Christmas & New Year....

For most this is a truly wonderful time of year.... But for many it's a time where loneliness creates a deep, deep pit, the fact that it's a baubel and tinsel filled pit adds no joyous merriment for these sorrow filled souls.

Every day there is an overwhelming sense of a huge part of my being missing, but Christmas Day really did turn the knife.  At 10am (way after Santa had been around the houses) I got in to my car and set about driving to one of mine and Amanda's favourite haunts. As I drove a soft welling of emotion just below my solar plexus caused me to weep gently. The empty roads were a misty blur.. After driving here and there I was finally lead to 'The Sound' (Lands End of Mann) where Amanda's bench is to be placed, over looking the rugged sea swept coastline.  Here the light drizzle of tears turned in to a torrential downpour, with a cold front of heavy shoulder shaking thrown in for good measure.  I stood in the wind staring at the waves, I sobbed and sobbed.  Then I turned and walked back towards my car and drove home. I pulled up outside the house checked the rear view mirror for the state of my eyes (I was wearing no mascara or eye liner, so neither had run), then headed in. I spent the day with my family, chatting, eating smiling. I made a Christmas Candle Wreath for Amanda's place at the table. I tousled her favourite red and gold silk scarf around the wreath.  It was lovely.  

Once darkness fell and the stars were visibly twinkling in the night sky for the first time in over 10 days, I headed to an old derelict cafe on a nearby headland located on the South of the island.  The air was cold, clear and breezy.  I brought my camera equipment along to keep me company.  I took two 45 minute exposures of the star filled sky.... Whilst I thought about

Maybe the Final Post....

In fear of the blog becoming something we had never intended it to be, sounding like a deeply sad broken record that no longer updates you about how Amanda is getting on I think this may be the last post.  I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear me 'moaning' on about how I feel inside, about the deep irreparable ache in my heart.... and the hearts of everyone who loved Amanda.  I wake each morning look at the photographs I have mounted on the wardrobe, 'I have a brief few words' and a little morning kiss.... I do the same in the evening before I go to bed... It no doubt sounds insane to those who are yet to experience loss in their lives, but it's working for me.  I continue to read books which are aimed at coping with loss, with grieving, with understanding death as part of life..... I try to be realistic and pragmatic amidst the

2007 - 'Let's get Married'.....

This is just a little bit of a story about our wedding.....  Nothing more, nothing less.... I just wanted to write about our wedding.... I like to write about what we did together....

2007 went on to get better and better.  Whilst sitting on our friends narrow boat, slowly cruising along the canal from Fenny Compton back to Banbury, Amanda brought up marriage.  We then decided that's what we'd do!  We'd get married!  It wasn't the romantic gesture I had planned out in my mind, but most of our days were filled with so much love it didn't really matter.  'When shall we do it?'  'Well let's give people a bit of notice' she said.... It was the end of May, so we decided on the 1st September.  3 months is enough for anyone!  Surely people don't normally plan their lives that far in advance.  We were soon to find out it was only us that didn't really plan that far in advance.
Finding a suitable place was the main problem.  We wanted somewhere quaint.  Somewhere 'Ye Olde England' and somewhere affordable.  We wanted to pay for the entire gig ourselves (though in the end Mum & Dad refused to let us, but I think even they were surprised you could do an awesome wedding for less than £1,800).  Whilst out and about one day I stumbled upon a beautiful country pub called 'The Ben Johnson' in Weston on the Green, just outside Oxford.

I dropped in and got chatting to Toby the proprietor.  He was a bear of man.  Only in his early thirties, but keen as mustard to hold a wedding.  'Have you ever held a wedding reception Toby?'.  'Yes' he said with excitement in his eyes.  'We held one not so long ago... Just the one, but I'd love to hold another.'  His enthusiasm had me.  I brought Amanda to meet him, she loved him too.  The place was perfect.  We got to planning.  Next was where could we and would we be wed?  We chose Bicester Band Stand in the town of Bicester, Oxfordshire, a few miles from Weston on the Green.  An outdoor wedding!  Perfect!
Amanda set about finding a seamstress well versed in wedding dress construction.  Little did this lady know of Amanda's strict standards and impeccable attention to detail.  Had she known she'd have never taken the job.  Amanda designed her dress and told her exactly what she wanted.  Oh dear, this turned out to be such a palava.  Things seemed to keep going wrong, and the lady didn't seem to understand Amanda's needs.  But she got there eventually after many, many weeks of turmoil and hassle!

For music we hired a local band to play for an hour on the night and big bear Toby said we could sort out our own music for the day time, evening and night using an MP3 player connected up to The mighty Ben Johnson sound system.  Brilliant!
I texted everyone coming 'Please text two tunes you would love to hear during our wedding reception.  One for the afternoon and one for the dance floor'.  We had some rare selections, but only two declined.  Cliff Richard's Summer Holiday (what were you thinking Dad) and Steve O'Rourke's choice of Club Tropicana (no cheese please!).
Amanda's Mum was chief cake maker.  A talented woman!  This meant the cake would be travelling from the Isle of Man to Bicester!  A stressful time for Colleen.... Thank you again for such a beautiful cake x

The night before the big day friends and family from England, Scotland, Ireland and the Isle of Man got together for a drink or two.  I headed off early as I needed to write my speech and I'd promised Amanda I'd be in bed by midnight.  I literally didn't sleep a wink.  I rose the next morning, stood at the front door in my suit and looked at the dark looming clouds which filled the sky.  Would the rain hold off?  Whilst I tried not to be concerned with the dark sky Amanda was up at the salon drying and styling hair for the ladies of both families on her own wedding day....

