To the Penny Brohn and back.... to the Penny Brohn and back....

Amanda enjoyed her Shiatsu massage and meditation at the Penny Brohn Centre yesterday, then went on to enjoy a long bath later that evening, with a massage from yours truly before putting on a guided meditation, which would normally lead to a wonderful sleep..... Well so you'd have thought. But Amanda suffered a pretty sleepless night. A mind busy with all sorts, from visiting the Penny Brohn for the 2 day session today, to our SE Asia journey planning no doubt.

She was originally going to get the train and bus to Bristol, which would have taken an hour and a half all in all, along with a bit of faffing around between train bus and bus change. This no doubt caused her further anxiety. I picked up on her uneasiness and decided to drive her there. It's only a 50 (38 miles) minute drive... and a 50 minute drive back for me.... with a bridge toll of £6.00 which is slightly unfair! Ha ha!

Well I dropped my lovely lady off at 3pm, so I could avoid the rush hour on the way back to Cardiff. A quick trip to the petrol station enroute and I pulled up outside the house at 4.20pm. I reached for the front door key in the little box by the gear stick.... no, not there.... I checked the shelf on the dashboard.... no... not there either.... A pang of concern hit me as I called Amanda's mobile, 'you wouldn't have the front door key per chance?'.....'Oh no, I hope not.... Oh.... I'm soooo sorry, I have'. Great.... another hour and half drive I thought, and another £15 with petrol and the bridge toll, but what can you do. These things happen. I said my goodbyes, deciding that I'd try and contact Carl's brother Alex to see if he or his Dad had a spare key for the house before I decided to drive back to Bristol. As I shut the car door whilst saying goodbye to Amanda, then looking at the iPhone to see if I had Alex's number, a horrible feeling hit me as the car door shut. I felt all my pockets.... NOOOOOOO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! It was, there was my car key jutting out from beneath a bag on the passengers seat.... locked in. From bad to worse in a matter of seconds. I called Amanda, she said she'd get the bus and train back down to me, I told her no, and that I'd sort it somehow. I headed down to the nearest pub, grabbed a mulled wine and sat down hoping to warm up quickly. Armed with only a jumper (no coat) in 5 degrees with cold sleet starting to come down I was not prepared for the Winter outdoors, warmth was indeed a luxury. I checked for Alex's number. No luck. I went online and emailed him. Once that was done I decided to call a mechanic friend in Banbury to see if he had any idea how I could get into the car. He suggested a small wedge of wood hammered into the gap between the passengers side door and frame, then reach in with a coat hanger to try and open the car...... I headed back toward the house, quickly warmed by the mulled wine and cosy interior of the pub. I then remembered I had an AutoAid Breakdown plan which I'd never used. I called them up, and they said they'd have someone out to me. I knocked at our neighbours house Anne Marie, explaining what had happened, she brought me in to warm up and wait for the AutoAid guy to arrive. During that time Alex called, he didn't have a key but was hopeful his Dad probably would, he would call him. I sipped the hot tea that Anne Marie had kindly made me and chatted with d her and her husband John, who'd arrived home from work. The AutoAid man arrived about half an hour later, and had my car open about two minutes later..... soooo easy it was frightening. It literally took him about 20 seconds. A rubber wedge was..... well.... wedged down the window rubber, then a long metal rod was slid down the gap. He then lifted the lock from within the door. Tremendous. Remind me to never leave anything of any value whatsoever in my car ever again! Ha ha!

Whilst I sorted out the paperwork Alex called to inform me of the bad news that their Dad didn't have a spare key.... DOH! My car is drinking oil for fun at the moment, a quick text to tell Amanda I'd be there just after 7pm, and that I was going to top up the Clio with 'car drink' before I began the return journey to lubricate her pipes. She texted back that Ruth said I was more than welcome to join them all for the evening meal if I liked, and even stay on for the night if I liked. Very kind!

Well I finally arrived home at 8.30pm, not a bad drive at this time in the evening, and as a bonus, I dined on a delicious curry whilst there. A four hour delay in getting home..... It could have been a lot worse.... Though during that first minute of 'Amanda do you have the house key' then 'Oh God the car keys!' I didn't think it could! Ha ha!

Poor Amanda felt so bad, but she needn't have, it was just one of those things.... well two of those things acutally! Ha ha!

Cardiff, Salsa and Surgery.

I know, I know..... The posts have become less frequent. You may think I'm slacking.... You may be right, but with so much planning for our trip to South East Asia along with all the work that must be tied up before we head off, there is soooo much to be done! Sorry folks.

Here I am updating the blog from my usual spot, on the first floor of the Penny Brohn Cancer Centre in Bristol. Amanda is here to have her Shiatsu Massage, then partake in a mediation later, which I may also participate in, if I get everything sorted before 12pm (I've just been informed it's a full house, no room at the inn.... ah well.)

Amanda and I have been in Cardiff for heading on for 3 weeks now, no one told us it was one of the wettest places on the planet! Ha ha! I think we have just hit it at a bad time. Here I am living a couple of miles from the fantastic river Taff, yet it has been too high to fish! Tumbling chocolate brown torrents are currently piling their way down stream. Yesterday hail storms combined with thunder and lightning were the order of the day! Gorgeous!  Today?  It's just hammering down.

Amanda has been doing lots of travel planning, the applications for our Vietnam Visas were sent off yesterday, so things are actually starting to happen. Amanda's newish diet is a little more relaxed now, in preparation for travelling, allowing the odd 'out for a meal' treat. Her options are vegetarian or fish dishes. She picks food that won't have dairy in it, so no creamy sauces or anything like that. She's also had the very odd glass of wine or champagne whilst at friends houses, though she is not making a habit of it. Even on 'The Food Hospital' on Channel 4 last night, an oncologist from the Bedfordshire Hospital stated that any positives from the reservatrol found in red wine is outweighed by the fact that it contains alcohol. He went on to say that even one alcoholic beverage a day is harmful as far as cancer goes.  Two friends of ours in Banbury, Pete & Tracey recently gave up boozing, fed up of suffering two to three day hangovers. They were at a gathering on Saturday night, orange juicing it all night long. Lovely to see. But like us, the first question they were always asked was why? You must have an answer prepared for the UK's alcohol adoring masses! Ha ha! It's hard for us all to get a grasp of why anyone would stop enjoying the inebriating benefits of alcohol, isn't it?!!! Ha ha! It's only when someone suffers from a directly related health issue that most folk decide to actually cut down. Yes cut down, very rarely give it up! It's amazing isn't it. Booze has a powerful hold over the majority of Great Britain!

