.

I miss Amanda daily, even in my best efforts to immerse myself in an activity I have a great passion for such as photography, I still finish the day deflated.... However much of a positive spin I try to apply to gee myself up, Yes there is joy, it is there, it's just so inferior to what I used to know.

I think the fact I brought no fishing gear along with me suggested that this was to be more of a journey of discovery and self exploration than fun, adventure and joviality. I should have seen the signs when the fishing gear looked longingly at me as I pondered over whether it would accompany me on this trip or not. It was always the first thing to be packed in the past. It was what I would leave out to make room for the fishing gear, not the other way around. Clothes usually, that's what I usually left behind. For heaven's sake even Amanda built a promise in to her wedding vows that she would never stop me fishing.... She always yearned to have a passion for a hobby or interest like I had with my fishing. She never understood my obsession with sitting by water waiting patiently to see if any fish actually existed in the nearby wetness, but she always appreciated the passion I had for it. Where has that passion gone? Did it die with my wife? I had it before I knew her, and all the while we shared our lives together.... Can it just disappear? I don't think that passion has suddenly been transferred to another interest, as I just don't feel it in anything I do..... I get close with the photography, but much of the time I do it hoping it will please others in what they see. Fishing was just for me. Being at one with nature. Sitting patiently. Sitting still. Being fully present. Maybe this is where my true meditation always lay?

I was lying in bed an hour ago... It was only seven thirty, but sleep had evaded capture most of the previous night, and tonight my mind is racing, now it's 1.30am. I decided to meditate. Allow my mind to clear and become still, sat on my bed in the full lotus position, focused on slow, controlled continuous breathing. I then decided to carry out a Vipassana style meditation, a 'loving kindness' meditation. I focused on all those who loved Amanda, trying to empathise with their loss, trying to understand their sadness. I started with Robyn, then Colleen.... and that's as far as I got, because my focus shifted to the night Amanda passed away, and Colleen and I cried and held one another as we stood by her peacefully still body.... I started to cry, and my meditation was complete. I had no desire to continue....

I dreamed of Amanda a couple of nights ago, a long involved dream.....

I had been wearing my little elm ashes pendant on my wrist for a couple of weeks, as my little neck lace had perished due to the constant humidity. The day before yesterday I visited my friends at the Bamboo Centre in Auroville and sat with one of the ladies on the floor.  She was making bamboo trinkets. I asked her if she could find me some cord that I could use to make a new neck lace. Ten minutes later Amanda's ashes were hanging securely around my neck settled back against my heart.

That night was the night I dreamed about her.

Sadly it was all based around her final days and nights. It was all very real, but the location was different. We were in hospital rather than her sister's home.... It was sad to relive again... Everything was so vivid, so emotional, so real. I woke actually holding the pendant tightly in my hand. I felt very sad indeed. Dreams can have such impact. Having not had such a dream since Amanda passed away I forgot how much real emotion they can invoke.  Dreams can totally displace you again.

Amanda's time here with us all was special. So many of us learned from her in her latter years, so many respected her, some simply appreciated her physical beauty, some her emotional, generous, kind and non judgemental mind, most who knew her appreciated all these qualities

I constantlyI always think Amanda would have made a great old lady.... wise, witty and kind. Full of adventurous stories for her nieces and possible grandchildren, and maybe in previous lives she was, and maybe in future lives she will be again. I don't think any of us are being selfish wishing that she had been that wise, witty and kind old lady in this life, so we could witness, share and enjoy her words, stories, smiles and naughty little laugh. I'd do anything to see those big beautiful eyes with 80 year old wrinkles around them, her silvery hair tied up in a roll or bun and her gentle soul kindly smiling out on the world. We would be sharing a big pot of ginger tea whilst I read her a story from her chosen book of the moment..... I know this is not being present. Nor is it reminiscing.... This is simply known as dreaming.....   

Miss Amanda So Much - Sad and Confused Day.....