Wedding Day Stylist....

Then Susie took over, sat her down and tended to her wedding hair, whilst Amanda sipped on a glass of champagne.  Amanda's hair looked absolutely beautiful.... Thank you Susie x









Amanda made it  very clear that on the day she wanted to marry 'me' as opposed to some tuxedo wearing fruit loop doing an impression of me.  She said if I wore a tie and didn't wear sandals it would be like marrying someone else.  I didn't need convincing.  Suit, fine looking open

Music.... Loss.... Carving.....

It's coming up to 1am.... I'm awake... Obviously.... I'm typing.
I've been listening to music.  Something I've avoided over recent months.  Music evokes such sweet bitter memories... Maybe just sweet memories....But they prove difficult and emotional to watch in my mind.  Is it greed, did I want more and more of these memories.... Of course.  Desire and attachment make me long for Amanda back by my side.  There needing me, there with me needing her... Each of our hands there to hold the other's.  Arms there to wrap and protect.  To squeeze and hold tight.  To love.

We loved open air gigs.... These were taken whilst
watching Doves at Delamere Forest.

Beautiful songs, lyrics and melodies fill my mind.  Constant reminders of our wonderful time together.  What more could anyone ask.  But yet I'm still filled with loss, regret and sadness.  How ungrateful can anyone be.  Some folk will never experience such love, laughter, joy,

It's November.... Already....

I photographed a chap who was open water swimming in Port Erin a couple of weeks ago.  I was ambling around the rocks trying to fill time... hoping to maybe a achieve something.  I saw a lady who I assumed was his wife, and wandered down to chat with her.  We got chatting, I spoke about Amanda, then the lady told me she was also diagnosed with breast cancer only 2 weeks before Amanda had her diagnosis.  Strange isn't it.  The line of coincidences that brought me to that spot to chat with that lady.  Her lump was half the size of Amanda's at 1cm.  She had no lymph node involvement whereas Amanda did have lymph node involvement.  Her cancer was Oestrogen and HER2 positive, the same as Amanda's.  She had a bad experience with Noble's hospital from the beginning to the end... and chose for her treatment to proceed in London.  She (like we did) checked all the hospitals in the UK for the best records, the most experienced or specialised clinics, and then hunted down one of the most knowledgeable breast cancer oncologists in the country.  He told her what we'd already read.  He believed from his study cases and experience that surgery may improve survival stats by  50-60%, chemotherapy 2-3% and Herceptin maybe 20%... The gap I assume comes down to what you do next, lifestyle, environment, emotional state.... and luck.

I met this lady for a long walk this week.... Apart from trying to throw herself over the cliffs between the Chasms and Port Erin along the coastal path it was a lovely walk (she slipped off a rock on to her bum then rolled on to her front and began to fall head first.  My words were 'Come here you' (strange I know) as I leapt to grab her ankle.  All faired well, though I'm sure she will be suffering some serious bruising on her bum!  Her oncologist Justin, is a bit special.  He is involved in developing treatments, rather than simply listening to what the pharmaceutical sales force tells him what the drugs are supposed to do and how to go about administering them.  His group 'Action Against Cancer' have discovered a related gene which can interfere with current treatment regimes.... But the current treatment regimes need to change anyway.... But this guy is also supportive and compassionate.... It doesn't feel like she's just another woman with breast cancer to him.  This in itself is hugely important.  It makes her feel like she can beat the cancer.  She feels supported emotionally.  It's great to find practitioners like this.

Here are some facts and figures from 2013 from the US based charity The National Cancer Coalition.... If you're not interested in facts and figures simply skip the next italisized paragraphs.....

BREAST CANCER STATISTICS: THE NUMBERS TELL A COMPELLING STORY

The trends for breast cancer incidence and mortality have not changed since NBCC issued its Baseline Report in 2011. The overall number of women being diagnosed continues to increase as the population ages, though the rate remains constant, and mortality continues to decline slightly.
Worldwide, breast cancer accounts for nearly a quarter of all cancers in women. In 2008, there were 1.4 million women diagnosed with breast cancer and in 2010 there were 438,000 deaths from the disease globally.2 In the United States in 2013, it is estimated that more than 296,000 women and 2,240 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer, and 39,620 women and 410 men will die of the disease. That is one death every 14 minutes.

By any standard, we have not made adequate progress. Despite years of campaigns to raise awareness, ever expanding screening programs, increased fundraising efforts and more research, there has been little impact on the important outcomes in breast cancer. Breast cancer incidence and mortality have not changed significantly. In 2030, with no major changes in prevention or treatment, it is estimated that 747,802 women will die from breast cancer worldwide. In the United States, the chance of a woman developing breast cancer during her lifetime has increased from about 1 in 11 in 1975 to 1 in 8 today. US breast cancer mortality has been declining but only slightly.
In 1991, in the United States, 119 women died of breast cancer every day. This year, that number is estimated to be 108. If we continue making progress at the current rate, it could take a few centuries to end breast cancer.