The Bedfordshire Oncologist also has his cancer patients on 'Cancer Diets'. Broccoli, Turmeric, Tomatoes and tonnes of other fruit and veg..... many of the foods you'd have read about here many months ago. Things are changing! Even on the 10 o'clock news last week, it was stated that if people made lifestyle changes with regards to their diet alone, between 40% & 50% of cancers would never happen. That's a hell of a lot of cancer!

There is still no mention of depression and anxiety suppressing the immune system in the huge media circles as yet, but it will come. Probably another 10 more years down the line and we'll start hearing rumblings about peace of mind and the massive benefits of meditation.

Whilst lay in bed the night before last, just looking in to one anothers eyes, I'd suggested doing 'the eyes' for 5 whole minutes, not a staring contest or anything, just looking and loving. About 1 minute into the session  my beautiful wife burst into tears and sobbed. She wouldn't tell me why, she didn't want to talk about it. It was incredibly sad to see. I just snuggled her into my chest and stroked her until we started dropping off to sleep. Shortly after that I no doubt started to twitch and kick like a dreaming dog, pulling, pushing and poking her!

Last night we put on a Learn to Salsa DVD. It was great fun, apart from me getting grumpy about not being able to follow the steps. Freestyling, that's more my style! I've got the loose hips, but I do seem to struggle when following the hip swaying maestro's on screen performance! We have the basic steps down now, I just have to look at my feet the entire time, whilst permanently expressing of deep strained level of concentration all over my face..... In another week we'll be Salsa-ing with the best of 'em!

When we went to bed Amanda asked me was I going to make her cry again tonight, and giggled.

She then opened up about why she'd become so upset.

It's all to do with her operation. She doesn't like me to look at her anymore (how could I not, she is adorable, sexy and beautiful  -  except her angry face). How ever beautiful I think she still is, it remains in her mind that she must now be repulsive to me. She feels like she's some sort of physical freak, which is so so sad. I think she is as beautiful as she ever was. I'd love to see her comfortable again in her own skin. Within 10 minutes I thought it only fitting to physically demonstrate how sexy and beautiful she still is! Way haaaay! From deep and sensitive one minute to sexual innuendos the next. Sorry folks. 

I do think it worked a little bit, I'll have to keep trying this method to test it's long term efficiency as a form of treatment - I know I know, but someone has to do it!  Ha ha!  Maybe I can come at it from a different angle..... How rude! Ha ha! 

Amanda would consider surgery if.... well, if it didn't mean surgery really. She'd like to 'even herself up' as she puts it. She feels a bit wonky. But let me tell you, she still looks awesome! Surgery is certainly not required for my benefit, but if it made Amanda feel better in herself, less self conscious and more self loving again, well it may be something she looks further down the line.

Speak soon xxx

Long Time No Chat....

Another fortnight has whizzed by.  We've been working and trying to sort out the logistics of our move to Cardiff then the Isle of Man.  We had a house sale last Sunday, and took about £300 for our efforts.  We shifted lots of bits and bobs, but still seem to have.... well.... lots of bits and bobs.  All the pieces of furniture we wanted to sell did sell, apart from a lovely little mahogany table.  That's now going to Stu & Holly's (if that's ok guys)!  Ha ha!  We loaded Stu's car up

What's been happening?

Busy, busy, busy my friends.
Amanda has decided that after over 6 months of full on Gerson Therapy is enough is enough.  She has eased the regime down to include a few fresh organic juices each day, as and when she wants them.  This plus an organic, vegan diet, with no processed white sugar, salt or flour.  This may sound like a bind to the majority of you, but to us it's wonderful..... Freeeeeeedom (said in a loud Scottish accent like Mel Gibson when he portrayed William Wallace in Braveheart, what a brilliant film!)
She has chosen to carry on taking

10 Days on The Rock

The Rock, as I affectionately now know my birth place, the Isle of Man was, for the last 10 days our home once again.  On the right you can see a typical days weather for the island.  Amanda had me standing on those steps in the distance with my fishing rod!!!  Whilst I told her to hurry up, she was telling me to wait, as she didn't know how to work my camera.  Wait!!!???  Look at it!

An extremely stress filled 190 mile drive

The Journey

Soooo sorry.... I've took soooo long to update, 10 days.... It's simply not good enough. I know.

I suppose the mini heatwave we have, and still are experiencing has had something to do with it. Twenty six to twenty seven degrees Celsius at the end of September is simply balmy! It's been wonderful. That aside, Amanda has still been suffering much anxiety, confusion and sadness. There is joy in amongst it, but she just feels she has so much to do.

Amanda and her sister attended another one of Brandon Bays 'Journey Seminars' last weekend, but this time as 'process assistants', partnering up with those attempting their first process. Helping people come to terms with deep emotional problems, problems that have been

Somethings Gotta Give!

Last week Amanda was suffering emotionally, feeling really down in the dumps. She was depressed and still is.  Ground Hog Day, where everyday is exactly the same as the one before, was becoming too much for my little lady. No juices, no enemas, no Gerson she said..... That's what was happening on Tuesday..... She was totally 100% fed up, and very upset. I tried to take the helm, but

A fortnight slides by.......

Wow, and sorry.
Where did the time go?  We spent a week on the Isle of Man seeing our families.  I managed to get some superb surfing and fishing in, the inclement autumnal weather lending itself better to the surfing!  It was fantastic to escape the world for a few hours.  Bobbing around on the sea, wetsuited up, as it's bloody cold.  Just waiting for next swell to push it's way from the deep water up into the shallows, creating a beautiful wave to be ridden by it's luck captor,  it really was a joy.  Being out on the waves with three

Fired and Re-hired, Then Fired Again..... The life of an amateur juicer.

I week has gone by.... and yet again I've not had the chance to go into details about the coffee enemas, so now seems as good a time as any doesn't it? But then the week has gone by too, and I want to tell you how Amanda is. So once again this is going to have to wait for a few days, I will get there though, I promise.

Wendy thanks for your kind comments and observations, it's lovely to hear from friends on the blog.

Amanda is amazing, she has incredible strength of body and mind, I'm only a helper..... Which does take the pressure off a bit some days, but other days

Retreat into Stillness....