What if all I'm good for now is thinking about my beautiful wife, constantly focused on our great highs and our little lows, on the most wondrous of loves, on her struggle over her final months.... This is all I feel good for. It's all I can focus on. It's all I want to focus on. I don't want 'the healing' to start, I don't need to be healed.... I don't need to be part of a healing process. I just want to hold Amanda in my arms, her head lay on my chest.... This can't happen I know, but letting go isn't going to happen either.... So where on earth does that leave me I wonder? Where does it leave anyone who has lost someone so beloved to them? How do they cope? I simply can't understand. It's far harder here, away from friends and family who love me, and who I love dearly. I was hoping this time alone would help. Maybe it will or maybe it's just a waste of time. All I know is that my heart and mind ache, full of Amanda. Every minute of every day.... I don't see how I will ever miss her less. I don't want to miss her less. But I don't want to hold on to the pain that makes everyone else miserable around me either.  I know what I should be doing, what I'd have expected from Amanda had it been the other way around. But I know only too well she would have been in a similar if not worse state emotionally. I tried to do things that felt right to celebrate Amanda's life, photo albums, blogs a beautiful hand engraved bench, but none of these things mean anything do they? Amanda isn't here..... It's lovely and easy for people to say 'Amanda will always be with you', and nice things like that, but I can't see her beauty in the flesh, I can't touch her face, hold her snugly as I kiss her, I can't hear her voice, her laugh.... I can't look in to her beautiful eyes. There's a lot of 'I can''ts' isn't there? This is what makes me very weak.

I should be focused on what I have in life, what we all have. Yet here I am focused on Amanda not being here. All my focus is concentrated in this den of self pity and sadness. Longing for something that can never be. I read Amanda's cards that she gave to me over the years and my cards to her. A card from 2012 said, 'I hope I get better for you, for us both, so we can live our dreams together'. When I think about that it makes me so sad. There was so much more for Amanda, so many experiences.... So much love and sharing.... So many things she would have loved to see.... Seeing Robyn grow up, get married, have kids, then all the things she would have done with me or on her own.... Sighhhhhhh....

I've cried a lot this afternoon. It's becoming standard. Eventually I'll dehydrate, and they'll find a crispy dried out Boyd.

I still have so many questions. A lot are to do with the medications used in providing pain relief for cancer. The super heavy ones they save especially for cancer patients. I suppose it's like the chemo and radiation. They are saved for cancer patients because the doctors, nurses and specialists don't hold out too much hope for them. Their life expectancy is less than that of people the same age who are not suffering (or have not officially been diagnosed) with cancer.  The heavy side affects of all these 'treatments' even of the pain relief causes serious damage to the liver and kidneys..... Once this starts to happen in a weakened body with a weakened immune system things seem to be downhill.

I continue to read the experience of others who have suffered or are suffering cancer. Those who have researched their treatments and understand them. Understand the risks. Those who choose conventional well known 'halting' treatments and those who take a punt on alternative courses of treatment for halting or full healing. I still support Amanda fully in her choices. We met people who these treatments worked for. In fact after 8 months of Gerson Therapy Amanda was in great shape, all her bloods, her liver and kidney function were all perfect. This is where you wonder what if she'd been able to stick it out for 18 months or 2 years?  But I will always be left to wonder.  Ours is not to force others against their will, for it is their life, their own experience  Would the same result have come about anyway, which ever method Amanda had chosen?  Maybe this young age was destined to be her end?  I continue to question this over and over.  If this were the case and she had felt forced to do chemotherapy by all who have no knowledge of this treatment, just the assumption that it is standard practice for cancer patients, the standard protocol, it would have simply meant she would have missed out on travelling SE Asia and India, learning more about Buddhism, life and death. Finding her own heart and mind in the process. We'll never know because all any of us get is one shot at this particular life, then hopefully some more shots in another incarnation.... and that's where I hope to meet my love again.... But then I also think it won't really matter because I won't remember her anyway. I may have met Amanda many times over the millenia according to the reincarnation theorists.... and I didn't remember her this time.... Maybe that's what makes it so special and wonderful.