These are not merely statistics, they represent millions of lives. These losses are unacceptable.

Incidence
Overall incidence of breast cancer has fluctuated over the years. Recently, researchers at the National Cancer Institute (NCI) projected that the overall breast cancer incidence rate will stay the same through 2016. The median age at diagnosis remains at 61 years. Because of increased screening beginning in 1980, there has been a dramatic increase in the incidence of ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS), abnormal cells contained within the milk ducts that have not spread to other parts of the body. Most of DCIS will never become cancer. However, we are not able to distinguish between the harmful kind of DCIS (that will develop into cancer) and the harmless kind; as a result, many women are treated with interventions that will not help them and could hurt them.5

Mortality & Survival
Despite fluctuations in breast cancer incidence, and dramatic increases in the use of mammography, there has only been a slow, gradual decrease in the rate of breast cancer deaths, or breast cancer mortality, over time.

Women do not die of primary breast cancer. More than 90% of breast cancer deaths are due to the spread of the disease to other parts of the body. While we want to believe we have made significant progress in saving lives, that is not the case. The incidence of women diagnosed with advanced breast cancer has not changed.

'If you want to commit time to really understanding where we are at globally with breast cancer please read the Breast Cancer Coalition's pdf, just scan over the figures from page 9 to 16 if there is too much. The above is from pages 9 and 10... If you would rather not, then please don't get bogged down in the reality of where we are at with it all.'http://www.breastcancerdeadline2020.org/assets/pdfs/2013-progress-report.pdf

I read through the beautiful cards I received after Amanda's passing every now and again..... I read one a few days ago, from a lady who lost her husband in a motorcycle accident, she is a great friend of us both.  She said I had a choice, and the best one was to acknowledge what has happened, dust myself off and get on with life.  Take up every invite I get as it will help me to get out and about.... and this is what I've tried to do.  

Every Saturday my wonderful brother and sister-in-law Tina have me around for a huge three course home cooked meal.  Jess (20) & Jim (14... hmmm maybe 15), Tina's lovely children are usually there too which adds more fun and mayhem to proceedings.  Thank you all so much for Saturday evenings.  I love them.

Then a friend invited me to join them on their 33 ft sailing boat on Sunday morning for a race from Douglas to Port Soderick and back.... It was beautiful, cool and refreshing!  

Whenever Cam suggests we get out for a spot of fishing I do my damndest to be enthused, but it's not always easy....

Last night I decided to head out in to the frosty darkness to try a few new techniques with my camera equipment.  I arrived at the Chasms Cafe in total darkness at 7.15pm.... Then began.  With slow shutter photography, where you aim to catch the movement of the earth, which is reflected in the star trails on the final image, you need to occupy yourself for a an hour or more whilst the camera sits there constantly recording the planet's movments via the pin prick trails of light......

I set up the camera and then settled in to a meditation.  I was well wrapped up, the temperature was down to a chilly 5 degrees by the time I packed up at 9pm.

My initial mediation was based on bringing a light focus to the out breath, then on keeping the mind clear.  Everytime a thought dropped in it would be acknowledged then let slide away..... I did this for the first exposure of 45 minutes.

The second exposure I decided to bring my focus on to mine and Amanda's travels, beginning at Thailand we we started our adventure.  I played through 30 days of travel in my mind, aiming to remember as much as I could.  The troubles, the smiles, the hassles and the love and laughter.  It was wonderful.  I even caught myself sitting cross legged with the tiniest, gentle smile as I meditated/reflected on our wonderful experiences.  It was silent at The Chasms.  Silent and dark.  Just the stars for company....

I will go there again and think about my love.... think about our love.... and hopefully smile again.

Pink Ribbons - Pleeeeeease no.....

Amanda did the Moonwalk, which was pink....but the whole Pink Ribbon thing is just aiming to bring a bit of 'pickness/fluffiness' to a brutal disease that is killing 10's of thousands of women every year. Plus much of the money doesn't even go towards helping these women even indirectly.... Same with Cancer 'bloody' Research.co.uk another fairly useless attempt at a cancer charity. There are literally loads of them out there, some really well established. Some which are merely business entities. There are a couple of decent ones out there. Action Against Cancer and The National Breast Cancer Coalition to name but two.... But there are so many where vast swathes of cash are invested badly. Like Cancer Research UKs British American Tobacco investment of £90 million, until it was found to be invested unethically. I know everyone doesn't have the time to investigate every 'charity' or 'research' company, but the Pink Ribbon does get the backs up of a lot of women who are actually suffering or have suffered from breast cancer. Rather than a pink ribbon, there should be a picture of woman who has just had a mastectomy, or a woman suffering throws of chemotherapy... Breast cancer is not pink nor is it pretty. I'm sure you can see where I'm coming from on this one.

The Bench....

 So I've had three full day letter carving lessons from Mr Simon Capelen. Local wood carver extraordinaire.

I've worked on pine (nice and soft - easy) and oak (tougher, harder wood - more difficult).... The Teak Root will be even harder, even more brittle and knotty, plus I won't be able to use a couple of G clamps to hold it in place.... and the surface is curved.... It's a challenge. I await my chisels to arrive... then I'll practise a little more, then I'll let loose on the bench. A few simple words from me, then a few words that would have meant something to Amanda.





