Extended Stay.....

Yesterday Amanda decided she'd like to stay on the IOM for a few more days, so we have extended our trip until Friday night.  She can spend more time with her Mum and sisters, and this is what she wants at the moment. 
Yesterday we found a quiet spot to sit a couple of hours ahead of sunset, at one of the southerly points on the Island, called The Sound.  A very beautiful spot, where seals frolic in the icy waters of the Irish Sea, and gull calls constantly fill the air.  The sky was blue, and the sun was bright.  It was wonderful.
Amanda wanted me to partake in

Back to the Rock....

Sorry for being lax the last few days. 
We made a late decision to head to the Isle of Man on Thursday night/Friday morning, immediately after we got thrashed in our semi final.  I was accompanied by James Vincent McMorrow's gentle dulcet tones, tremendous (cheers Carl!).  Amanda had the passengers seat laid back and slept, I listened to McMorrow on repeat for 3 full hours.  Amanda woke up for a short period,

The Results.

Good news. We weren't involved in a major car accident on the way to the hospital, the birds were singing the bees were humming, the sun was blazing. Simply lovely.

We arrived at the hospital, Amanda had her pea sized lump checked. Sally suggested it was just part of the scar tissue, but Dehalvi could take a look next week, just to set her mind at ease.

I made Amanda a cup of green tea, and myself a strong black tea with a splash of milk, and half a teaspoon of sugar. We went into the little side room,

The Weekend....

It was beautiful, birds were singing, bees were humming and butterflies were fluttering (thanks for organising all that Gaz).  It was simply wonderful.  Amanda decided it was time I started sorting out the garden (she would have loved to help, but is simply not up to it) for our organic veg plot.  Amanda got down and dirty with some deep meditation.
She told me she was going to clear her chakras, I questioned was clearing her chakras in the garden not going to leave a bit of a mess, she assured me

Removing my blinkers.... a bit.....

I'm not usually one for alternative approaches, and New Age healing.  I've always thought all of this as a poor second to 'real medicine'. Amanda has a plethora of books on this type of thing.  Wise words from ancient philosophers, to more modern day gurus of natural approaches to healing.  I try not to be too blinkered, acting like science is the 'be all and end all', well I am trying!  When you watch programmes on Quantum Physics for instance, they baffle you with alternative dimensions, and this life we're all part of, being nothing more than a hologram.... and then.... I'm lost....  So to show how open minded I am, I read, 'The Secret'.  Caroline bought it for Amanda.  I picked it up

Up, Downs and Wounds-a-Daisy!

You will no doubt have seen Amanda is suffering from ups and downs, as anyone would expect.  The pain is the number one factor, with the reliance on me to help being number two, the breastless area comes in at number two aswell I reckon.  Amanda was in a great mood Tuesday, until she actually got out of bed (not sleeping, doing stuff, typing, reading, researching etc), and went to find something to wear, she realised her wardrobe was not awash with mono-boob attire, even the simplest of clothing wouldn't sit how she wanted it too, they were either too low at the neck, or.... something else...

Amanda's thoughts on Monday 14th - The Day Before The Good Day....

THIS MORNING IS OFFICIALY SHITE...
As I make that statement the strong sensible positive voice in my head sighs... 'Oh how bloody melancholy and dramatic!' - and quite frankly its dead right. However, this realisation does not change the fact that today I feel like absolute utter crap.

What a difference a day can make, or for that matter, an hour, a minute, a thought or a comment.  So much can change so quickly and often it is

Monday.....

The last couple of days have been very difficult, the main factors being, breast cancer, exhaustion due to lack of sleep and finally Amanda's period.  Amanda has been even more frustrated than ever, furious that the arm, pit and chest are still so painful.  Even the nurse commented on how unusually heavily bruised it was,

Sunday March 13th....

Football on a Saturday has been my 'blow out', my 'release' from everything that has happened to my wonderful wife over the past three weeks.  Usually I tend to daydream alot, even when playing football, guarding the goals, whilst the ball is at the other end of the pitch, 'Oh, look a buzzard'..... General observations of the world around me.  I love the natural world, it's incredible.  But last week, and this week's matches have seen me incredibly focused, or as focused as I tend to get.  This is because I have only had two things in my mind,

Amanda Says...“UP YOU GET - WE NEED THAT BED!"