Hi dedicated followers.... all 42 of you, whom I can no longer see as there has been some problem with our BlogSpot followers tab, but I know you're out there, and thank you for that.
Amanda had a lovely week at the Penny Brohn Centre.  She was able to spend time alone, without me in tow, bothering her, constantly mythering her, talking incesantly, poking and prodding.  They had only one day where silence fell upon the group.  Amanda apparently spent most of the silent lunch

All is good!

We've had a great week.
According to our GP, Amanda's blood tests have shown improvements for her liver function, and everything is looking fine and dandy blood wise.
The Gerson Practitioner also seems happy with the results.  All in all great news.
Sadly this changes nothing!  Ha ha!  Amanda is still on her restricted regime, and the juicing ploughs on regardless. Amanda is sticking to Gerson's Therapy where she can, unless of course we are away on a weekend, or as she is this week, at Penny Brohn.  She still dines on organic goodness, but

In the Summer time when the weather is fine!

I don't have an awful lot to report this week folks.

We've done as normal.... as you know already.... The weather has been very hot, the Swiss Chard and Lettuce garden silently screamed for refreshment, swayingly aggitadedly in the 25 degrees breeze. Their prayers were later answered, when yesterday an entire morning of the wet stuff deluged their leaves and roots.

Today, as I sit here quietly typing on my little organic grocery stall, the temperature is slowly roasting me - note I didn't say burning - that's past stupid, increasing your risk of skin cancer by leaps and bounds, no one should risk getting burned these days, though no one

My Wonderful Friday Off..... Not this week!

Well where I said I love Friday's I'd like to take it back.  It is currently the worst day of the week.
The juicing, the soup (including a visit to stupid Tescos to pick up organic celery and leeks to make the soup) work and the arrival of the organic fruit and veg.... I delivered boxes to the outskirts of Banbury this morning too, with the promise

Another week.....

Sitting on the stall is always a good time to update you all with Amanda's progress, and what's been happening during the week.

We were at The Penny Brohn Cancer Care Centre on Wednesday, not much to tell this time. It was a short visit. Amanda had her Shiatsu Massage at 9.30am, then a guided group meditation before lunch. It was nice to see her painting still on the wall in the art room, they obviously appreciated it and found the message thoughtful...'Trust in you heart it will show you the way'. There was more, but my memory is rubbish.... Argh! Where am I!!? At lunch time Amanda invited a lady who'd been on the group meditation to sit join us at our little table for two. The lady had suffered bowel cancer a little over 5 years ago. She felt

Journeys and Nandos....mmmmm.... Nandos.

Last Wednesday Amanda had a trip to London arranged - I use the word 'arranged' in it's loosest context.
She was meant to be leaving around 12pm, heading to a hotel to meet with a lady she met on one of The Journey seminars a few weeks ago.
By 10.30am there was still no hotel booked, and she required two nights, as on the Thursday she was attending a session that included varying holistic therapies, combined with

AMANDA, JUST LET ME DO IT!

So after a very tempestuous week of high lows, tears and joy.... mainly tears, we've reached the end of the week. I am sitting on the organic grocery stall, the sunshine peeping through the dense cloud cover that over the past couple of days has provided our organic veg garden with much needed water. Things could be a lot worse. Neighbours kids charge up

Highs and Lows.

Since I last spoke to you all (or the one or two that still read this blog, as there are not many now, not according to the statistics.  Seems once Amanda's struggle with the decision on her mastectomy, then the Gerson Therapy vs Chemo saga were all over, friends lost interest.  Everyone loves a bit of drama.  Well sorry folks, there will be little bits of drama here and there but hopefully

The Journey Manifestation Gig & Penny Brohn Cancer Centre

Well hello folks.
Last weekend Jane (Amanda's sister) came over from the Isle of Man to attend one of Brandon Bay's (The lady that started 'The Journey', an emotional self help programme) UK seminars, with Amanda.  This one was called 'Manifest Abundance'.  It's always great when Jane comes over, because for the few hours she is here, either on the way to a seminar or on the way back to the airport, she makes herself incredibly useful.  She takes over the juicing so Amanda and I can

Pharmaceuticals Conglomerates, Medicines and Financial Markets.

Watched a very interesting documentary a couple of nights ago.  It was based around foods, vitamins and natural compounds used in treating and curing illnesses.  It illustrated that in America and the UK through misdiagnosis, allergic reactions to drugs with dire consequences and long term effects of prescriptions months or years down the line, along with hospital super bugs,  pharmaceutical companies (pharma's) hospitals and the medical profession are right up there with the top boys for leading causes of death in the US!  Bloody Nora, where does

Amanda plays catch up.....

Hi Folks. Well it's been quite some time since I read Mark's blog and even longer since I posted on it.   I must say that as always, I enjoyed catching up on his thoughts, funnies and rantings...  However, if I'm honest, which I always aim to be - even more so recently after learning of the 'important psychological and physical benefits of honest,

Anxiety.....

Well hello....
Long time no speak.  Last week we were on the Isle of Man for my brother's wedding.  I was playing best man, good God it was nerve racking, but it went well, and the speech was appreciated by most..... some may have found it a little offensive in places, but surely that's what a best mans' speech is all about!
Amanda spent time with her Mum, and even went to see her Dad, which is a strained relationship to say the least.  Less said, the better I think.  I caught lovely

Bad-to-eat-icides & The Proob.

This week in addition to work, organic fruit n veg and Gerson Therapy, we have been reading 'Anti-cancer A New Way of Life.'  Again, another eye opener, cementing everything and more that I've already mentioned previously on nutrition and emotions.  The studies in this particular book are much more recent, plus lots of new discoveries nutritionally.  I don't want to turn this blog in to a 'How to Avoid Cancer' or 'How to Cure Cancer', there are plenty of books

The Moonwalk, The Grand Total & Wholesale Organic Veg.

Well Amanda & Kesha completed the Moonwalk in under three hours!  Get in ladies, and get in to everyone else who participated (Sandra & Cheryl of course) to raise money for 'Uniting Against Breast Cancer'.  Thanks to everyone who supported the Charity Auction & Quiz, and everyone else that sponsored the Amanda & Kesha.  Do you want to know what we all raised?  Of course you do.  From the initial meagre target of £250, which was constantly being upped

Healing, Cranio Sacral Therapy and Wholesale Organic Veg.....