I'm a little frightened of turning an 

already beautiful bench in to a scarified hunk of wood. I can guarantee whatever happens, however it looks, it will have been done with all the heart and soul.

Photographs.... Benches.... and more photographs....

Last weekend I ventured over to Banbury with my lovely step daughter Robyn.  Amanda left us for one another.  This trip gave us time together.  Time to talk, time to air all our feelings regarding the loss of Rob's wonderful Mum and my delightful wife... It was time well spent.  Emotions can become extremely confused when we lose someone.  What fires out of our mouths can seem like anger, but if the pressure isn't permitted to build within and more gentle emotions are given the right of passage anger rarely rears it's ugly head.  It's allowing ourselves to be with our gentle emotions that really helps us heal.  That's why I cry so much.... If I stuffed it down I'm sure everyone would be walking on egg shells around me. I'd no doubt be like a mini Mount Vesuvius ready to erupt at the slightest emotional tremor...

Me & Rob at Banbury Train Station

The ferry ride from the IOM to Liverpool was filled with tears during the first 15 minutes.  I'd only travelled via ferry.... or plance with Amanda over the past 8 years.  Walking through Liverpool, along the Albert Dock brought back memories of us heading off on our travels.... and returning from our travels (Thailand, May 2012).  More tears.  Then meeting Rob at Lime Street Train Station in Liverpool, even more tears.... I'm surprised I didn't dehydrate on the way to Banbury.  Banbury itself was a real eye opener for me.  Or should I say eye waterer?  I couldn't believe the flood of emotions that came up.  Delightful, wonderful, love filled memories.  Pavements where we walked, the park where we relaxed, the pub we frequented.... Even bloody Sainsburys was

I am Blessed Because....

Nothings changed.... yet everything has changed....
I'm sure we all feel the same.  There are shallow smiles and laughter.  They are short lived but hugely important amidst the deep anguish, loss and sadness I feel.  Sometimes I can sleep.  Sometimes I can't.  Obviously things can never be the same, in part that's the beauty of life.  If you dip your foot in the river then take it out, then a few seconds later dip it in again, are you dipping your foot in to the same river?  No.  You can never dip your foot in the exact same river again.  The river is constantly changing, running past us all.  What we can't see around the bend upstream will eventually come to us.  The water you dipped your foot in a few seconds ago has since moved downstream without you; this is new water.  I suppose I have to get used to this constantly changing river of life.  Be willing to accept the turbulence, the deep dark eddies, the waterfalls, the wild rapids that occur in everyone's river at some point.  If everything happens for a reason, as I keep reading... Destiny the tapestry of life etc etc then Amanda is not here with me, with us all, for a reason.... At the present time I can't see what that reason is.  Did her life need to be shortened?  Had she achieved everything she needed to?  Did I, Robyn her family and friends need to experience deep sorrow so soon at the loss of this wonderful lady?  Nothing else could have made me feel this way.  Friends and family are wonderful.  I am so grateful for all the love.  But nothing comes close to what I felt when we were together...
I find myself trying to get on with something, then before I know it I'm back sorting out more photographs for our life album.... or ordering more prints, or searching for little movie clips.  I had a two clips of Amanda in Auroville, India on a little pink memory card.... I can't find it anywhere.  I've turned the house and car upside down.  I'm gutted.  I wanted them forever.  Attachment to things eh.  Pointless and upsetting.
I've listened to music this week.  Songs that meant something to us.... Beautiful lyrics or happy tunes, they all evoke such deep emotion.

Last weekend a good friend held a dinner party for a group of us.  7 courses for 6 people.  It was fantastic.  The food was a delight and the company was wonderful.  A small glass of wine to match each dish ensured lively discussion and conversation.  Yes once or twice I broke, and went to 'the naughty step' on the stairs for a sob, but that was fine.  My friend then suggested we go to town.  I wasn't sure.  Kevin assured me if I was unhappy we could come straight back.  Very nice of him.  Well it was strange being surrounded by lots of merry revellers seeking love or sex within their alcohol.  Stranger still a girl with a pretty smile danced with me for a brief spell.  I told her the situation....  I think she could tell there was something amiss by my lost rather forlorn expression, she also spotted Amanda's engagement and wedding rings which I wear on my little finger.  She was very kind and understanding and very smiley which was nice.  She didn't just leg it either, which she could have done!
There were tears in town again due to the complex myriad emotions I was feeling with so many strangers around, so much noise and calamity.  These tears were pretty well stashed though.  It was a pleasant (bearable) re-introduction to the normality of human existence here on the Isle of Man.  Thanks to Charlie for all his effort with the food and the boys for a lovely evening, and thanks to Kev for 'taking care of me' in town.

Last week I was fishing on a tiny river gorge near Santon.  I'd forced my way upstream in my heavy neoprene waders to cast towards a big deep waterfall pool.  My spinner (a little lure with hooks that imitates a small fish) became snagged just alongside the waterfall upstream.