Another incredibly long sleepless night ensures that exhaustion oozes from my every pore.  If only exhaustion alone could beat cancer, then I'd have this fight in the bag already.  In order to take on and defeat this evil villain, I need to richly nourish both my body and mind with lashing of fabulously healthy food and peaceful sleep.  I'm working really hard to fill my body and mind with only natural goodness and ideally, I don't want to put any poisons in – prescribed, or otherwise.   However, drained beyond comprehension and low in mood, I feel I have little choice and make a mental note that tonight,

11th March....

This morning I woke with a slight head ache and grogginess, I thought nothing of it until I looked down at my chest, to see nail and teeth marks around  my right nipple.... Hmmmmmm.  Lucy's duct tape idea may well prove to be my best option.... for now!
Amanda is still very sad about the entire event,

Amanda says.... 'DAYS BEHIND MY EMOTIONS - TUESDAY BLUES......'

I don't work Monday's, so Tuesday is the day that I occasionally experience what is commonly referred to as the Monday Blues. A low pressure that often follows a weekend high - usually brought about by a reluctance to return to a ridged work routine after two days of lovely fun filled freedom. Thankfully, I enjoy my job and so Monday (or Tuesday in my case) blues aren’t that much of an issue for me. Today however - I'm loathing Tuesday,

Home at last.....

After being evicted from the private room at 11am, we waited in 'the day room' conservatory for Amanda's pain relief medication, and additional medication to be taken before the pain relief medication, to hinder the pain relief medication from causing pain in Amanda's tummy,(confused yet?) allowing the pain relief medication to do it's proper job on 'the wound'.  Amanda was tired, I was hungry and thirsty, and having been denied tea, by the 'tea lady' (I've demoted her from 'tea nurse') I ninja'd my way into the kitchen and made a fresh cuppa for myself, whilst pilfering the NHS's supply of ginger nuts and shortbread biscuits..... That'll teach 'em! I offered an old dear whom I was chatting with whilst I was helping myself, "would you like a top up", she laughed and said she was fine. She then pointed out where the biscuits were stashed! A woman after my own heart! 
Three hours later, Sally the breast cancer nurse turned up.  She ran through wound care, and problems that could possibly occur over the next few days, such as serenoma.  This is swelling caused by fluid build up, it can occur after the drain is removed.  The wound needs redressing every two or three days, by the doctor, and then by the middle of next week, it needs to see daylight.  I fear Amanda dreads this day!
We headed to the salon on the way home for Amanda to have her hair washed.  She felt a lot better for it too.  We got home, and Amanda started to miss her boob.  The softy (A fake breast, well not really a fake breast, a little cushion that impersonates a breast under clothing)., was not having the desired effect.  For starters it wasn't physically attached to her, secondly it was a slightly different size to her 'natural boob', and thirdly it was far perkier! (Only joking love).  She was missing her body part, and told the nurse she felt as though she'd been robbed.  She had been, but not only had they taken a piece of my wife’s lovely body, they also removed a deathly poison that had decided to make it's home there, and no doubt an extension would have been planned in the near future, and this was a risk that the doctors weren't willing to take.

4pm.
Amanda is very down this afternoon, it pains me to see her sad, and me doing the normal joking around or making stupid comments won't ease the sadness, so I don't.  I just make sure I'm there for her.....

8pm
A few days ago I mentioned I'd give up my nipples for her, today she has talked about that a lot, even mentioning it in conversation with one of her friends.... I'm sleeping on my front for a few months..... She can have them, of course, but when it came to those more intimate times, it could be a little strange.  I don't need to go any further, I think you can use your imaginations (NOOOOOO!!!!).   It was good to hear Amanda giggle this evening whilst conversing online with Kate-Anne. Good job KA!