Good evening everyone.
I trust you are all well.  Amanda has left me home alone. She and the girls have headed to watch Mama Mia tonight in London, then on the Saturday, well, a quick 13 mile walk through Hyde Park, starting at 9pm.  The Moonwalk, the event that you all so generously supported is taking place.  I am still yet to tally up the monies fully.  I will do this over the weekend, promise!
Amanda went to 'work' at the salon on Monday, and completed 3 hours waving her hands

The week gone by - May 7th.

This week, you'll be surprised to know, we've had our head's in the books again.  We've enjoyed more beautiful weather, and the lettuce leaves are starting to show in the veg patch.  Amanda, whilst snuggled into my chest, shed a few tears of fear and anxiety, which anyone who has experienced what she has or any other form of life threatening illness will understand.  She also feels restricted by the therapy regime.  She is strong, but everyone has to release their emotions, clear the pipes as such.  Gerson Therapy is well under way, not always 13 juices but near enough 9 to13 daily.  Sometimes

How is she?

When ever I bump into our friends or Amanda's salon clients, I get this question.... Sometimes with an added 'Good days and bad days?' or something along those lines before I've even had a chance to answer. It's funny really, people expect certain things of someone who has been diagnosed with cancer. For starters we all have an image of someone with cancer. We expect them to have no hair,

Penny Brohn..... and Travellers.

On Tuesday I hit Tescos at 6.30am, it was lovely.  Only staff to get in my way, which seems to happen more in Tescos than any other supermarket in town.  After 10 minutes of fruiting and veg-ing, and swift drive home, I started Amanda's juicing regime at 7am.
I decided to do the full whack of juices for her, I was aiming for 13. By the end of the day she had swigged 12 fresh veg juices, no sorry, it was 11, as she didn't make her own one at 7pm whilst I was playing footy.  It's alot, and doing that much juicing is bloody time consuming to say the least.... for every 3-4 juices,

The Easter Weekend.

The Easter weekend is almost at an end. The weather has yet again been dazzlingly beautiful for everyone to enjoy. This is the main downside to Mr Gerson's plan. Yes Amanda and I can enjoy our wonderful garden, and the sprouting shoots that are beginning to establish themselves in fairly neat rows, some a little closer to one another than they should be, but Amanda likes them to be cosy as they grown, but we can't just jump in the car and bugger off somewhere, like we used to. This is an inconvenience for us both. We both like to head off at the drop of a hat, this is the main reason

Penny Brohn - Part II

Amanda's hatred (which wasn't hatred in fact) dispersed quickly in the gentle atmosphere of The Penny Brohn Centre.  She said she didn't want me to project my feelings of anxiety (work related) upon her, as she was already dealing with as much as she could cope with, which was understandable.  I didn't mean too, I was just airing my work related concerns.  I wasn't really thinking.  Anyways,

Penny Brohn Centre & The Journey Seminar

Amanda and Jane arrived back on Monday night after their 'Journey Experience'. They returned full of stories. They told me of other peoples Journey's, their fights against cancer and other illnesses, through various forms of meditation (mind and body healing). Out of the 150 or so folks at the seminar,

This Week & The Quiz & Auction!

It's been another week of learning, really swatting up on nutrition.  Refreshing, renewing and updating my old Biology knowledge..... University was many, many moons ago!
Amanda's pains are subsiding, though her blood pressure has been low.  She is managing to

Auction List for tonight!

Sorry I've been rubbish this week

rushed off my feet, will update tomorrow morning!

PRIZES TO BE AUCTIONED

DONATED BY: DESCRIPTION: VALUE

Adele Wilson Try Scuba Diving (for 2) £50.00

Susie Cut & Style £38.50

Ellen Readin Cut & Colour £80.00

Ellie Auld Cut & Colour £90.00

Kelly Moriarty Glass Bead Jewellery £10.00

Sarah Nunn Charity Bear – Names provided Can raise

Holly National Trust Hamper and Books £100.00

National Trust Tickets £50.00

Suzie's Client Signed Schumacher Baseball Cap £45.00

From 2011 GP

Suzie's Client Home Shell Therapy £35.00

Donna Meredith Fairy Princess Party Box for 10 £40.00

Disney Princess Party Box for 10 £40.00

Martin/Em Home Produce (once a month for yr) £45.00

Drennan Team England Jacket £35.00

Nicky Gough Will & Last Testament Service £200.00

Able & Cole Organic Produce Voucher £17.50

Riverford Organic Produce Voucher £15.00

Ryan Men’s Bench Watch £30.00

Woman’s Morgan Watch £20.00

Leather Purse £5.00

Ryan Avon Toiletries £30.00

Breakfast Hamper £20.00

Esther Staples Professional Homemade Designer Cake 175.00

Helena Borthwick Hypnotherapy Session £50.00

Mark Fishing Session £50.00

Clattercote Fishing 7 day passes ticket £35.00

Karen Mckay Fancy Dress Voucher to the value of £25.00

Perfect Presents Small Picture Frame £10.00

Kesha True Nails Pedicure & Manicure £30.00

K T Lu's Sequin & Diamonte Clutch Bag £10.00

Caroline Dixon MOT at Vauxhall Banbury £49.95

Full Service Boyle's Motors M.C. £160.00

Chistian Dior ladies presc specs £150.00

Signed Doctor Who Pillow Case £ Memorabilia

Tour of F1 Factory at Silverstone for 6 £100.00

Rear Wing from F1 Spyker (2007) £Memorabilia

Autographed Fisichella Print £Memorabilia

Pampered Chef Capacinno Cups £17.50

Lee McCallum Dinner for two at The Black Boy £50.00

Gerson Practitioner & Penny Brohn Centre.

Our birthday weekend went by beautifully, the weather held up, I dug a new veg patch, and sifted the soil to the consistency of the finest enama coffee granules.  Our birthday Saturday was lovely, with a trip to Oxford's Comedy Club, a fun night indeed.  Sunday was a drive up to Melton Mowbray to meet with Stephen Gamble, the Gerson Practitioner, his wife Melanie and his cat.  We arrived at the house at 9.50am for the 10am kick off.  We pulled up tight behind the Suzuki Swift on

Beautiful warm sunshine.....