Very beautiful lady fishing on the River Beas in Northern India

The sound of the water was all encompassing.  It roared like a great white noise.  You can hear voices in a waterfall, it's very strange.  At the same time this deafening sound was peaceful and tranquil in the dappled light coming through the trees.  I was stood waist deep in the powerful stream pulling and tugging the line, unable to go any further due to the depth and power of the water.  I'd cast so far upstream I couldn't quite see where I was snagged.  I held the rod straight and stepped backwards in an attempt to snap the line and start again.  Every now and again we lose spinners due to tree branches, fences and big rocks.  Suddenly the line loosened.  Whatever had been holding on had given up.  I wound the line and spinner in, to find a

Insomnia and Priorities....

I lie in the darkness... It's not black. Light seeps in. It's the darkest of greys, speckled like noise on a digital camera image or grain on a black and white photograph... This greyness tells me my eyes are open, not closed as I'd thought. I'm thinking. I'm always thinking. Unless of course I'm meditating. Then there is peace. Sometimes I choose to contemplate. Contemplation leads to many emotions. Happiness, smiles and joy.... but it nearly always ends in tears.

I comtemplate what it is that creates my own grief surrounding Amanda's passing.

There is the obvious loss, the missing, the emptiness.... 'but there is more' (to paraphrase a silly Irish comedian from the 80's called Jimmy Cricket). It's not just the obvious loss, missing and emptiness.... it's not even the complete and utter loss of emotional and life direction. Much of it comes from no longer feeling 'needed'.

A couple of weeks ago I was sat fishing in the warm sun on a very quiet section of coastline. The tide had been receding for an hour, the water already shallow, beginning to drop back revealing rocks beneath.... By now (when Amanda was fit and healthy) I'd normally be having thoughts of returning home to prepare dinner for us both... or returning home because I simply missed her and wanted to head home. I'd always be wanting that last cast, but I'd head home because I was 'needed' and I 'needed' to see, hold, kiss my wife.

As I sat there, uncomfortably perched on a rather jagged rock, my orange bubble float was gently being washed on to the weed covered rocks by tiny lapping waves. I was day dreaming.... drifting....

Today I don't need to go home. Today, like yesterday, and tomorrow I'm not needed. I have no one to return to. A huge wave of

Life.

It's been 25 days since Amanda passed away.... Much has happened over these few days.

There has been much grieving and confusion from everyone who loved, adored, respected and treasured this beautiful woman. Hopefully love, respect and forgiveness will eventually abound from the negativity that sometimes arises from the doubt, guilt and fear instilled within us all.

I received two beautifully kind hand written letters stating how much the blog had restored their faith in human love and kindness. The chaps who penned these letter agreed that Amanda did indeed leave a beautiful impression on everyone who was lucky enough to meet her. One of these letters contained a wonderfully generous donation of £200 to Amanda's charity, the Indian Pre-School in Gokarna. I won't name the chap, but I would like to him once again for such a grand show of generosity.

There have been many sleepless nights over these past few weeks, and many tears shed by all Amanda's daughter, husband, friends, relatives. Here on the blog I can only speak of my own personal experience. My empathy and compassion lies with

6 years married today....

Thank you all for all your supportive words and messages over the past few days.  They are heartfelt and beautiful.
Thank you all for your donations to Amanda's worthy cause, the Shankar Prasad pre-school in Gokarna India.  We've currently raised over £600.  Amazing.  Amanda would be very proud of you all, and be moved by such a great show of generosity.

Today Amanda and I would have been married for six years (although we first got together for a few months of affection and love 17 years ago, then decided to travel our own paths before getting back together on numerous occasions, up until 9 years ago,when we both decided we were ready to fully commit to one another... This plus the fact I was then willing to move away from the Isle of Man!).... I hoped for at least 45 years of married bliss before one of us popped our clogs, but what can you do?
The last few weeks of Amanda's life haunt me, the final days, weeks, hours and that final minute torture me.... I am sure I could have done more.  It matters not what anyone else tells me or writes in heartfelt messages.  As long as I believe I could have done more, that's how it is.  This is what eats me at quiet times.  Why when I loved her so much did I not do more to make something happen?  My mind is frustrating me.  Upsetting me.  Graphic images, sounds and unanswered questions race around in my head.... Then, I focus and once again regain control bringing my attention to the love we had... The love I still hold for Amanda.... Then the cycle begins again.

I ordered a large print of Amanda sat on the Beas river in Manali, India.  It arrived the day after Amanda's send off.  I opened it and wept at her beauty amidst the raw energy of nature that surrounded her.  Why was she not by my side any longer?  Where was she?  Many words of wisdom and kindness are gestured my way.  A smorgasbord of cliches.   As my friend correctly pointed out, cliches become cliches because they are considered to be intelligent observations, words of wisdom that are used over and over again to offer comfort to those in need.... I keep all the messages to read over again... because at some point I will no doubt feel comforted by the fact that so many care about my state of mind and precarious current fragile emotional wellbeing, but at times I just see words.... I don't really feel anything.  Please don't let this put you off sending me messages of kindness, they are lovely.... It's just at the moment my emotions are unrecognisable.   My thoughts are beffudled.

My wife looking thoughtful amidst the peace of nature..... Stunning.... Simply Stunning....