9pm
She is in pain, poor love, and just said 'I want my breast back'.....this is no doubt, a quite normal outburst from a lady that's just had a breast removed.... It makes complete sense - I'm so happy to have her home.
Better get back to the foot rubbing, or she'll be taking a blade to my man nips!
Thanks for the music (Carl & Kate-Anne) the books, (Lucy) (Matt), the flowers (Friends) and all the support and love you are all giving, it's awesome.... Truly awesome, thanks so much for everything.
Ow!  Ok, time for me to stroke!  Night night....
PS. Hopefully Amanda will have a full nights sleep tonight, she is very, very tired.  She has hardly slept in over a fortnight, which is mental!

Amanda's Thoughts - Before Kick Out - 8th March.....

One big breast lighter.... Tuesday 8th March

After what seemed to be an extraordinarily long and eventful night, filled with odd thoughts, intense pain, noisy groaning patients and unwelcome nurse visits, I felt the need to emotionally offload. I finally gave up on the possibility of sleep and reached for the net-book around 6am. One visiting nurse actually had the audacity to sneeze uncontrollably several times in my direction. To my horror, she didn't even bother to wash her hands before going on to take my blood pressure (which is rather low, but I think the norm for me – I believe,

Kicking Out Time....

Breakfast was delivered at 8am, and Dehalvi came round shortly after for his morning prod and poke of Amanda.  'You can go home today.' he told her, she looked surprised.... Amanda told me she didn't really want to leave her 'boob' behind.... she didn't want to go home without it.  She had agreed for it be donated to science, to help future 'evil boobs' get back on the right track without having to be removed fully.
I'm currently sitting in the hospital chapel.....

Amanda's Recovery....

Before I hit the hay last night, at around 1am, I was ordered to have a wash in the disinfectant style shower gel provided by the hospital, 'to keep 'germs' out of the bed'..... I feared this may wake me up again, but had little to worry about, I was that shattered, that I think I was asleep before the pillow had time to recoil from whence my head landed upon it's beautiful, soft, comfortable texture.... Sleeeeeeeeep!
3am arrived with a gentle stream of texts

12.18am - Just Home....

Firstly, before I forget, again, Amanda asked anyone reading to become a follower, so we know that everyone is updated, and we don't have to worry that our friends are worrying and stressing because they have not heard from us.  I was meant to say that yesterday, and got told off for not doing so! 

I have just read all the heart warming comments, many, many thanks.  The love for my wife is tremendous, and I love that you all love her so much.  She is truly brilliant, brave and wonderful.
Her mindset this evening, once over the G.A. has been amazing.  She is in a lot of pain though.  She tried to take the leafy stalk from a strawberry and yelped,

The Operation....

15.05

They walked us through the corridors from G Ward to the operating theatre. Amanda gowned up and frightened. Me, fully clothed... and frightened, I was so nervous, I can't imagine how she felt.

It's crazy that we have to walk out through the corridors she commented, I replied that hopefully the pair of socks she was wearing, would be OK to cross the road in! She giggled.

We stood outside the blue doors, waiting to be invited in,

Operation Day....

It's 7am, Amanda has just ran through how she wants her funeral and burial arranged if she doesn't come round after the general anaesthetic (she is petrified!), I couldn't shut her up!  She wants a cardboard coffin, with new age classical music playing, and maybe Magic Numbers, played before and after the service.  She wants an eco friendly urn, and would like to be buried with her Nanna, and if possible,

From Amanda - TORN BETWEEN A KNOWING HEART AND DR'S RECOMMENDATIONS

A big THANK YOU to my lovely pal Kesh who yesterday as we walked her dogs, listened patiently and empathetically as I ranted incessantly and no doubt at times incoherently for well over an hour. Like Mark, Kesh does not

A Night Filled With Questions....

Last night, mostly between 2am and 5am, Amanda went to work on the 'what ifs' again.  Why would people lie about finding a natural cure, why is information carried out by scientists on alternative treatments so quickly disregarded, what if I'm meant to try this, to show others it can be done.  That an operation to remove a tumour in addition to chemo and radiotherapy aren't a necessary evil of the cancer treatment process at all.  The body heals itself from all sorts of things, she said.  She's right, it does!  There are plenty of things,

I WANT ANOTHER ULTRASOUND! Is there an alternative way of checking?