This rather balmy April weather makes everything wonderful.  Every decision is bathed in glorious vitamin D filled sunshine, simply superb.  Over the past few days Amanda has busied herself with further reading, about the Gerson Therapy, and the majority of cooking. She has been doing her exercises regularly, trying to get her arm back to normal.  Me? I've been up to my eyeballs this week with work, food shopping, juicing dishwashing.
Super healthy alfresco dining has been the order of the week, anything you can do indoors is so much better if it can be enjoyed outdoors. 
The new Angel Juicer is amaaaaaaaaaaazing,  (though it does struggle with the wings, halos and flowing hair!).  It manages to grind every last drop of juice from any vegetable we throw in it's masticating path.  It also looks rather fantastic, which is a bonus.  It's also much easier to clean than the centrifugal fruit juicers which when you are cleaning it between eight and ten times a day is a real another massive bonus.  The main problem I've encountered with this particular juicer, is the fact that it does actually require cleaning! 

I did forget to mention on Wednesday's post, about the chemotherapy meeting, that the version they offered Amanda was called FEC.  Now, my Mum's side of the family is irish, and anyone who has ever watched 'Father Ted' or indeed been to Southern Ireland, will have heard this terminology on a fairly regular basis.  It's a little irish substitute for the very similar sounding f#$k.  It is commonly used due to it's more pleasing  and acceptable sound to the ears.  After Dr Levitt, had sat there, saying FEC this, FEC that, for a good solid two minutes, even though this was an extremely serious conversation, my sides were at the point of splitting.  My breathing had to become so shallow, to control the impending explosion of laughter, I had the choice of fainting or roaring with laughter.  It was so  inappropriate, but I couldn't get it out of my head. FEC this FEC that, FEC OFF!!! Your about to make me p*ss myself laughing, how embarrassing will this be.  When she finished up with FEC-T (FEC with a twist), an image of a cancer rapping stereotypical street hood appeared in my head, he looked toughed, but rapped about chemo.... weird, and in my mind this didn't help stave off the laughter.
When Doc Levitt finished FEC'ing, I commented on the name of treatment, to assist in diffusing the intesity of what was building up inside.  She did giggle, and commented on the poor choice of letter configuration for this treatment.  I then informed her that the previous two minutes were verging on the unbearably for me, it felt better to get it out there and be honest.  Aaaaaaah, what a relief.  Dr Levitt by now, must have wondered what she'd come up against.  'Alternative Amanda' and 'Dark Mark'. 
Amanda had already FEC'ed the idea of chemotherapy off, and instead of FEC-T she was having organic green t.  This is how she rolls!
Dr Levitt has also put us in touch with one of her previous patients, she contacted us by email yesterday, we will be chatting with her next week.  She sounds like another wonderful lady.

Tomorrow is the meeting with 'The Gerson Practitioner', he has a cat and a wife.  Bye x
PS.  He lives in Melton Mowbray, I thought this was comedically ironic too.....

The Oncologist Meeting....

While outdoor temperatures soared to 21 degrees celcius, we sat in the outpatient's conservatory, slowly baking like King Edwards potatoes.  Our appointment with Dr Levitt was for 3pm... it was now 3.45pm.  It's never a great way to start a meeting.  When we entered her room, almost 50 minutes late,

Back a couple of days.... Then Meeting with Surgeon....

Well we arrived back during the early hours of Saturday morning, my Sat Nav having guided me incorrectly around a detour on the M6 closure between junctions 15 and 14, meant an extra 40 minutes were added on to Amanda's sleep time, and my drive time. 
As we sleepily undressed in bedroom at 3.45am, we heard drunken, overly loud voices at the front door.  Robyn had arrived home with a friend, after a heavy night of boozing and dancing.  Amanda was less than happy. 
We rose at 10am.  Saturday morning was spent cleaning and scouring the kitchen.  Saturday night was spent

Back to Banbury....

Tonight we allow ourselves to be tossed around on the Irish Sea in force 7 to 8 winds, oh what joy!
The past few days have been great.  Surrounded by our families, who have all offered great support for Amanda, and indeed myself. 
Amanda has taken advantage of the last few days, spending as much time with her Mum and sisters as possible.  Even though she does need her own space, I know she also feels

Extended Stay.....

Yesterday Amanda decided she'd like to stay on the IOM for a few more days, so we have extended our trip until Friday night.  She can spend more time with her Mum and sisters, and this is what she wants at the moment. 
Yesterday we found a quiet spot to sit a couple of hours ahead of sunset, at one of the southerly points on the Island, called The Sound.  A very beautiful spot, where seals frolic in the icy waters of the Irish Sea, and gull calls constantly fill the air.  The sky was blue, and the sun was bright.  It was wonderful.
Amanda wanted me to partake in

Back to the Rock....

Sorry for being lax the last few days. 
We made a late decision to head to the Isle of Man on Thursday night/Friday morning, immediately after we got thrashed in our semi final.  I was accompanied by James Vincent McMorrow's gentle dulcet tones, tremendous (cheers Carl!).  Amanda had the passengers seat laid back and slept, I listened to McMorrow on repeat for 3 full hours.  Amanda woke up for a short period,

The Results.

Good news. We weren't involved in a major car accident on the way to the hospital, the birds were singing the bees were humming, the sun was blazing. Simply lovely.

We arrived at the hospital, Amanda had her pea sized lump checked. Sally suggested it was just part of the scar tissue, but Dehalvi could take a look next week, just to set her mind at ease.

I made Amanda a cup of green tea, and myself a strong black tea with a splash of milk, and half a teaspoon of sugar. We went into the little side room,

The Weekend....

It was beautiful, birds were singing, bees were humming and butterflies were fluttering (thanks for organising all that Gaz).  It was simply wonderful.  Amanda decided it was time I started sorting out the garden (she would have loved to help, but is simply not up to it) for our organic veg plot.  Amanda got down and dirty with some deep meditation.
She told me she was going to clear her chakras, I questioned was clearing her chakras in the garden not going to leave a bit of a mess, she assured me

Removing my blinkers.... a bit.....

I'm not usually one for alternative approaches, and New Age healing.  I've always thought all of this as a poor second to 'real medicine'. Amanda has a plethora of books on this type of thing.  Wise words from ancient philosophers, to more modern day gurus of natural approaches to healing.  I try not to be too blinkered, acting like science is the 'be all and end all', well I am trying!  When you watch programmes on Quantum Physics for instance, they baffle you with alternative dimensions, and this life we're all part of, being nothing more than a hologram.... and then.... I'm lost....  So to show how open minded I am, I read, 'The Secret'.  Caroline bought it for Amanda.  I picked it up

Up, Downs and Wounds-a-Daisy!