Over recent days whilst surrounded by friends having fun, or whilst experiencing exhilaration through mountain biking alongside vertical drops above the sea I felt brief sparks of joy, but these sparks quickly succumb to 'I wish Amanda was here with me, she would have added another dimension of fun and love to the day, to the event... to whatever was going on.'  Then I think how much she would have enjoyed what we were doing, how much I'd have enjoyed having her beside me, her love circling around me like a warm coat... little glimpses at one another, playful eye contact and cheeky smiles....  Then I realise that is never going to happen again.... then as if my body has become an absorbent vessel capable of converting all emotion to  sadness and the ground I stand on has become a pool of sorrow... I fill, I expand to full capacity.... the overflow spilling out as tears from my eyes..... I weep.....
I guess this is how it's going to be for a while.

Laid to Rest.... The Service....

If you listen on a laptop or desktop there is audio with this post....

Yesterday, Thursday 29th August was a powerfully emotional day.  It was the day we were to officially acknowledge Amanda's passing.... The preparation sleep proved evasive, but meditation allowed me to feel rested as the sun rose.  At 8am we collected Amanda from the Funeral Directors in her white poppy print casket and brought her back to her sisters house.  Rose petals and little bunches of exquisite wild flowers, beautifully put together by Amanda's Aunt Linda were strewn over and around my wife's casket.  Candles flickered on the window sill.  The room looked beautiful.  Personal treasures and notes were left inside the casket with Amanda.  My goodbyes

Amanda's Wishes....

Over the next  few days I will post little excerpts of Amanda's musings.....
This one was regarding her wishes were for her send off.....

'If this doesn't all pan out as Mark & I hope, I've asked Mark to 'deal with my arrangements'. I have faith in his emotional strength to carry out these wishes whatever the opinions of others. We all hope our lives will be long, healthy and fruitful, but one day we will all pass on. The time for our spirit to leave our physical body remains a mystery to us all.

During October we attended Tushita. A beautiful meditation centre set amidst the foothills of the Himalayas. We were to partake in their '10 day Introduction to Buddhism course'. 10 days of near silence but for one hour set aside each afternoon to discuss what we had learned. It was a beautiful experience. Mark & I were so privileged to meet many wonderful like minded people deepening their knowledge and understanding of Buddhism philosophy.

On the sixth morning we meditated on death. Many participants wept, no doubt the

A River of Love....

Laughing.... Really Laughing..... xxx

What can I say?  You have all left me dumbfounded, bathed by love, compassion and empathy.... Beautiful heartfelt messages for Amanda, myself, Robyn and the family that miss her so much.  Moving poems, memory filled photographs, sweet tributes... Facebook juddered in to life the evening after Amanda's passing.  I typed and wept responding to beautiful tributes and voices of friends.
Early that evening a strange thing happened - No doubt I'll begin to make more and more tedious links as the days and weeks go by - But whilst sat looking out from the back of my parenets house a heron, slim and elegant with her exquisitely long neck perched a top the wooden arched treliss outside the window.  She stood looking in the living room window and the window above where Amanda and I slept during last summer.  This magnificent looking creature, towering near

Peace...

Yesterday evening saw Amanda's breathing take on a sound not unlike someone blowing and sucking down a straw placed amongst melting ice cubes in the bottom of glass, but only louder... far louder.  It was so difficult to listen to.  It sounded so uncomfortable, but she wasn't struggling with it.... Though I knew she was slipping further away from us.  Everyone felt it.
Amanda's Mum Colleen ensured that tonight it would just be my beautiful wife and I alone together.  Uninterrupted.  She know.  I built my bed to the height of Amanda's with pillows to lie as close to her as I could.  I chatted for hours about what we'd achieved over the years.  About how she had changed me for the better.  Brought calm to my life.  I told her how beautifully she had blossomed over the years, just when I thought her mind could become no purer and loving once again she would soar.  Her beauty seemed to increase year on year.  We shared earphones and listened to

We all love her.....

Three weeks ago today Amanda went in to hospital for some routine treatment, since then everything changed.  To say the past 3 weeks have been difficult for my beautiful wife would be an understatement.... 5 days after the hospital visit (after her pain had settled to what she considered a manageable level again) there was the replacement of oral medication with a syringe driver to deliver her payload of painkillers, sedatives and anti-sickness medication, as the oral drugs were sometimes coming back up.  I made Amanda a promise.  A promise that I would never give up.  So at her request I continued with a couple of fresh carrot juices each day, green teas and two almond milk and goats yoghurt vitamin and mineral packed drinks.  Initially Amanda sucked them down with a straw with great gusto.  This last week though has seen her strength diminish.  For a few days she drank from a pipette... Carrot juices still included to begin with.  Then for the next couple of days just water... She said she would tell me when she was ready.  We shared everything.  Others may think

I keep trying....

I don't really understand what's happened since the hospital visit. Amanda went in for an Herceptin infusion which didn't happen and was drained of 3 litres of abdominal fluid instead. But ever since the infusion of Zolodronic Acid a few hours later, to help bring down her Calcium levels she's been totally out of it, unable to to move. 12 days in bed is a long time. At times I get frustrated with myself. Was it the wrong decision for her to have the Z.A? Am I not doing enough? Is there more I could be doing.... There's always more we can do, but sometimes we're limited by circumstances. Amanda is in no condition to travel to Germany for instance, where they have fantastic cancer clinics. At the moment getting 10 organic juices in to her would also be an impossibility as she is only

Side Affects.....