Think this maybe the 3rd post today..... By God, what I wasn't doing vocally, I'm making up for digitally! Well we got the ultrasound this morning.  Dr Penny Haggett, who surely borrowed her name from the Harry Potter books, got to work.  Amanda mouthed to me, 'look at the screen',

The Ballet - La Fille mal gardée

I'd booked these tickets about 7 weeks ago. But certain things had come up, that we hadn't been banking on! We deliberated as to whether or not we would actually attend the performance of La Fille mal gardée by the Birmingham Royal Ballet (I'd deliberated over this very thought whilst I purchased the tickets!). We were both shattered,

Amanda agrees to share her thoughts.....

Thurs 3^rd March – meeting surgeon at 12.30, pre-op at 1.45, battle for right to another ultrasound scan, ongoing and exhausting. I understand that the NHS in the UK is crippled (quite probably, due to our modern day unhealthy lifestyles, often fuelled by desire and sometime greed – that's my current view anyway – like it or not!) however,

Pre op day Part 2

As we sat with the surgeon and the breast care nurse, in the tiny little room, they sat with sympathetic expressions, listening to Amanda's thoughts, questions and ideas on the alternative diets, I felt like this was all very, very real......

Pre-op day....

We've spent many, many hours researching 'which hospital'. Even though the first meeting was with the Oxford NHS Trust, we are considering other hospitals. This is based on the NHS Choices website, where you can compare and review all the hospitals within a certain distance of your postcode. The fact that the Oxford Trust (Horton and the John Radcliffe constituents) performs axillary sampling, as opposed to sentinel lymph node (SLN) biopsies, is the main reason why we have done this. The difference between these two procedures,

Amanda - I want to be alone....

This is one of the hardest things to be told by the person you love most in the entire world. You can't understand why you are being sent away. Amanda feels the need to meditate to manage her anxiety levels at the moment. When she is upset though,

Mastectomy.....

A few minutes ago Amanda sent me an email with pictures of mastectomy scars, she was very upset by these images, stating that if she has to bear such scars, she will vomit and faint. She is very scared of this outcome. I try to understand, but being a man (a sensitive one, that can shed a tear or two) I don't mind the thought of having a now vestigal part of my anatomy removed if it were cancerous (no, it is not vestigal!!!). As I see it, boobs are great when you first meet them.... but then you have seen them a million times. Then as you lovely ladies age, they make their way south, and will eventually begin to look like a caucasian version of some of the tribe's women of the South American rainforests.

I first saw Amanda when I was 21 years of age, she was filling her car with petrol, at a little garage in Port Erin on the Isle of Man. I was driving past, and commented on her superb posterior to my best buddy. I drove around the block hoping to 'construct a meeting' in the little shop where she would be paying for her fuel. I walked in and grabbed some chewing gum (my comedic long hair sitting on my shoulders!) and stood behind her. Not too close Mark, I told myself.... Don't want to give the wrong impression.... Well not just yet anyway. She turned, and our eyes met, I said 'Hi' and smiled, I was petrified, and that's where it ended until the following Saturday. There she was sitting at the bar of a very classy establishment, called, The Falcon. This was where the ladies of Port Erin could pick themselves up a footballer, albeit one who played for one of the local villages or towns, who had to pay £3 to play each week. The lads would stagger around, chests out, surveying their prey..... Horrible to look back on. Anyway, I wasn't like that! I WASN'T!!! I saw Amanda at the bar, and gently approached. I stood near her, then edged closer until I was probably almost sitting on her knee. I concentrated on structuring a suitably impressive coherent introduction, that would match the hair and shiny purple shirt (Good God!!!). Well she didn't run, or look at me in disgust, which meant I wasn't too drunk, and probably not slurring. We chatted, I was smitten. She was kind enough to give me a lift back to my parents house that night too. I tried my best to be naughty, but she was a very good girl. I liked that. Anyway, this is titled mastectomy, and I've gone off on one again. I love Amanda for who she is.... and her bum cheeks, the very same ones that I spotted at the petrol pumps that first meeting. I couldn't give a monkeys about her boobs, or boob for that matter!