I'm going to watch the peacocks come home to roost.

Night night x

Next day:

Feeling a little better again, things planned.  People to see.....

Questions continue to be fired at my subconscious mind..... Maybe they always will.

Visiting our last place in India together..... What would Amanda be doing now?

The journey from Varkala went as perfectly as an Indian journey can ever hope to go.  Maybe I was being assisted by my beautiful spirit guide, maybe the universe was taking pity, maybe it was all just chance that it went so swimmingly, but what I do know is that I was wanting to go there.  I was being drawn to Auroville.  Before I left some suggested going to places we had last been together would simply be torturing myself, but I hoped for something different.  I decided to take a chance and see what would happen to my heart and mind.

As I took the dirt track out to Nillitangham, the little forest getaway that was our home for the final couple of weeks of our cut short Indian adventure, I felt a strange home coming.  I mean, it was strange.  Especially as we had only stayed here for two weeks.  I arrived at Nillitangham, chatted with Ambre, the French lady that runs this small settlement of 'buildings' and for the first night agreed that I could sleep in my tent under the stars, until the little hobbit house was free.  The double one Amanda and I stayed in was already in use.

I wandered around the dusty sand pathways amongst the mango trees, bushes and flowers.   I remembered how much Amanda wanted to remain here in this quaint Garden of Eden that provided us with fresh fruit to eat and beautiful birds, animals and insects to watch and listen to.

I hooked my little laminated wallet pictures of Amanda and I on the inside of my mesh tent.  I wouldn't need the fly sheet, there would be no rain.  I could just lie looking at the stars and dream of Amanda.

Auroville, the first of a couple of places in India that Amanda and I visited together. Some folks advised me against going to places we had been together, suggesting that I may just be torturing myself. But Auroville has lured me here.... You can read about it on the travel blog I'm doing my best to keep www.completingourjourney.blogspot.com

Does it feel torturous? No, not torturous.... Does it evoke difficult memories? Yes.... Yes it does. Bitter sweet memories, ones that sit heavy in my heart as well as my mind.

But I continue to try and cope with my emotions. I practice yoga and meditation daily, though I know I am not committing enough time for the meditation. I'm distracted by the things I have planned for myself to do. Maintaining a blog, capturing images and small movie clips, these are all very time consuming activities..... I possibly need to find a silent retreat. 10 days with no media distraction, no contact with the outside world. Oh... I don't really know what I need to be honest... Just my wife back, but I have to be realistic....

I'm enjoying it here at Nilatangham in Auroville. The peacefulness the immersion in nature. But each day I seek a connection with the outside world, rather than bringing focus to my inner terrain, my subconscious, the ruler of my decisions, emotions and actions. I recently read that approximately 95% of our actions come about from the subconscious mind. This is due to the way we have all been conditioned throughout our lives. Parents, teachers and the Media all play roles in the shaping of us as today's social materialist human beings. Conditioning is not necessarily all bad, after all parents and teachers only want the best for us, but they have learned what they now from their parents and teachers, and so on.  So conditioning is conditioning. This conditioning subconsciously removes choice. We are totally unaware of how our subconscious effects our every decision and every action. We need to bring our subconscious to the forefront, we need to understand it, see it, feel it, recognise it, then all our thoughts, words and actions will become conscious..... fully aware of everything we think, say and do. Wouldn't that be lovely. This is what I need to recognise now.

I'm clearly avoiding immersing myself fully in to my grief about my love, my darling Amanda. Every now and again I let it happen. I sit and reminisce. The beautiful thoughts, the painful thoughts, the funny thoughts.... the painful thoughts again....

I see Amanda weeding the paths here at Nilitangham, knelt down in her purple skirt and pink vest top.... I see us sitting having breakfast as the butterflies and birds zip about us. The geckos grabbing insects from the ceiling of the little kitchen. I see us having our evening meal as the peacock struts along the dusty path before flapping loudly to reach his roost in the tree next to the dining area..... I cry as I remember how Amanda's pain became worse, and moving about became painful.  I cry when I remember her asking me, 'Am I dying?', I hugged her and said of course you're not dying.... She cried.  Amanda felt there was more wrong that what the hospital had told her.  These are the thoughts that fill me with tears.  Her face, her eyes looking deep in to mine.  