Sometimes I think the medical profession simply try to sweep how severe the side effects of certain medications can be 'under the carpet', or at least totally underplay their effects.

I brought Amanda home from Noble's Hospital on Thursday morning at 11am. Since then she has been in bed, unable to move. Thursday, Friday and Saturday were spent in agony, with exacerbated pain brought on by the zolodronic acid infusion. This infusion also caused confusion, fever and nausea. She is still in bed today. Then there's the heavy pay load of pain killers, they cause oral thrush and constipation.... two things that no one wants when there is already a large all encompassing physical pain presence. It's simply miserable.

Amanda was so sore and pained on Thursday night she sobbed to me asking for

Herceptin Day....

Here we are driving to Noble's hospital. The sun is blazing through the windscreen of my little black 1999 Renault Clio and the morning temperature was already pushing 17 warm degrees. Having spoken to a couple of alternative/complementary cancer practitioners during the week Amanda finally decided to give Herceptin a crack. There comes a point where things feel so rough everything bar chemotherapy is worth a go. If you read this blog regularly you'll no doubt have already read about Herceptin in the previous posts, so I pray Amanda falls in to the small percentage of women that Herceptin helps. I pray even more she suffers no side effects. She has enough on her plate as it is..... Recently having enough on her plate has also been a problem. She has been

The effects of biopsies and surgery on cancer metastasis.....

http://www.chrisbeatcancer.com/should-you-have-surgery-for-cancer/

For those of you that would rather read the study....

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15197090

Interesting.... Another good reason to for the NHS to use an alternative less primitive way of detecting tumour tissue in breasts other than the mammography 'press'.....

Everyone has a point of view.....

Amanda spent the weekend in hospital, due to our lovely GP having concerns that her blood calcium levels were increasing above what is considered to be the norm.  By the time her first blood test at Nobles Hospital was taken on Friday evening, her levels were within the standard parameters once again... but they kept her in for observations.  There were also white blood cells in her urine, suggesting there may be an infection.  They offered her a course of antibiotics (before it had even been cultured), a general 'cure all' antibiotic, a fix it all solution.  She refused it stating she wanted to see if there was an infection or not before taking a course of antibiotics.  When the results came back they showed there was no infection.  So Amanda would have been given a course of antibiotics for no reason whatsoever.  
Her calcium remained consistent throughout the weekend, and she was discharged on Monday afternoon.  
When there is cancer in the bones, the tumours can leech out calcium in to the blood.  This can cause all sorts of problems.  Confusion, twitching and nausea being common.... of which Amanda was suffering all.  It can eventually lead to

Tough week....

As the title suggests it''s been a tough week.....
Amanda's pain initially reduced with an increase of the Hydromorphone Slow Release a week or so ago, then after a £160.00 skype meeting with Dr Rosy Daniels of Health Creation in the UK she made the decision to re-jig things.  Rosy provided her thoughts on what the best course of action was.  A few more changes to the diet, controversial ones in my mind according to

Another Day Another Week....

Another day another week.... Monday gone Amanda was set to be heading off to Clatterbridge Cancer Centre in Liverpool for a couple of blasts of radiotherapy (typed with a casualness that should never be taken with the overall long term damage radiotherapy does).  One to the cervical spine and one to the lumbar region.  When Sunday arrived she wasn't feeling up to it.  Washed out, sick and sore.  I cancelled.
Last weekend she lay still.  As opposed to getting up, lifting things and moving around too much.  She has since managed the past 6 days without any 'breakthrough' medication, on top of her regular morning and night time painkillers.  A chat with the doctor, and

Herceptin & Tamoxifen.... Cancer Wonder Drugs..... Or not? (Updated 1pm 27th July 2013)

Amanda and I read a lot about all the conventional methods of treating advanced breast cancer (and stage 1 breast cancer).  It would be lovely to discover something that's on offer that really worked, but sadly there doesn't seem to be anything.  It seems most folks either recover or they don't, regardless of whether they've been had chemotherapy or not.  The folks that survive it would probably have survived anyway lookin

The Parish Walk & Isle of Man Healers....

Hi folks, just me.
Thanks to everyone who contributed to the Parish Walk fundraiser for Hospice.  I haven't tallied everything up yet but I reckon we'll be over £1,700.00!  Nice!

Kate-Anne 906 spots a jelly sweet
on the ground.... She loves jelly sweets!

 I decided to try for Peel with my almost healed injury, but then after reaching Peel 24 minutes ahead of last year, I had myself convinced that my limp was purely imagination!  That my anterior tibialis tendon was fine and dandy..... 15 minutes later having checked through Peel rather than finishing there, I could no longer deny the presence of an inflamed tendon.  I limped on towards the next check point at Kirk Michael, which should have taken me about 90 minutes.   Instead it took 110 minutes, I was in agony.  Early retirement.
On a high note Carl & Kate-Anne (who travelled from Wales to come and see us, and have a crack at 'walking') aimed for Peel and romped in to their target destination 15 minutes after I'd passed through.



Jane (Amanda's sister) on the other hand, raced to Peel arriving at quarter past three (I got there at 4pm and was well chuffed!), then proceeded to walk on through the night, crossing the line with her partner Julie at 4.21am!!!  Awesome or what?!

They decided to walk the entire PW like this....
So they couldn't see how far they had to go!!!!!