In addition to the pictures she sent me, I sent her one back to give her some artistic ideas for the future.

She pointed out that this picture was unrealistic..... She's right.
I'm sorry babe x

What Amanda Wants.....

In this order,

• Not to have breast cancer in the first place, but she has, so let's move on.
• Another Ultrasound tomorrow at her Pre-op meeting.
• A lumpectomy as opposed to a mastectomy.... though this is dependent upon what those other little bastard cells are in the surrounding tissue. Amanda says if they are not to far gone, she will smash them about with fruit, veg, seeds and nuts.... I'm at breaking point, so I doubt the pre invassive cells have a chance!
• An SLN Biopsy, just the sentinel node (one or two) removed from under the armpit. This is to reduce lymphodeama. Some hospitals carry out axillary sampling, taking a few lymph nodes, thus increasing the risk of lymphodeama. JR still do this, but are changing their ways in 3 months. A little late, in my opinion, so we may have to have some heated discussions. Afterall these are life changing decisions.
• No Chemo.... yes, you read it here.... no chemo.... we will have to wait and see on this one, as it could change. She would rather radically alter her diet for now, and if things aren't panning out positvely on the diet front, consider chemo as treatment if need be. I feel confident about her decisions, and she will know when to take further action if need be.

What I want:

Well that doesn't really come into it, but just for the record:

• My wife back fit and healthy, after operation and any adjuvant therapies that maybe required.

That's it really, not that much to ask.

What Amanda Doesn't Want....

CARDS!!!
Thankyou to anyone that has sent a card, but she feels as though these are like 'sympathy cards'.
Money, vouchers and cheques from now on please!

Oh and the flowers we have received have been lovely.

We received a mixed bouquet from a group of friends, Amanda wondered whether the sunflowers had a significance to her condition.
I mentioned Van Gogh, work that one out for yourselves. She laughed. Those of you that know me will know my sense of humour (yes, I have one) can be slightly obscure and at times possibly offensive. I don't mean to offend anyone, but no doubt I will say things that will make people think badly of me. When I make a joke I'm just trying to see the funny side of a truly awful situation, like a clown smiling on the outside. I beg you to pardon my insensitive comments. Cheers.

PS. Julitte, when you brought chocolates to the salon, and Amanda said 'oh thanks that's lovely, but I'm not eating chocolate anymore.' She meant to stop at lovely..... She was mortified, she's been hanging out with me far too long! I thought the chocolates were lovely, thanks.

What have we found out???

Well we have discovered alot about diet. A book called 'The China Study', was a bit of an eye opener. But then you have to look at this chaps studies with a critical eye too. To summarise, massive study in China (he picked a good title for his book!) comparing different counties in China with rates of differing types of cancer. This was all tabulated statistically based on peoples diets and living conditions etc. There were more variables. Anyway to cut a long story short,

The Next Few Days.

These were spent researching, and researching hard! We both spent over 15 hours per day reading old medical papers, newer medical papers, alternative medical theories and all about the recent clinical trials. Focusing more than 24 inches in front of my face (60.96 cm's for all you youngsters out there, you know who you are, and who you aren't!) has become quite a challenge after such a reading fest. Amanda and I cannot move through the house to quickly in case we just crash into things we haven't seen!
There is so much conflicting medical opinion and information out there, which makes Amanda's choice harder. Although it's harder, it does give her the power of choice. As human beings,

The First Couple of Days.....

Tuesday afternoon and evening was spent in shock.... we contemplated keeping it to ourselves, but realised with Amanda's role as a hairdresser, this would be difficult. We decided to tell our closest friends and relatives (knowing that they would save us the repeated anguish of telling everyone that had ever known us, or seen us in passing), this was difficult. I texted my brother, as I knew I'd choke up, I told him I probably wasn't going to tell Mum & Dad as they'd be so upset, and also the fact