You will no doubt have seen Amanda is suffering from ups and downs, as anyone would expect.  The pain is the number one factor, with the reliance on me to help being number two, the breastless area comes in at number two aswell I reckon.  Amanda was in a great mood Tuesday, until she actually got out of bed (not sleeping, doing stuff, typing, reading, researching etc), and went to find something to wear, she realised her wardrobe was not awash with mono-boob attire, even the simplest of clothing wouldn't sit how she wanted it too, they were either too low at the neck, or.... something else...

Amanda's thoughts on Monday 14th - The Day Before The Good Day....

THIS MORNING IS OFFICIALY SHITE...
As I make that statement the strong sensible positive voice in my head sighs... 'Oh how bloody melancholy and dramatic!' - and quite frankly its dead right. However, this realisation does not change the fact that today I feel like absolute utter crap.

What a difference a day can make, or for that matter, an hour, a minute, a thought or a comment.  So much can change so quickly and often it is

Monday.....

The last couple of days have been very difficult, the main factors being, breast cancer, exhaustion due to lack of sleep and finally Amanda's period.  Amanda has been even more frustrated than ever, furious that the arm, pit and chest are still so painful.  Even the nurse commented on how unusually heavily bruised it was,

Sunday March 13th....

Football on a Saturday has been my 'blow out', my 'release' from everything that has happened to my wonderful wife over the past three weeks.  Usually I tend to daydream alot, even when playing football, guarding the goals, whilst the ball is at the other end of the pitch, 'Oh, look a buzzard'..... General observations of the world around me.  I love the natural world, it's incredible.  But last week, and this week's matches have seen me incredibly focused, or as focused as I tend to get.  This is because I have only had two things in my mind,

Amanda Says...“UP YOU GET - WE NEED THAT BED!"

Another incredibly long sleepless night ensures that exhaustion oozes from my every pore.  If only exhaustion alone could beat cancer, then I'd have this fight in the bag already.  In order to take on and defeat this evil villain, I need to richly nourish both my body and mind with lashing of fabulously healthy food and peaceful sleep.  I'm working really hard to fill my body and mind with only natural goodness and ideally, I don't want to put any poisons in – prescribed, or otherwise.   However, drained beyond comprehension and low in mood, I feel I have little choice and make a mental note that tonight,

11th March....

This morning I woke with a slight head ache and grogginess, I thought nothing of it until I looked down at my chest, to see nail and teeth marks around  my right nipple.... Hmmmmmm.  Lucy's duct tape idea may well prove to be my best option.... for now!
Amanda is still very sad about the entire event,

Amanda says.... 'DAYS BEHIND MY EMOTIONS - TUESDAY BLUES......'

I don't work Monday's, so Tuesday is the day that I occasionally experience what is commonly referred to as the Monday Blues. A low pressure that often follows a weekend high - usually brought about by a reluctance to return to a ridged work routine after two days of lovely fun filled freedom. Thankfully, I enjoy my job and so Monday (or Tuesday in my case) blues aren’t that much of an issue for me. Today however - I'm loathing Tuesday,

Home at last.....

After being evicted from the private room at 11am, we waited in 'the day room' conservatory for Amanda's pain relief medication, and additional medication to be taken before the pain relief medication, to hinder the pain relief medication from causing pain in Amanda's tummy,(confused yet?) allowing the pain relief medication to do it's proper job on 'the wound'.  Amanda was tired, I was hungry and thirsty, and having been denied tea, by the 'tea lady' (I've demoted her from 'tea nurse') I ninja'd my way into the kitchen and made a fresh cuppa for myself, whilst pilfering the NHS's supply of ginger nuts and shortbread biscuits..... That'll teach 'em! I offered an old dear whom I was chatting with whilst I was helping myself, "would you like a top up", she laughed and said she was fine. She then pointed out where the biscuits were stashed! A woman after my own heart! 
Three hours later, Sally the breast cancer nurse turned up.  She ran through wound care, and problems that could possibly occur over the next few days, such as serenoma.  This is swelling caused by fluid build up, it can occur after the drain is removed.  The wound needs redressing every two or three days, by the doctor, and then by the middle of next week, it needs to see daylight.  I fear Amanda dreads this day!
We headed to the salon on the way home for Amanda to have her hair washed.  She felt a lot better for it too.  We got home, and Amanda started to miss her boob.  The softy (A fake breast, well not really a fake breast, a little cushion that impersonates a breast under clothing)., was not having the desired effect.  For starters it wasn't physically attached to her, secondly it was a slightly different size to her 'natural boob', and thirdly it was far perkier! (Only joking love).  She was missing her body part, and told the nurse she felt as though she'd been robbed.  She had been, but not only had they taken a piece of my wife’s lovely body, they also removed a deathly poison that had decided to make it's home there, and no doubt an extension would have been planned in the near future, and this was a risk that the doctors weren't willing to take.

4pm.
Amanda is very down this afternoon, it pains me to see her sad, and me doing the normal joking around or making stupid comments won't ease the sadness, so I don't.  I just make sure I'm there for her.....

8pm
A few days ago I mentioned I'd give up my nipples for her, today she has talked about that a lot, even mentioning it in conversation with one of her friends.... I'm sleeping on my front for a few months..... She can have them, of course, but when it came to those more intimate times, it could be a little strange.  I don't need to go any further, I think you can use your imaginations (NOOOOOO!!!!).   It was good to hear Amanda giggle this evening whilst conversing online with Kate-Anne. Good job KA!

9pm
She is in pain, poor love, and just said 'I want my breast back'.....this is no doubt, a quite normal outburst from a lady that's just had a breast removed.... It makes complete sense - I'm so happy to have her home.
Better get back to the foot rubbing, or she'll be taking a blade to my man nips!
Thanks for the music (Carl & Kate-Anne) the books, (Lucy) (Matt), the flowers (Friends) and all the support and love you are all giving, it's awesome.... Truly awesome, thanks so much for everything.
Ow!  Ok, time for me to stroke!  Night night....
PS. Hopefully Amanda will have a full nights sleep tonight, she is very, very tired.  She has hardly slept in over a fortnight, which is mental!

Amanda's Thoughts - Before Kick Out - 8th March.....