They only just missed out on the most improved time by a mere 12 minutes.  They completed the Parish Walk in 20 hours and 20 minutes.  Insane!  Well done ladies.

This week I have witnessed so much kindness.  On Thursday evening a group of 7 island based healers got together to channel their healing energy through Amanda's tiny frame.  They arrived at 7pm and remained until almost 9pm.  These generous, kind souls gave up their time free of charge just to try and help Amanda.  That in itself exudes positive energy and emotions for me.  They performed Reiki and Quantum Touch healing.  Since Thursday, two have already returned to give Amanda further healing sessions.  Isn't it just wonderful that there are

Mid June.....

Another week has passed by.... along with the summer, which I have no doubt will return shortly!  Ever the optimist eh?  This week Amanda's pain has been better managed, though the resultant side effects to this is zzzz zzzzz..... Whoops, sorry I dozed off there!  Yes, lot's of impromptu sleeping.  It can happen any time, literally any time..... She Skyped Robyn in the week.  They were chatting for over an hour, well Rob was, as when I returned from nipping to the Pharmacy she was sat contentedly in front of the laptop nodding off.  Thank heavens for Skype eh?  At least Rob could see why there were long drawn out silences.  Normally these silences are when Amanda is really mulling over her

Incredible TT Races Weather....

Here on the Isle of Man summer can be measured in hours rather than months, but last week we were lucky enough to experience a week long spell of simply stunning weather.  Amanda managed to get out the back each day and enjoy the sunshine.  Whilst I sneaked down the road to watch the biggest and best motorcycle road race in the world, the Isle of Man TT Races, Jane and Amanda relaxed in the scorching sun.

150mph with stone walls to break their fall!

My shutter speed was 1/4000th of a second to  get
these three shots of this riders racing line... Madness!

Every hour or so I'd return and end up covering another piece of Amanda's sun blushed anatomy with a silk scarf to save her burning.  At one point she looked like a 'scarf stall' at an Indian market.

I mentioned last week about a home made card and 'frivolous cheque' Amanda received from a friend in Banbury.  I ommitted to mention she's also received a beautiful hand knitted scarf/snood/buff from Susie in Adderbury along with a beautiful card, plus a delicious delivery of Manx raw, organic chocolate from Lucy in Banbury hand made by a lady here on the Isle of Man.  Of course whilst we were in the hospice my Mum kept a constant stream of fresh flowers and various organic food stuffs coming in to liven up the room.  Amanda's Mum and Aunty provided a river of various types of clothing and healthy snacks too.  Everyone has been so lovely and generous.

This last week Amanda's discomfort has

Getting out and about....

It's great that Amanda is now getting out and about more.  We've been down to my folks, down to her folks and caught a sunset down at Bradda Head.
She is still suffering a lot of pain/discomfort, which makes her life very difficult, and is excessively tired most days.  Knocking out a  few hours of extra z's most afternoons.

The Protocel supplement is taken four times daily to aid Amanda's healing.  It has cured ( read Outsmart Your Cancer, it's not just for folks with cancer!)  many people of cancer since the 80's, when it was given free in the US by it's creators.  Then all the usual things happened with US Food & Drug Administration lot like all the other

Home....

Our lives have blended with a modicum of normality now we're home.  Amanda is still in pain, but she's dealing with it.  She takes less breakthrough medication at home than she did at hospice.  Here she can go lie down and be with herself until it subsides.  There is no one to push painkillers her way, she makes the decisions, I just help.  Her once very dexterous aren't working for her due to the root nerve compression in the cervical spine (the neck), this is very frustrating for her.  Plus of course the intense pain down the arms, but she is coping.  All the prayers for healing along with all the positive messages and thoughts from friends and family do help.  They are at times so touching that they bring tears to my eyes.

One such message was from Amanda's uncle who lives in Scarborough.  He posted this touching message on FB after chatting with

Leaving Hospice for Home Sweet Home....

In the end I think the doctors realised the only way they were getting shut of Amanda and I was by providing all the medication we felt was necessary to make home life possible.  This meant, most importantly that we had a 'breakthrough' drug.  Something that if the pain gets totally out of control, we can rely on.  The only thing that worked was a controlled drug (not normally permitted in the community) that had to be administered via a syringe, normally only carried out by a medical professional.... Not me for instance.  I pestered them to allow us to have the breakthrough at home, assuring them I was confident enough to

The Isle of Man Hospice

When we flew back from Clatterbridge (Liverpool) Cancer Centre to the IOM Hospice, the nurses welcomed us back 'Nice to see you again.... Welcome back'.... Lovely welcomes to a place you'd rather not be.  Due to the type of pain Amanda is suffering, managing it is a serious problem.  I have incredible toothache at present, had it a few weeks, but it's just about becoming unbearable at night.  The entire jaw bone aches and throbs.  Anyone who has ever suffered tooth ache or a

Travels cut short....

Long time no hear, I feel you all saying.... Well we've had a lot on our plates.
Travels were cut short due to Amanda suffering an increasing bout of back pain as we travelled our way around India.  When debilitation finally kicked in she decided it was time to head to Bangalore for scans.  After a series of blood, urine and body scans (MRI and PET) over the space of two days, the conclusion was we needed to get home.  The scans showed