Then today as I sat looking at the golden disc covered Matrimandir, I watched us both in the distance walking around this amazing structure in awe of it's presence. I remembered us sitting beneath the Banyan Tree to the left of the Matrimandir on New Year's Eve..... Watching the candles flicker, the flames lighting the floating lotus flowers which drifted in the water filled golden discs. We watched the shadows of people coming and going..... Just me and Amanda.... We headed to the Tibetan Pavillion afterwards for the chanting, then to The Visitors Centre for their New Year's Eve buffet.  All in all it was a very special and spiritual evening.  I cry again, even harder. Sat there looking toward the golden ball as people take photo's all around me. They laugh and smile.... I wish I could have feel some of their joy. But I can't. I miss Amanda too much. All the time I wonder what would she be doing now if she was here.... Where would we be? Would we be running our little organic cafe? Would we be planning a snowboarding adventure? Would we be running yoga and meditation classes together? She would be doing something wonderful, and I would be sharing in her joy, laughter, smiles and tribulations.... We shared everything. Amanda would have loved my plan to capture a star trail image of the Matrimandir. She would have been 'the distraction' chatting to the security guy who could not resist her gentle smile and beautiful big eyes.... Whilst she asked him a question, I'd leap over the hedge and wait for everyone else to leave. I'd meet Amanda for dinner at the Visitors Centre....Though I may be locked in.  She would find me later, and we would chat through the fence.  I'd have to sleep rough for the night, Amanda would pick me up in the morning. There's the plan, but with no partner in fun and adventure my plan falls short. Having someone to share the smiles and laughter if things go wrong or go right for that matter is what makes adventures fun.... My spirit of adventure now wanders lonely .... It doesn't have as much fun, or seek as much excitement as when my little soul mate was by my side. Making Amanda smile, laugh, roll her eyes at me or feel proud of me, was everything I lived for until cancer came in to our lives almost 3 years ago.

Whilst at the Matrimandir viewing point this evening I met a German pilot on a 4 day stop over with his Lufthansa crew. They would fly out from Chennai on Thursday. We got talking, I was telling him how stunning and serene it was inside..... Of course I got on to the subject of Amanda. I ache to talk about her, tell everyone how wonderful she was, how wonderful she is..... How beautiful she is. He started off very deeply indeed, pleased to be talking about such a subject. He was a staunch believer that we all come around again, and that those who affect our lives, be it family, lovers or friends will all come together again, be it here on earth, as in reborn, reincarnation, or in another dimension..... It was lovely talking with him for those few minutes. We even exchanged email addresses. His beliefs made me feel a little better as we were ushered out for last orders at the Matrimandir viewing point.

I ambled along the dusty orange track to my motorcycle, taking in the truly stunning flower bushes. I rode slowly back to Nilitangham to watch the peacock return to it's roost in the tree by the dining area.

Amanda's Ashes.....

Today was an emotional day... As many are in fact, as those amongst you who have also lost know exactly what I mean.  But today was more so.  We had arranged to place some of Amanda's ashes in her Nan's plot at the cemetery in Malew.  At 10am I would meet Amanda's Mum, Step-dad, Sisters, Nephew his girlfriend and my Mum.

At 9.45am I picked up the heavy purple box, which had sat on my bedside table since August.  I carried it in both hands to the car.  Earlier on in the morning I set some of Amanda's ashes aside in a little intricately hand carved marble box.  It was Amanda's.  It's a stunning little thing, with wonderful patterning along with a depiction of Buddha.  These particular ashes are to be scattered at some of Amanda's favourite places here on the Isle of Man and in the UK, plus places that she would have loved, which will happen as I travel.
I pulled up on the roadside and lifted the purple box from the passengers seat.  I could see everyone waiting in the cemetery.  I felt overwhelmed and cried as I