One big breast lighter.... Tuesday 8th March

After what seemed to be an extraordinarily long and eventful night, filled with odd thoughts, intense pain, noisy groaning patients and unwelcome nurse visits, I felt the need to emotionally offload. I finally gave up on the possibility of sleep and reached for the net-book around 6am. One visiting nurse actually had the audacity to sneeze uncontrollably several times in my direction. To my horror, she didn't even bother to wash her hands before going on to take my blood pressure (which is rather low, but I think the norm for me – I believe,

Kicking Out Time....

Breakfast was delivered at 8am, and Dehalvi came round shortly after for his morning prod and poke of Amanda.  'You can go home today.' he told her, she looked surprised.... Amanda told me she didn't really want to leave her 'boob' behind.... she didn't want to go home without it.  She had agreed for it be donated to science, to help future 'evil boobs' get back on the right track without having to be removed fully.
I'm currently sitting in the hospital chapel.....

Amanda's Recovery....

Before I hit the hay last night, at around 1am, I was ordered to have a wash in the disinfectant style shower gel provided by the hospital, 'to keep 'germs' out of the bed'..... I feared this may wake me up again, but had little to worry about, I was that shattered, that I think I was asleep before the pillow had time to recoil from whence my head landed upon it's beautiful, soft, comfortable texture.... Sleeeeeeeeep!
3am arrived with a gentle stream of texts

12.18am - Just Home....

Firstly, before I forget, again, Amanda asked anyone reading to become a follower, so we know that everyone is updated, and we don't have to worry that our friends are worrying and stressing because they have not heard from us.  I was meant to say that yesterday, and got told off for not doing so! 

I have just read all the heart warming comments, many, many thanks.  The love for my wife is tremendous, and I love that you all love her so much.  She is truly brilliant, brave and wonderful.
Her mindset this evening, once over the G.A. has been amazing.  She is in a lot of pain though.  She tried to take the leafy stalk from a strawberry and yelped,

The Operation....

15.05

They walked us through the corridors from G Ward to the operating theatre. Amanda gowned up and frightened. Me, fully clothed... and frightened, I was so nervous, I can't imagine how she felt.

It's crazy that we have to walk out through the corridors she commented, I replied that hopefully the pair of socks she was wearing, would be OK to cross the road in! She giggled.

We stood outside the blue doors, waiting to be invited in,

Operation Day....

It's 7am, Amanda has just ran through how she wants her funeral and burial arranged if she doesn't come round after the general anaesthetic (she is petrified!), I couldn't shut her up!  She wants a cardboard coffin, with new age classical music playing, and maybe Magic Numbers, played before and after the service.  She wants an eco friendly urn, and would like to be buried with her Nanna, and if possible,

From Amanda - TORN BETWEEN A KNOWING HEART AND DR'S RECOMMENDATIONS

A big THANK YOU to my lovely pal Kesh who yesterday as we walked her dogs, listened patiently and empathetically as I ranted incessantly and no doubt at times incoherently for well over an hour. Like Mark, Kesh does not

A Night Filled With Questions....

Last night, mostly between 2am and 5am, Amanda went to work on the 'what ifs' again.  Why would people lie about finding a natural cure, why is information carried out by scientists on alternative treatments so quickly disregarded, what if I'm meant to try this, to show others it can be done.  That an operation to remove a tumour in addition to chemo and radiotherapy aren't a necessary evil of the cancer treatment process at all.  The body heals itself from all sorts of things, she said.  She's right, it does!  There are plenty of things,

I WANT ANOTHER ULTRASOUND! Is there an alternative way of checking?

Think this maybe the 3rd post today..... By God, what I wasn't doing vocally, I'm making up for digitally! Well we got the ultrasound this morning.  Dr Penny Haggett, who surely borrowed her name from the Harry Potter books, got to work.  Amanda mouthed to me, 'look at the screen',

The Ballet - La Fille mal gardée

I'd booked these tickets about 7 weeks ago. But certain things had come up, that we hadn't been banking on! We deliberated as to whether or not we would actually attend the performance of La Fille mal gardée by the Birmingham Royal Ballet (I'd deliberated over this very thought whilst I purchased the tickets!). We were both shattered,

Amanda agrees to share her thoughts.....

Thurs 3^rd March – meeting surgeon at 12.30, pre-op at 1.45, battle for right to another ultrasound scan, ongoing and exhausting. I understand that the NHS in the UK is crippled (quite probably, due to our modern day unhealthy lifestyles, often fuelled by desire and sometime greed – that's my current view anyway – like it or not!) however,

Pre op day Part 2

As we sat with the surgeon and the breast care nurse, in the tiny little room, they sat with sympathetic expressions, listening to Amanda's thoughts, questions and ideas on the alternative diets, I felt like this was all very, very real......

Pre-op day....

We've spent many, many hours researching 'which hospital'. Even though the first meeting was with the Oxford NHS Trust, we are considering other hospitals. This is based on the NHS Choices website, where you can compare and review all the hospitals within a certain distance of your postcode. The fact that the Oxford Trust (Horton and the John Radcliffe constituents) performs axillary sampling, as opposed to sentinel lymph node (SLN) biopsies, is the main reason why we have done this. The difference between these two procedures,

Amanda - I want to be alone....

This is one of the hardest things to be told by the person you love most in the entire world. You can't understand why you are being sent away. Amanda feels the need to meditate to manage her anxiety levels at the moment. When she is upset though,

Mastectomy.....

A few minutes ago Amanda sent me an email with pictures of mastectomy scars, she was very upset by these images, stating that if she has to bear such scars, she will vomit and faint. She is very scared of this outcome. I try to understand, but being a man (a sensitive one, that can shed a tear or two) I don't mind the thought of having a now vestigal part of my anatomy removed if it were cancerous (no, it is not vestigal!!!). As I see it, boobs are great when you first meet them.... but then you have seen them a million times. Then as you lovely ladies age, they make their way south, and will eventually begin to look like a caucasian version of some of the tribe's women of the South American rainforests.

I first saw Amanda when I was 21 years of age, she was filling her car with petrol, at a little garage in Port Erin on the Isle of Man. I was driving past, and commented on her superb posterior to my best buddy. I drove around the block hoping to 'construct a meeting' in the little shop where she would be paying for her fuel. I walked in and grabbed some chewing gum (my comedic long hair sitting on my shoulders!) and stood behind her. Not too close Mark, I told myself.... Don't want to give the wrong impression.... Well not just yet anyway. She turned, and our eyes met, I said 'Hi' and smiled, I was petrified, and that's where it ended until the following Saturday. There she was sitting at the bar of a very classy establishment, called, The Falcon. This was where the ladies of Port Erin could pick themselves up a footballer, albeit one who played for one of the local villages or towns, who had to pay £3 to play each week. The lads would stagger around, chests out, surveying their prey..... Horrible to look back on. Anyway, I wasn't like that! I WASN'T!!! I saw Amanda at the bar, and gently approached. I stood near her, then edged closer until I was probably almost sitting on her knee. I concentrated on structuring a suitably impressive coherent introduction, that would match the hair and shiny purple shirt (Good God!!!). Well she didn't run, or look at me in disgust, which meant I wasn't too drunk, and probably not slurring. We chatted, I was smitten. She was kind enough to give me a lift back to my parents house that night too. I tried my best to be naughty, but she was a very good girl. I liked that. Anyway, this is titled mastectomy, and I've gone off on one again. I love Amanda for who she is.... and her bum cheeks, the very same ones that I spotted at the petrol pumps that first meeting. I couldn't give a monkeys about her boobs, or boob for that matter!

In addition to the pictures she sent me, I sent her one back to give her some artistic ideas for the future.

She pointed out that this picture was unrealistic..... She's right.
I'm sorry babe x

What Amanda Wants.....

In this order,

• Not to have breast cancer in the first place, but she has, so let's move on.
• Another Ultrasound tomorrow at her Pre-op meeting.
• A lumpectomy as opposed to a mastectomy.... though this is dependent upon what those other little bastard cells are in the surrounding tissue. Amanda says if they are not to far gone, she will smash them about with fruit, veg, seeds and nuts.... I'm at breaking point, so I doubt the pre invassive cells have a chance!
• An SLN Biopsy, just the sentinel node (one or two) removed from under the armpit. This is to reduce lymphodeama. Some hospitals carry out axillary sampling, taking a few lymph nodes, thus increasing the risk of lymphodeama. JR still do this, but are changing their ways in 3 months. A little late, in my opinion, so we may have to have some heated discussions. Afterall these are life changing decisions.
• No Chemo.... yes, you read it here.... no chemo.... we will have to wait and see on this one, as it could change. She would rather radically alter her diet for now, and if things aren't panning out positvely on the diet front, consider chemo as treatment if need be. I feel confident about her decisions, and she will know when to take further action if need be.

What I want:

Well that doesn't really come into it, but just for the record:

• My wife back fit and healthy, after operation and any adjuvant therapies that maybe required.

That's it really, not that much to ask.

What Amanda Doesn't Want....

CARDS!!!
Thankyou to anyone that has sent a card, but she feels as though these are like 'sympathy cards'.
Money, vouchers and cheques from now on please!

Oh and the flowers we have received have been lovely.

We received a mixed bouquet from a group of friends, Amanda wondered whether the sunflowers had a significance to her condition.
I mentioned Van Gogh, work that one out for yourselves. She laughed. Those of you that know me will know my sense of humour (yes, I have one) can be slightly obscure and at times possibly offensive. I don't mean to offend anyone, but no doubt I will say things that will make people think badly of me. When I make a joke I'm just trying to see the funny side of a truly awful situation, like a clown smiling on the outside. I beg you to pardon my insensitive comments. Cheers.

PS. Julitte, when you brought chocolates to the salon, and Amanda said 'oh thanks that's lovely, but I'm not eating chocolate anymore.' She meant to stop at lovely..... She was mortified, she's been hanging out with me far too long! I thought the chocolates were lovely, thanks.

What have we found out???

Well we have discovered alot about diet. A book called 'The China Study', was a bit of an eye opener. But then you have to look at this chaps studies with a critical eye too. To summarise, massive study in China (he picked a good title for his book!) comparing different counties in China with rates of differing types of cancer. This was all tabulated statistically based on peoples diets and living conditions etc. There were more variables. Anyway to cut a long story short,

The Next Few Days.

These were spent researching, and researching hard! We both spent over 15 hours per day reading old medical papers, newer medical papers, alternative medical theories and all about the recent clinical trials. Focusing more than 24 inches in front of my face (60.96 cm's for all you youngsters out there, you know who you are, and who you aren't!) has become quite a challenge after such a reading fest. Amanda and I cannot move through the house to quickly in case we just crash into things we haven't seen!
There is so much conflicting medical opinion and information out there, which makes Amanda's choice harder. Although it's harder, it does give her the power of choice. As human beings,

The First Couple of Days.....

Tuesday afternoon and evening was spent in shock.... we contemplated keeping it to ourselves, but realised with Amanda's role as a hairdresser, this would be difficult. We decided to tell our closest friends and relatives (knowing that they would save us the repeated anguish of telling everyone that had ever known us, or seen us in passing), this was difficult. I texted my brother, as I knew I'd choke up, I told him I probably wasn't going to tell Mum & Dad as they'd be so upset, and also the fact

The Lump Makes Itself Known....

Amanda found her lump a couple of weeks before we went snowboarding. I had the uneasy honour of feeling it's nasty, uninvited and unwelcome presence during that same trip. She went to the nurse a couple of weeks after we returned, she gave a squeeze and the breast gave a sneeze. Discharge, a good indicator of a cyst. Magic! I dropped my wonderful wife off at the hospital the following Tuesday, so they could check it out, and sort her with some antibiotics. An hour and half later, I received the phone call to 'not pick her up' as she felt like walking, as she'd had bad news.... No way was she walking. I leapt into the less than manly Smart Car, like a knight mounting his trusty stead. The only difference was that I was whimpering, and sobbing a bit, having a pretty good idea of what Amanda had just been told. The Smart Car wasn't used to it's wheels leaving the ground on speed bumps (I'm not advocating hitting speed bumps at 20mph, they are there for a very good reason... but these were unusual circumstances! Still no excuses... Please write all letters of complaint to Mr Steve Prentice of 10 Denbigh Close, Banbury, Oxfordshire.) By the time I reached her, she'd made the traffic lights between Banbury House Hotel and the Horton... I pulled up and she got in. We both got pretty sad and upset. We cancelled her clients for the day, and went for a long, slow walk by a lovely lake a few miles from here. This was the alternative choice to heading to the pub and getting smashed, we felt this was a little self destructive.
So that's it, the battle began.
Me? I'm just this wonderful lady's husband. I'm here to back her up on all her decisions (nearly all of them!), and pick her up when she's feeling low, and hold her when she's feeling scared.